Since past two years, March and April have been seriously
unpleasant months for me. And this year, they’ve proved to be no different. Dull,
tiring, stressful, disappointing and upsetting in many possible ways.
My life these days is pretty damn hectic and stressed. There’s
so much to do and there’s so little time. There’s so little time, and there’s
so little will; and no hope.
From planning for a big family event that’s due for the first week of June, to attending my best friend’s wedding. From preparing for terminal exams that are scheduled in the mid of May, to dealing with the anxiety of presentations. From making peace with my past, to managing every day of my present in a slightly better way.
From struggling to make myself forgive somebody, to asking for forgiveness from the Ones-who-are-still-watching-over-me. From working to get my health back, to attempting to unknot the misunderstandings.
From making efforts to tune out the unnecessary unpleasant
stuff, to mending many other intentional and unintentional damages.
As busy as this week that had passed was, it was equally and unexpectedly pleasant. Happy, in fact. I went out shopping (I do enjoy shopping, especially when it concern weddings), celebrated my brothers’ birthday (I was disappointed when they were born because I had always wanted a sister; height of thanklessness. But honestly, when I gravely needed somebody to talk to, like those very few people who were there when nobody was, my brothers too came as saviors), planned a family gathering and attended my dear old school friend’s wedding. In this one week, I relived my life that I had back till 2009. I was back with my school friends, who were and still are the best people of my life. We exchanged the same old smiles, the hilarious laughter, the lame jokes, rejoiced the old memories --sharing some happiest moments. In this one week, I forgot about the heap of unfinished work. I forgot, that I had to go back to a place, where I’m not genuinely happy.
From missing dear old and genuinely concerned friends, to trying to fit in among a group of new and different people.
I have a whole stack of papers to fill –notes to make, writing assignments to complete, anxiety of presentations to deal with (I’m stage/audience/attention phobic), social life to manage (people actually complain) and pieces of myself to gather, everyday.
It’s Sunday (technically well, it’s Monday now), the week has already ended; and I once again stand at the verge of another week filled with more anxiety and more stress, looking forward to another week to bring some more of it, and another. And another.
But even when I’m so tightly bound with my routine, I still often find myself wandering amidst the golden fields of mustard… Or flying freely like a firefly in a dark summer night... Or swimming carelessly like a sea turtle with the current... Or lying underneath a starry sky… Away, from all the battles and free of all the shackles… And sure enough, it doesn’t take long for me to realize that this is yet another illusion, and I have several more battles to fight before I finally take refuge.
With the air of good memories lingering around me and the
remembrance of good sincere people within my heart, I once again, like many other
times, set off to fight yet another battle. Alone, but not really alone.
Happy exams season
everyone.
