Battles

Its been eighteen years and five months since I'm put on the face of earth. and since the time i grew up, i've come across battles and more battles.

battle between chocolate and vodka shot

battle between a swing and a slide

battle between cocacola and miranda

between burger and pizza

between barbie and candie

~************~

Battle between biology and computer science

battle between old crush and new crush

battle between red and pink

battle between one handsome guy and another handsome guy

battle between this cool song and the other cool song

battle between this friend and the other friend

~************~

Battle between psychology and english

battle between doubts and more doubts

battle between looks and attitude

between dreams and realities

~************~

Battle between freedom and compromise..

and the most important and consistent and never ending battle, Battle with this World.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the year 2011, ended every battle which started in 2009 and years back.

But as day follows night, Another battle awaits at the doorstep of 2012.....

Oh You Life!

But for now, I'm enjoying my rest. ;)

Adieu 2011

By the end of every year, I turn pretty nostalgic; I repeatedly ask this one question, ‘where did this year go?’ And sure enough, the answer is a deep sigh.

I remember not-welcoming 2011. Because I was sad, for the fact that time is running out of my hands!

I expected nothing from this year. I thought it to be like 2010, boring and absolutely unwanted!

When I was standing at the end of 2010, I had no words to define how my year 2010 was because it went unusually fast! There was altogether nothing super cool or evergreen about it; it was a boring speedy year.

However, now when I’m standing at the end of the year 2011, I could gladly answer the question how my year 2011 was.

2011 has given me answers to my questions, more questions, more experiences, more lessons and most of all,
2011 was like a dead end to everything I had from past. Everything I had, sort of wrapped up in 2011 in the form of just memories.....

2011 was a life changer. A true life changer.

2011 brought numerous new colors to my life.

It taught me to get over the regrets from my past, taught me to manage facing the world, taught me how to pull myself back every time I trip, and helped me construct that concealing wall around me.

2011 showed me who I am and what I want to do; it supplied me with chunks of courage to walk through uncertainties, and most of all, it provided me the strength to continue running in this race.

It made me realize that this life is a gift; that I wouldn’t get to live back again, so instead of wasting time in regretting and worrying and fighting and hating, I should live life.
Live it the way I want to, Experience every single moment, Make wrong decisions, Smile at my past mistakes, Step into the fog of uncertainty with concrete hope!
2011 helped me repair myself.
I owe this *New Me* to 2011.
So after 2008 and 2009, I hereby add 2011 to the list of Unforgetable Years.
Adieu 2011..

You changed me and my life.
I will really really miss you~*

Fiction. Journal Entry; She.

Page 1.

-Anonymous

 

Here I was, Sitting idle in the hall full of guests.

and there my husband was, with another woman.

a very silly part of me wanted to feel proud for what he was doing. He was pretending to save the life of a woman who belonged with his past; who intended to kill herself, If he came closer to any other woman.

Sure, she knew I'm His wife, but she was told that I and He have differences so vast; that I and He are living a life of compromise; that He loves her only.

This wasn't true though. He loved Me. He assured me that She was his past. And I am his present and future. He assured me that I'm his everything now!

The thought of doubting him made me feel guilty! I trusted him. I still trust him.

But even then, watching someone else holding his hand, made me feel insecure; watching his hand around someone Else's waist, made me feel lonely.

No, I wasn't doubting HIM, I was doubting my fate.

I was experiencing the feelings of a woman.

In that entire room however, no matter where He was, he had his eyes fixed on me.

He was trying to read my expressions, he was trying to predict my thoughts; But I was blank! Completely blank.

I was feeling no sensation at all. Just numbness, and a hint of an unidentified pain somewhere in my chest.

All this time, I was avoiding his gaze, avoiding eye contact with him. Because I knew, the moment his piercing gaze would touch my eyes, I would break! I would fail to hold back the boiling tears any longer.

And I was not in a state to afford it.

So there I was, alone. Inspite of his following eyes, I was ALL alone.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Page.2

The reception was over soon..

It was time to have him next to me after so long tonight; It was time to walk home.

It was Time, to walk with him......

He looked at Me after so long tonight -Like looked at Me, not Studied Me; Which He was doing all this time tonight. And his expression ........ I don't know what it said. His big brown eyes had so much in them!

We started to walk.

And for the first time Tonight; When I was walking right next with him at last --I felt lonely. Miserably lonely....

Un-Special. Un-Normal

Seems so long to me since I last blogged. Have been pretty busy.

Had this feeling.. No, actually Yeah -duh!- Yeah I'm pretty messed up!

Yes, I've been having this feeling since a while. I just realized how un-normal I am- No I'm not talking about ab-normal. The tag line to 'story of my life'  is Un-normal.

Humans, come up with different ways in order to fit in this society. In this World.

Change their habits, replace their preferences, develop qualities in order to be special. Well yeah, every one here does have at least something special about them.

And being special is the sign of being normal -Here at least.

From the very beginning, I did have this I-deee-aa, that I'm not special.
Special people love to be under the spot light, they love to be the centre of attention. And in my case, to have everyone's attention on me is the worst thing I could imagine;
To be under the lights, to have eyes on me is the thing I've hated the most since forever. Because basically for that, You need to be amazing, and I knew (I know still) that there is nothing absolutely amazing about me, That there is something absolutely wrong with me.
* * * *

Yeahh, No super power like Matilda.

No Boy like Edward.

No Companion like Jacob either.

No God Father like Sirius.
*snifff*

Oh-kay. Now on a little practical note.

Yes, I'm not a fragile delicate girl.

Yes, I don't have issues with taking medicines.

Yes, I can tolerate the sight of blood.

Yes, I don't get sick frequently - actually, don't get sick at all!

Yes, I love to gossip.

Yes, I'm an absolutely lazy person.

No, I don't have an extra caring elder sibling.

No, I don't have that lovey-dovey relation with my younger siblings.

Nop, No richie-rich type family.

No super cool gangly friends.

No, I'm not an extra ordinary student.
No, I'm not a bold outgoing girl.

Its a list with the most common qualities. No "Oh-my-Gaaaad" type thingie.

Yup, that's all typical.

But now on a more serious note, The Un-normal element comes here, In my head. My thought processes.

My mental frequency runs parallel with everybody Else's. Rather than running together. 

Never on the same track. Always having an entirely different angle.

Always thinking about things and people who existed either in past or didn't exist at all. Always thinking about impossibilities. Always thinking about the least anticipated thing.

Having sympathy with Villains. Having that curious feeling to explore the sentiments of cold people. Missing people I never met. Crying for people I don't know. Having those deep thoughts about the wheel of time. Imagining things that could have happened. Having that strong believe in happenings of fate. Loving the most odd things. Having fascination for darkness.

Detecting magic in every-single-bit.

The Un-normal factor is this. Having that third opinion, which deviates from real and falls into surreal.
-Ohkay now, if this you think makes me special, it does not. Well even if does, it is in an un-normal way.
So what is it? 
A Messy head?

Mental Disorder?

Fault in Brain Wiring?

Must be. *Sigh*

A letter to God

"Hey God! I was thinking of you lately. Its been ages since I've talked to you. So here I go, asking you to spare a minute for me.

Nay- This time I don't want to ask anything for myself. I want this minute because..

Well, because .. Err ohkay I'm blushing. It'll take some time.

Hmm.. So ohkay. I want you to spare a minute so that ..

So that I could Thank You for being so kind to me. For making me happy when I least expect it. For granting my wish before I utter it. For every breath I take. For this life. For everything. Though I know I don't deserve a bit of your kindness and You know it too that I am a sinner; Yet You continue showering Your blessings upon me! How shall I thank you?
I can not.

I am amazed at your greatness. And here I stand, bowing before You.

God, I love You.*"

My Love for Heathcliff and Catherine Revived

How I came across 1992 movie Adaptation of Wuthering Heights.

 

Two days ago, I was looking on you tube for the movie adaptation of Far from the Madding crowd written by Thomas Hardy. Its a good novel, and that is why I desired to watch its movie adaptation.
I came across four-five movie versions. To be very honest, i didn't really like any of it -1967 version was better regardless of various flaws.

I lost interest.

Just as I was about to leave, I saw a link on the right side of screen, Wuthering Heights. And instantly i was drawn to view it! -I've been in love with Wuthering heights since the first day i read it, though I was in sixth grade then, but I remember how grieved I was. And it is to this novel that I started loving and reading classic literature novels-

It was the 1992 version. Ralph Fiennes as Heathcliff and Juliette Binoche as Catherine Earnshaw.
 
Saying that I was carried away wouldn't do justice to what my condition really was.
I was laughing along with their mischievous giggles, I was feeling the delight. I thought I was there myself, wandering at the moors; watching Heathcliff and Catherine and their pleasure of togetherness..

 








Saying that I cried hard at the death of Catherine, at the misery of Heathcliff, would be a straight understatement. No I didn't cry hard, I cried bitterly. 

I read almost all the comments, by critics criticizing this 1992 version. Though I was pleased that no one dared to point Ralph as unsuitable to be Heathcliff - I was glad. But disappointed to see Juliette remarked as unfit to be Catherine. I think She has done justice to the role of Catherin Earnshaw just like Ralph as Heathcliff.

The director, Peter Kosminsky has so beautifully - I don't have words to praise his talent and perfection - directed the movie, exactly like I imagined when I first read Wuthering Heights. The setting, location, atmosphere; every single thing was taken in notice; evidently studied thoroughly.

The death scene of Catherine and Heathcliff's last meeting with her. At first, Oh yes I was sobbing like anything- But the next time, keeping my emotions in control, I concentrated; concentrated hard to catch at-least a single error. but no, I failed. The scene is perfect. The dialogue delivery, the expressions - more credit to Ralph - The essence of novel is remarkably maintained.

 
Then approached another piercingly sad scene; Heathcliff's absolutely wild act of emotionality with Catherine's corpse. The difference was evident. Edgar's gentle and calm act of touching his wife's hand and leaving without really weeping loud; and Heathcliff's passionate act of agony by taking Catherine's corpse in his arms and crying like a weary man who has lost the purpose of living ..

Catherine completed him. He was human with Catherine, only.

A person like me who have intense emotions and strong imagination CANNOT watch these scenes without crying loud, as it were Me myself crying and going through the pain of loosing the other half of My soul!

The other melancholic scene where Heathcliff is standing alone with the most agonized expression at the same moors where once He along with his other part Cathy used to wander in joy-   For that one second, I thought it was I experiencing the pain.  It was like hot despair being poured in my heart, piercing and incurable. Excellent shooting. Excellent acting.

One thing which added intensity to all these scenes was the music.

The music in this movie, is the soul of every single scene. The main theme of Wutherin Heights is given by Ryuichi Sakamoto.
I have never heard any symphony this melancholic- 

Link to the Theme Music of Wuthering Heights

Listen to this and with no difficulty you could imagine the loneliness of Heathcliff, feel the pain of their separation. You could picture the moors where young Heathcliff and Catherine used to wander, wild and glad. Fearless.

The final moments, that is the reunion of Heathcliff's soul with Catherine's is an epic scene.

My heavy heart which was filled with grief and sympathy for Heathcliff was satisfied when i saw them reuniting, at last. Heathcliff's misery was over. He was finally back again with his other half. Catherine.

This movie, 1992 version is the original Wuthering Heights. Ralph is the real Heathcliff, Juliette is the real Catherine and Janet McTeer is the real Nelly Dean.

This movie made me read Wuthering Heights again, all over. This time, my imagination was even rich.

Wuthering Heights is a black romantic tragedy. Portray of true passionate love. Portray of wildness and madness. Portray of intense tragedy and melancholy. Portray of eternal reunion and completeness.

To all those critics who criticize this version, are probably less imaginative and insensitive to the glowing, radiating emotions that are clearly to be seen, to be felt in every single part of this movie.

I rate it 10/10.

Also; Hats off to the writer of this devastatingly amazing novel. Emily Bronte. Who has so smoothly woven the human emotions. Described them so naturally.

Such type of a master piece could be produced even today -
No. No writer could touch the perfection of Emily Bronte. She is above the extreme limits of extra ordinary.

Can't really be 'Me'

We live in this world as what they want us to be, rather than what we really are. Just to please them, Every day, We do things which We want to do not.

Talking of me.

The composed girl this world see, is the result of hard efforts. Now when I look back and see what I was, I couldn't believe it. "Was I really like that? Have I really changed this much?"

What I was and what I am.

But how long could the real me hide? How long could I act?

And so, at times, when I'm alone.. The walls break, and the concealed me comes out.

And then, I feel like going somewhere far, as far as I could. And never return. Hide.
Run to a place where there are no unusual changes, no necessity to make choices, no responsibilities, no obligations .. Where I could cry, for people I know and people I knew; for people I did meet and people I didn't meet; for people who are alive and for people who are dead.
-Where there is no one to comment on everything I do. No one to point out my most insignificant weaknesses.... Where there is peace with time. Where there is peace with my own being.

 ..............................................................................

Of course, I have to recollect myself; Hard as it is. But If I'd do that not, what would this world say?

Oh yes, the world, As I'm taught to care of them only ...

*Sigh*

Why did I decide to Write a Blog?

I don’t remember when I first heard this word, BLOG. But the expression of it was of a “difficult and a high-figh thing.”

Funny as it might seem, but I always wanted to have a blog of my own. I was so curious of what it really is. It was the name that attracted me. Blog

In December 2010, I was watching a movie in which one friend who was a photographer had a blog and his other friend tells him that he visits his blog frequently. From that I picked up a gist that BLOG is for professionals only. Though I still wanted to know what it really is, how to make it, what is it for ...

A couple of months ago, I was listening to my favorite radio presenter, when I heard him telling a caller that she could start a blog where she could share her talent. He also suggested her to look for tips on Google. Tadaa! I did exactly the same. First I googled the term ‘blog’, then I entered other keywords. Like, ‘why make a blog?’ then ‘how to make a blog’. I went on following the instructions.

Of course, first I was fearful, nervous; for what if people didn’t appreciate it? What if I make mistakes? But then, the voice of my insight –who speaks when I least expect its help- scolded me, nobody is gonna eat you up if you make a mistake. I needed that, because I was convinced, completely. And determined – for the first time – to do it.

I wanted to express myself, a loud, publicly.

Share what I have to say, share what I think, share what’s happening with me. So that one day when I would be no more, the world will know that I existed.

For this reason, I put aside my silly fear ignored my grammar troubles and went on. Nobody is gonna eat you up- I kept telling myself.

>>>>> 

Thanks to a friend who guided me and also appreciated <3

It’s been two months since I’m blogging; and guess, I’m already addicted to it.

It feels good, letting things to come out and expressing yourself.

Blogging has made me able to concentrate; now I keep my eyes open and mind attentive. My habit of thinking about things hard has increased. My feelings have become even stronger. When ever now I am sad, happy, worried – I prefer writing. Or whenever I get any falsafiyaana thought I right it up; make a rough draft of it.

Writing a blog has also brought my mind in working. Like a friend said, Use it before it get rusted – Haha.

(Wish it had helped me with my laziness as well =D)

I learned that sometimes, we really should put aside our fears and take the initiative.

Doing something and making a mistake, AND not doing something because of the fear of making a mistake – both are the same things. Then why not do it? =)

God dwells in my Heart

God is one tricky business. Hes a mystery. Nobody could understand Him and His doings.
He is nowhere and yet He is everywhere!
I searched for Him everywhere. In temples, In mosques; He wasn't found. Yet I found Him residing in My heart!

Amazing how He is there in my broken heart when this entire universe is not enough to accommodate Him!
Often I cry in gratification when I see Him showering His blessings upon me! Such a sinner I am; And How merciful My God is, How easily He forgives me, How much He loves me ..

God is present in every single atom! Unseen as He is, But His existence is doubtless!

Some Dreams I Have

Some Dreams I have, to walk through Shores of Fantasy.
Some Dreams I have, to explore The Whole New World, My destiny.

Where there is Rain, Where there is Cold,
Where You get what You desire, Where You never get Old.

Some Dreams I have, To walk through the Shores of Fantasy.
Some Dreams I have, To explore the Whole New World of, My Destiny.

Where there is much green and much blue,

Where there are many, Who are Much Like You.

Some Dreams I have, To walk through the shores of fantasy.

Some Dreams I have, To explore the whole new world, My destiny.

Where Nature is luxury, Where impossibilities disappear; amazingly.

Some Dreams I have, To walk through the shores of fantasy.

Some Dreams I have, To explore the whole new world, My destiny.

Where fairy tales come to life,

Where fancy, rises high.

These Dreams I have, These wishes need life.

To fly high into the sky, dive deep into the ocean.

Experience death, and again come back to life.

Escape I will; some day, to give these surreal wishes; at last, A Life.

I wouldn't know

In life, we come across many different people. But not necessarily do they stay with us.

Believer of unseen as I am, I hereby believe, that all those people with whom I came across in my entire life, does have a relation with me. No matter even if for the tiniest second we met, since we did come across, our lives did interfere. I may not remember them and they might not remember me, But He who is almighty, does know it all. And since He knows it all, we know it all. Even if I wouldn’t know, and even if I couldn’t see it happening, Somewhere, I would know still.

I see a man, and I might not ever see him again, and one day when he’ll be dying, I wouldn’t know.

I see a baby girl smiling to me, and I might not ever see her again, and one day when she’ll be getting married, I wouldn’t know.

Some friends I have, we might not stay in touch forever, and one day when they’ll miss me somewhere, I wouldn’t know.

One day, like this, it would be I who would die unlearned, unknown. And people wouldn’t know who I was really, what were my thoughts really. I would be gone, forgotten. But they wouldn’t know ever..

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