Don't judge me if you find my rambling irregular, incoherent, even insane.
As particular as I am about
dates, it’s clearly impossible to prevent myself from peeping into the past through
the cracked concrete wall of time.
It’s May again; a month that
marks a series of ambiguous, disturbing events that any sane person wouldn’t
want to recall. Since I am believed to (slightly) deviate from the conventional
notion of sane, I often happen to find myself returning to the unpleasant lane
that I had crossed some time back, for reasons I'd gladly reveal some other time.
Ever since the month had begun,
with every passing day, the awareness of this being the time keeps getting more pronounced. I had been working hard ever since January to construct a wall strong enough to conceal certain parts of myself... And sure enough, I had succeeded to quite an extent. It is, perhaps, just the fear of getting comfortable with an empty heart that wants me keep visiting regularly the tracks long crossed.
(The 17th of May): Now
that I was done with the headache of the god damn presentation, I was pretty
much relieved. Getting myself a chilled
can of coke, I found myself walking to the same place I had been to a year ago.
I had always liked this place; sitting here for hours, contemplating over all
that mattered and all that did not; shedding a tear every now and then.
Anyways, like all those times, I sat there in the shade at the chipped bench,
with still an hour in my hand before I leave for home.
Absorbing the soft filtered
sunlight coming from between the slender branches of the tall, ancient tree, I
laid my head back… Something felt familiar. Wait, I know what you’re thinking.
No, I’m clearly not as insane as to
rejoice the heat of May. Let me be
more clear, it was definitely not the heat
that I was taking in, but the pouring nostalgia that had had me all drenched.
Now that I was alone, surrounded by the air of the time that had gone by; the
tough membrane of denial that I had built, somehow collapsed.
Realization # 1: Recalling what had gone by doesn’t always mean you yearn for it to
return, it simply means that now when you’ve crossed the foggy lane, now when
you happen to successfully stand –apparently in one piece – at the sunny side
of the road, you want to see it all over again with a clearer vision...
The sky was however not clear. A
bank of thin, white clouds had stroked the blue canvas with irregular patterns…
This too was just another reminder. People don’t agree with me, but since quite
a few years I’ve been noticing how the month of May brings with it a troop of
soft clouds.
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| Clicked this picture on May 14th, 2012 |
Realization # 2: I carry with me a bunch of reminders from different
times. A bunch of reminders, and a chain of mistakes. Mistakes, that once were
the only right thing I knew. Mistakes, that weren’t mine in the first place. I
carry with me, a reminder of the wrong winds that came my way… A reminder of
the retreating steps… A reminder of the time badly spent… So much hurt, and a little
to regret…
This tree, under whose shade I
was sitting, bears the most beautiful flowers. The sort I had never seen
before. Hundreds of them, radiating the brightest shade of yellow, they hang
from the green branches like bunches of grapes.
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| photo source: davesgarden.com |
The warm wind blew; very
randomly, a few petals fell from the branches and came about gently resting at
the back of my hand, bringing alive the ache that I still remember...
Realization # 3: Some spark has been lost, nevertheless, I’ve still
somehow managed to bring with myself something from that time; or to be more accurate,
might I say that I’ve lost something of myself to that time... It’s hard to
decide.
I remembered the time when I was
always left believing that it’s something that I had done. I remembered the time when I wished I had known. I remembered the time when
I had been so unreasonable, blind, utterly naïve and hopelessly
self-destructive. For what? For who? I wasn’t this person. I’ve never been. A
stream of tears started welling up…
Realization # 4: At times, we really don't know what we're asking for... The scenario that I had carved so perfectly on the glass
of mind, came out quite differently on the canvas. A reality check: Perhaps, it
was the idea which had me believing that it’s there when actually it wasn’t.
Perhaps I had known it along, but never had the courage to admit it. Perhaps this is how it was all meant to be… Perhaps,
there were certain lessons that I needed to be taught. I needed to be taught, that what I had wished for is not something I really, practically want; hence, the temporary pain.
I opened my can… Psss.... A sad
realization settled in that it had lost all its chillness (if this is by any chance a word at all). Instinctively, the corners of my lips curved upwards indicating what clearly was a smile (As odd as it may sound, my lips actually happen to curve downwards when I smile. Yeah, don't say it, I know). I smiled at the level of my stupidity, feeling the clouds of gloom slowly evaporate. A smile. Yes, it was a smile. The
progress had already been made. I was smiling
at things that had served as reasons for the emotional distress that had kept
me occupied for a long period of time. It’s funny, isn’t it? How you learn to
joke about stuff that once were the most painful things even to talk about.
Realization # 5: Certain things happen to remain with us for a measurably
long period of time; they stay with us for so long, that with time, we
eventually grow immune to their presence. It’s true, time does happen to heal
all wounds, but certain things, it can never alter.
The feeling was strange... The instant I realized that I’m
smiling, I actually laughed to myself (spilling some coke at my blue
shirt). A year ago, I had filled buckets
of tears crying at this very place, under this very tree, on this very day. Did
I think I’d be laughing to myself for this very reason, at the same place,
under the same tree, on the same day after one entire year? Life is crazy.
Stuff that you think would never happen, actually happen. It has its weird ways
of proving you wrong.
I gulped down half of my coke, retained my
energy level and successfully forced back the feeble attempt of traitor tears
back to where they had come from. Its ohkaay, I thought. Things happen, so
what? There’s a lot that I had learned, a lot that I still need to.
For all those reading, ladies and gentlemen, I’d proudly like
you to know, that I’m not as optimistic as I may have sound up there. But along
with all those negative changes that had approached me; I have also learned to
deal with certain stuff quite positively.
Realization # 6: Handling stuff positively; probably this is what growing
up is all about…
I know, the phase would return, the air would
surround me again; out of nowhere it’d appear and to nowhere it’d disappear.
Every now and then, I’d again catch a glimpse of what once was. Someday or the
other, I’d again be left missing the bits and pieces that I had lost. Sooner or
later, you’d again hear me talk about it. So what? At least now I have a story
of my own worth telling; stuff that I did worth remembering!
I can’t change the past. I can’t
undo what’ve been already done. But how does quitting on stuff that I had
always liked, concealing the best of myself, giving away all that I still have
and dodging off all the goodness coming my way would make me a better person? Hmm... A note to myself.
Realization # 7: Sometimes, very rarely, my mind comes up with thoughts
that amaze my own self.
I emptied my can of coke, craving
for more. With a little more time in hand, I decided to get myself another of
it and go about treating today like any other normal day. I very carefully gathered the fallen petals and tossed
them into my bag –another reminder. The question of forgiveness however remained
unsettled; to which as well I’ve decided to come some day later.
For now, I cherish at the terms
of my own peace treaty.
