And here I was standing on the open road trying to repeat
and make sense of the break up line I just heard from my sunshine. My legs began to ache, the world seemed to
wobble and I collapsed on the concrete road; my knees injured; but the pain was
nothing compared to the agony my heart was tormented with!
Funny, how just yesterday I wished life to be long, and now
the only desire that I could find within was of death; death, the only way which
could provide me escape from this misery. Yes, miserable was what I wasn’t and
miserable was the only thing I was.
No more was I the heroin, no more did I have the right to
dream for a happy ending, no more was I allowed to smile to myself –what I thought
to be a doubt turned out to be real, and what seemed real was absolute
delusion; an absolutely beautiful dream which ended.
I rolled on my side, too numb to get up. The summer sky
which was clear an hour ago was now trapped behind the heavy grey clouds,
blocking the sunlight –it so significantly described my life; this sun of
summer was definitely coming back again, my sun was never coming back again. My
sun was gone, leaving me in this dark abyss; abandoning me.
As anticipated, it started to rain heavily. In no time I was
all drenched, the numbness and despair was saturated. I was lying still on the
road, no sound but the low soothing swish of rain. Waiting as I was in the hope
to either die or to wake up from this horrible dream –I knew of course, I’m deceiving
myself. Again. I was going to live; live to suffer, live to thoroughly go
through the torturous sting of the piercing shattered pieces of my dreams, live
to die. I was going to live.
