Euphoria: V

Read Euphoria IV here.

The weather was beginning to get better. It was early spring. The same days when the stage for her journey had begun to set. The air was fragrant with familiar scents –but it lacked the verve she’d felt a year ago. Three sixty five days around the sun; what had everything come to?

It began as a dream; a dream so fragile, it was bound to have consequences. And yet she set about to pursue it; fearful for what if it didn't work out, but overwhelmed by the idea for what if it did? Only hearts that are confident find romance in uncertainty. Hers was; and so all else mattered not.

It was a dream, a dream so fragile... She should’ve thought about it carefully before stepping in.

Tied in shackles of fresh memories; she was struggling feebly to find her way. It was quite some time now, and despite that she'd given up, not even a single day would pass when she wouldn’t think of him and his whereabouts. It was her need to belong that had had her living miserably. But no more would she look forward to hearing from him, who had turned away without saying final adieu. So much did she learn in his absence. The East Wind would often bring her a valuable maxim, a word of wisdom, carried in a voice she had grown up listening to. But a heart has always been a nuisance, it doesn't fall in traps of conditioning so easy. She lived in her melting numbness, somewhere between bearing in her the shock of what happened and an ache of what couldn't...

There were however signs of improvement. Her satin dress had dried by now; the red glossy color had faded. Her feet and palms still had dull traces of henna. She had removed the smudges of kohl from around her eyes, the gray impression however remained. Her hair that had grown messily long was now pulled back in a rough bun with uneven locks hanging carelessly. She had also begun responding to the voices that had been there whispering in her head. Something had however sunk so low inside her, she couldn’t find it anymore. A long journey awaited her. With a hole punched in her empty chest, a void left between her fragile fingers, she was to walk upon it. Alone. She wore what she was told to, a face which didn't suit her disposition. A mask, made of uneven, artificial emotions that never had and never can reach the heart. It was only now, that it came to her how this realm was no different from the one she had come from: how all notions are governed by same set of stereotypical customs that chain every young heart, consequentially suffocating dreams of each to a tragic death. It was only now that it struck to her how every appearance is a combination of irregular, misleading lies. Each carrying a story within and without.
A portrait of childhood that she left behind for new experiences: a memory of flying lanterns that she gave up in desire of capturing the brilliance of queen moon. A set of her own stories that she traded for his accounts: a bunch of joyful associations she let go to catch up happily with his melancholy tales...

It was only when life stopped being normal she began to appreciate it.

And wasn't it too late already?

It was no longer the place she used to know. All she had ever known in this journey was lost somewhere. She felt like a star, separated from its moon, thrown off to a distant galaxy. The Mighty Moors commanded the nature to mend her broken wings. They sent their inky clouds to help her find the lost pieces. But the more she'd try to forget, the better she'd remember. She remembered. She remembered how he had presented his final departure. She remembered what had happened after he had showed up, and gone, and showed up again. She remembered everything...

***

He had showed up again. After making clear of what he had come to say, after walking away back into the abyss, without a word of farewell, after a considerable amount of time, just when her mind switched to finding her way forward, just when she decided to dispel all the phantoms of past, he showed up again. No Muse invoked can aid with accurate words which would justly define the emotions that ran through her like wild blizzards. The array of dull, melancholic evening stars assigned to look over her, suddenly brightened and cheered. He heard her silent cry! He came to say adieu! It was a dream dreamt together, he couldn't leave it incomplete! He came back, to say, what she'd longed to hear...
This was, however, not the business.

There he was. Again. What brought him back, she didn't know. Neither did she ask. Such are the fears of people in love, they don't say what is needed to be said lest they be swept off their feet. Lest their fancy crumple into tiny irreparable pieces; oblivious for how in complete ruin it already is.

The expression he wore had the same color that had always had her pray earnestly for him. His voice had the same impact that melted her heart every time she'd hear it. The anger of despair that she was holding in herself since so long, evaporated with the first note of his voice that she was closely familiar with. How long had it been since she last wallowed in its warmth? It swelled her heart. It was love; an overpowering spell. But where the sapling of her young love was still standing stout and grand, the missing pieces and the numerous intricate wounds his absence had given to the heart ached all the more. How were they to heal all at once? There was no denying that he has been in pain. But she was in no less. And to tell the truth, hers was greater than his in totality; for she bore in her the pain of her brokenness as well of his suffering.

Of his disappearance, he said it was for good. Of his disregard he said it was her illusion. Of his attention he said it was divided and of his heart, he said it was in torment. Of her tears he said they were august pearls but of his suffering he said it was greater. Of his life, he said it wasn't easy but on its details he said he's vague. The new information didn't suit the previous; just as the previous didn't suit the prior. Just as none had suited the initial. He advocated to resume; but of silence and hurtful actions of past, he couldn't remember. He said naivety, of her suggestion to formally involve the sacred trees; but of his priorities, he said they're sorted. Of his love he said it was true; but of where she stands, he said nothing...
His words however provided only a partial insight into a much more complex story. The heart that had been so much in love however reasoned, that stories are all complicated. They are all dark in their own way. It was love, and love is anything but blind in nature. She had loved him in all her senses with all her genuineness. His words, like all other times, were heart warming; she thawed, like a snow flake liquefy on the tip of a finger. But she could also see and feel, how going back was not easy. What remained behind? The memory of days of bliss and euphoria with him on her side was overshadowed by that of torment she had spent all alone waiting for him. Must he not be told of every single day she had spent dying for him? Must he not be questioned for his faulty facts and contradictory statements? Must he not be informed of every question and every ridiculing remark that came her way over the course of his absence? He must; but he wasn't. And the heart suggested again, bringing up the same feeling of tenderness that had had her take his hand despite all his flaws -- it was of no importance of what he had been beside of what he said he will be to her. He was given a chance once; she was beginning to think of giving one again. But adhering to certain limits she was strongly bound to, she resorted to silence, which has always meant so much, if only it was understood. She was bound by the barrier of legitimate right. If he can put others before her and blatantly remind her the insignificance of her position in his life, what claim then, was she to make of herself on him? If he had walked away once breaking all vows; would he not walk away again? The battle of need continued; in the meantime however, her silence was only misinterpreted like every other time. He, who spoke of intimacy, was now suddenly accusing her. He, who had just returned, disappeared again. And the array of stars, lost its glow of self illumination...

And thus, love was lost; somewhere between not saying what was meant to be said, and not understanding what should've been easily understood.  Love was lost, somewhere between hiding the most important truth and projecting false accusations. He left her. Stranded. All on her own. And then came back accusing her that she wasn't there for him. Who knew, the kinds of love can be so shallow as well at times.

Euphoria was no more. All that little confidence of ever knowing him withered away with the dreary winds. The grey had gone from the sky. It was blank, yet occupied by the lustrous brilliance of queen moon who seemed to have won the battle of envy; for her nemesis was drained of all her radiance she had initially acquired in the journey. She stretched out her hand, hoping for the strands of silver to fall on her palms... But all she saw and heard was an echo; an echo of emptiness. Her hands were empty, so was her heart, so was her soul. Pain pricked - dejavu filled the air - and down came rolling her august pearls, which bore in them the deepest of her unanswered prayers. She had spent seasons waiting for something that was never meant to come. She protected with all her might, a promise that was given in haste only to be forgotten. She kept alive in her heart, memory of a love, that was tinged with lies. All in vain. Because it was love. And love is said to seldom reveal the concrete that lies beneath the ceramic.

And now it was time. To bury, what was not yet dead. And put an end to a soul shattering drama. Having sealed the letter with the moisture of her tears, she sent the Robins to convey it to him.

... She missed his last glimpse. Never learnt of what happened to him from then on, neither let herself find out; because over the course she mastered the art of keeping herself from all that'd add to her pain. In the nature however existed incoherent shadows of the caged birds he believed hanker after him, only somewhere in the pits of his fancy.

And it remained to be contemplated as a transient dream. Which was bound to fade...

***

She had loved, maybe not wisely, but ardently. It was love, and love need not be a punishment for those involved. It doesn't change with circumstances, it doesn't change with seasons; it only gets stronger. Love grows on the roots of faith, and faith can never stem from seeds of lies. That which doesn't make you a better person, that which compels you to lie can't be love; it can only look like it. But it was her love, and it indeed transformed her. It was love, and it did not deserve silence. It deserved, --since not a happy ending-- a graceful closure. And so it was given one. The words had evaporated with the hollow wind, and the only thing she failed to do was forgive. He showed out of nowhere, handed her a dream all by himself, and then ruthlessly snatched it away when it was just young and innocent, tearing her world apart. The realization that he didn't consider her worthy of the truth broke her heart. He betrayed, not only her, but an innocent rosemary bud too, who she would've loved just as much as she loved him, if only he had trusted her enough. Because it was her love, and it would've encompassed not only him but all who would've come along with him. He denied her the right to decide for herself. He kept her in the dark and told false tales. The pain had been incomprehensibly great; and forgiveness was too early to ask. It did not dispel the shadows of agony completely; it only lessened it. It did not remove the memory, it only concealed it. It would have been a betrayal to her past - though short, yet beautiful - had she looked at it with woe. For it was love, and it was true as long as it lasted. 

The soft clouds had gathered, sending down a soothing shower, that only came as a reminder of last summer when a powerful prayer was sent up to the heavens; when her journey had begun. It was the first rain of spring that had come to add final strokes to her unfinished portrait. She soaked it in her bones, feeling her soul standing miles, gazing at her in awe. Who knew, a heart so small can bear so much?

And this is only the beginning...

Faith.

We all believe in a set of certain beliefs to keep ourselves going, running in one piece. We look into our lives, and retrace the steps that got us here. What was that one force which drove us through the tumultuous waves of time and dreary lanes of life?  What fueled our genie lamps and we survived even through the darkest storms? It may be termed differently by different people belonging to different schools of thoughts, according to their experiences; what remains constant is the affect it has on all of us. Some call it Dharam - belief in the divine force that makes universe possible. Some call it Saddha - confidence based on knowledge, while some call it Eemaan - Faith.
Lets talk about faith. I have always had trouble defining faith just as much as I have trouble defining religion. You know what it is and what it means, what you don't know is how to fathom it into appropriate words. How must you define that which defines you?

Faith, is what governs you. Faith is silence; just not the kind which breaks you, rather a kind which keeps you together. Faith is a memory; just not the one which keeps you entrapped, rather a one which sets you free. Faith is time; that which unravels answer to every why that kept you restless. Faith is a saving hand which holds you from drowning; it is a ray of light which shows you way when you are groping in the dark. Faith is fate. It is not a coincidence. There is always a story behind how a belief was established, how a faith was developed. There is pain. There is hope.

~ ~ ~

I am tied in shackles of a memory which I force back in my head every second of every day. But there comes a time when I lose the battle and it comes gushing, filling my senses. I let it flow, and wallow in the sorrow it brings. I feel it closer than usual. I suddenly hear from my past. And it doesn't happen only once. Reminders lurk in simple little things. An association triggers the memory, I fail to hold myself together. I miss that which is gone. It's natural. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up and I see a message... That, too, doesn't happen only once.

*

Since my childhood, I would hold my breath to capture time. The longer I'd hold my breath, the slower would the time pass, and the more will I get to savor moments. I grow up. I hear talks pertaining to severity of the illness my paternal grandmother is going through. I hold my breath to freeze the time. It doesn't work. My paternal grandmother dies.

Always do good. Always be honest. Don't ever hurt a soul. That which you do, shall sooner or later get back at you. I am told that everything which happens, happens for a reason. A belief is established. I start reading signs. I start judging my life according to these notions.
My imaginative faculty is highly receptive. I dream a lot and remember each of it. My dreams are always pleasant. My sleep relies on my dreaming ability. I read about the interpretation of dreams. Another belief is established. Every dream means something. I cannot think they will ever cease to appear.

I overhear my father's grandmother repeat certain words to find something which has been lost before looking about it. I memorize it. I say it when I lose my things. I always find them when I do. It works for me.

I have an Aqeeq studded silver ring. It is a tangible souvenir of my faith. I wear it all the time. I lose it one day. I solemnly say those words again and again. I search and search but cannot find.

I forget about the ring eventually.

I observe the water coming down from the sky... I am told the sky showers the water of heaven. It is a blessing. I soak it in my bones. It makes me happy and reinforces my intuition of life. It inspires me at so many levels. I associate rain with spirituality. It will always be a good sign for me.

A friend is leaving for Damascus. She asks me to write an areeza. I don't know what it is. The idea of it fascinates me. She teaches me to write one. I neatly tear a paper from my notebook. I write Bismillah and offer Salaam to Sayyedda Zainab with my favorite pen in nastaleeq Urdu. I write a couple of lines, asking her to call my maternal grandmother at her Shrine.

My maternal grandmother leaves for Damascus a month later.

I check in my drawer for something. I see my Aqeeq ring resting beneath my accessory box. I close my eyes and hold it between my hands for quite a while. The need to wear it is no longer felt.

Muharram moon is sighted and my grandmother repeats to us tales like every year of how Muharram was commemorated back in her times. The simplicity of it all charms me. Muharram has begun and I feel like I have finally gotten back to where I truly belong. I feel completely at home. I weep at the tribulations of Ahlebait; the household of Prophet. It enlightens my faith.

It is the 8th of Muharram. It is important for me to attend tonight's majlis. There is haazri at home. We cannot go. My heart sinks. May be Hazrat Abbas doesn't want me to attend his majlis. I get a call from chaachu asking me if I need a lift. I am there sitting in the majlis, under the soothing silver light of the moon coming down at us from the open sky. I look up straight at it. The Moon of Hashmiites wanted me to attend his majlis. My faith is strengthened.

We go to attend the Ashura procession. We leave for home earlier than usual. I am very upset about it. We are preparing for  faaqa shikani, when suddenly there is news of a bomb blast targeting attendees of the procession. I experience so many emotions at once.
The turn out for Chehlum procession that year was however greater than ever. It doesn't matter what the funny looking Jihadis preach. They do not rule our faith.

I am starting college. I want to study Literature. My father wants me to go for Pre-medical. I cannot say no. I take Pre-medical. Three months later I realize it is not my field. I tell my mother. She asks me to switch to Literature if that's what I want. I am confused. What if I make a wrong decision? I take eight chits and write lit. and med. evenly in four each. I recite Naad-e-Ali three times and then pick a chit. It says literature. I repeat. I get literature again. I pick a chit for the third time. It's Literature.
I switch my subject.
I score second highest in my finals from Literature group in the entire college.

I believe in the power of words. I remember what people say. I store it in my memory. I safely keep the letters and cards and notes and messages that people give me. They give me something to remember. I treasure it. Keeping their words close is my way of keeping a part of them with myself.
I write a folder of letters to a friend who is moving to America. The letters will work as a reminder. I will remain with her as long as she keeps them.

I measure life in terms of months and years. I keep track of time. It gives me an illusion of being in control of my life. New Year eves make me nostalgic. A sun goes down, taking away tiny parts of me that will only exist in my memories. I recall little details and events that went through the year and look forward to many that the time ahead have in store for me. I bid adieu to the year bygone. I attach hopes with the one that will follow. I say Amen as the sun sets; I make wishes as it prepares to rise.

It will soon be 2012. My university will begin in fourteen days. I am an adult. I am excited. This year will be wonderful.

2012 turns out to be a mess. Family issues. I have trouble accepting that blood relations can abandon each other. I don't know what went wrong and I lost a friend. An acquaintance has wronged me to such an extent, I will never forgive that person. I write an areeza to Imam Hussain. I ask Him to answer me before the end of 2012.

It's New Year's eve. I shall not make any wish. I must not expect anything from 2013.

It is the 31st of December, 2012. I don't have my answer yet.

It is the 5th of January, 2013. I have my answer.

Five extra days. My faith is strengthened.

The acquaintance suddenly shows up after a month and apologizes for everything. I look back. I don't even remember it anymore. The disappointment is long over. I forgive.

I forgive because I have forgotten.

I wake up one day and I hear my mother cry over phone. A relative is shot dead in the wave of Shi'a Genocide. I lie back and tell myself it hasn't happened to us. I realize it has happened to us. We go to attend his funeral. To die for Hussain is to live for eternity. I stand amidst the chants of Labbaik Ya Hussain, my faith is strengthened.

I take a leap of faith. It is raining. I revere and hold close the promises I am given. 2013 has brought me a sacred euphoria.
I appear in someone's dream. The person explains the dream where we both walk along the shore and discloses something which upsets me. Something which the person cannot quiet recall. The dream proceeds as I begin to walk away; the person runs after me and convinces me to stay. I am convinced. The dream ends. I wonder what could it be that had me upset? It doesn't matter. I stayed. I know it's real.

Two weeks later, the same person reveals to me a reality. The same which had me upset in the dream. It was a sign. I am shocked. I go out under the vast sky, face up, I close my eyes and let the silver streaks of moon fall on my face.
I am scared.
I say nothing.
And then I pray.

I wake up the next morning. Everything is still the same to me. I know its genuine love, the kind which doesn't change with circumstances. I am enthralled by its purity. But distracted by its fragility. I need to be careful. I don't have a legitimate right. I must observe caution, I must not say everything that I feel. I must wait. For the right time.
It's drizzling and I am walking down the parking lot towards the one who has come to me. I am reading the sign. I know what I want. I make a choice. It is difficult, I know. But I will remain by it. I pray punctually. Everything is clear. I have faith.

I have to go through a trial. I cannot tell it to the one who needs to know the most. I cannot worry someone who I already sense is through a hard time. I rely on my faith, I rely on my prayers. I raise my hands and say, "You know the purity of my intention, be my witness. Save my heart, save my soul. Save me from ruin."

The result comes out in my favor. I take it as a sign. I know where I'm heading.

I see a person in my dream. I wake up happy. It's a sign. I must capture it into words before it slips away. I type down the entire dream and email it to the person it involves. The need to share it is strongly felt. I get no reply. I understand. It doesn't affect my short-lived happiness. I know I will always remember it.

I detect traces of lies and contradictions in statements every now and then. I don't take it as a sign. Everyone makes mistakes when they are scared. It does not matter what has been beside of what will be. I will make it happen. I send an areeza beseeching both my Masters resting in Karbala. It has my deepest prayer. Later that day, I fall asleep and see a dream where I am prostrating in haram of Hazrat Abbas, weeping bitterly and repeating to Him that He knows what my heart desires. I wake up with tears in my eyes. I am reading the sign. It is like I have conquered every blessing.
The latter part of the dream is not very satisfying. I cannot interpret its significance. I choose to ignore it. It continues to bother me. I pray hard.

I read somewhere that reciting Dua-e-Tawassul fulfills every legitimate prayer. I listen in majalis that no prayer is denied when you pray through Waseela-e-Abbas. I have strong faith. I sit under His Alam and punctually recite Dua-e-Tawassul every Thursday. It does wonders for me.
I will not immediately understand when my most earnest prayer will be denied. It will come to me only later.

The year is coming to an end. I reflect upon 2013. This year changed my life. It will be Twenty Fourteen in a little over a month. Two Thousand and Fourteen. I have a lot of expectations from the coming year. It will decide the course of my life. I shall not say it out loud. It will jinx it. But I have faith.

It's New Year's eve. I feel something slipping away. I express myself out loud and vow to stay by through all which would follow. I get no reply. But I know love better. It does not need to be proven. I have felt it and I know it is there. I have faith.
The year ends.

2014 begins. The world flips upside down. I am lost in the middle of nowhere. I suffer in silence. I revel in my pain. I become immune to it. I spend nights wide awake in a hope. A wait permanently settles into my subconscious. The dreams stop appearing to me and I fall out of my sleep at intervals. I get no answer.

I jinxed it.

I still pray regularly.

It's been a couple of months. Why is my faith taking so long? I log in my email account after ages for an assignment, I find another email instead. My faith has been in constant action even when I thought it isn't. It gives me hope. I get to exchange only a couple of emails with the sender. He disappears again without completing the discourse.
I continue to intuitively check my mails till this date.

I am told a million things. I choose to register none. I am told how I have been hurt. I am explained the 'nature' of betrayal. I continue to wash my faith with my tears. I fall sick. I have lost my ability to dream.

I give up all hopes and condition myself to go with the flow. The one who had disappeared suddenly shows up. I am told another long tale as a closure. I am too numb to react. I promise to keep it a secret, and I let the person go. I wallow in my sorrow. My story comes to an end. I pray harder.

I move to our new house. I have trouble letting go. My faith tells me it is for the better. I make peace with it.  I delete every word that I had kept close. The memory remains. I still cherish it in my wandering thoughts.
Inside, I am a mess. Outside, I am beginning to improve. The one who had presented closure, shows up again. I am hearing the voice after so long. It swells my heart, but I cannot say. I think this is the last time; but the broken bond is suddenly revived. I am perplexed. Is it that easy? It makes no sense. How can I go back being the same person that I was? Where do I find compensation for that which is lost? My wounds are deepened, but I do not say. My silence is misinterpreted like all other times. I am accused of insincerity. The person abandons me again. I have never hurt anyone. Why did it happen to me? I pour out all my grievances in an areeza to Imam Hussain. I make Him a witness to every tear I have shed in the quietest of nights. I tell Him to remember all my vows I had made and from Him I seek justice and from Him I expect comfort. My faith is intact. I still pray.

I get to receive numerous remarks. I stay silent because I am still just numb by how much it hurts. I tell myself that one who has hurt me would have by now realized. I will forgive if forgiveness be asked. I am proven wrong when the person shows up yet again only to tell me that it was all my fault and I am remembered as someone who withdrew. All my efforts so conveniently disregarded. It tears me apart. I choose to stay strong on the surface.

I fall sick again.

I see my family worried. I see my friends distressed. I question my faith. I get no answer. I stop praying.

I am in a hospital. A friend comes to see me. She holds my hand and asks me to have faith. I cannot hold my tears. We both cry. I feel something break inside me. I think I have lost connection. My prayers are returned unanswered.

I remember listening in a majlis in my childhood of how God doesn't forgive the one who has hurt you as long as you don't. I remember how I have always fancied myself as someone capable of forgiving. I realize now that I am not. I choose not to forgive. It fuels my fire. It keeps me going.

I receive a call from a friend living across the seas. She tells me she has finally got the answer to her 'why' after three years. I am happy for her. It gives me hope.

I have no plans. I continue my semester. I am 21. My family has other plans for me. I don't have the capacity. I tell them I need time. They understand.
It is the same time of the year. One year behind the line, I wasn't broken. Now I need every piece to run right again. I still don't have my answer. I am searching for a lyrical poetry, I come across a Persian Nasheed of Bay Taha Bay Yaseen instead. I internalize it in my bones. The sound of it comforts my shattered soul.

The one who was gone, showed for the nth time dragging me back yet again. I am exposed to the number of lies I was ever told. The person knew all along that it was never my fault, yet the accusations. I don't know where the limits are anymore. Love. Shock. Disgust. Pain. Anger. The possibilities life could have touched had truth been told earlier. The battles I would have taken had this love been just as honest as true as it said it was. There is so much that can never be said again. I have a number of questions to ask, a number of things to tell; I say none. It is ironical how something that I had so earnestly longed for at one point, has arrived so late, that it doesn't even matter anymore.
I am slowly joining the dots... The necessity to forgive is not felt. The pain lives - but I know now.
I have my answer.

For although I had stopped praying, I still had my connection. It was never lost, only disrupted. Neither were my prayers returned unanswered nor denied, only delayed. This calls for a prayer. A prayer of gratitude. My faith has won.

*

The Euphoria was mine all along. I will keep it. I get a part of inspiration for the fifth and final sequel of my Euphoria from Abbas Ali Khan's rendition of a Sufi kalaam composed by Baba Gulzar Sabri. Of all the contemporary music I have listened to, none of it can beat the gravity and soulfulness of this song.

 Nah hai ibteda mere ishq ki, nah hai inteha mere ishq ki.

Mera ishq hee hai mera khuda, mujhay aur koe khuda nah dey.

Mujhay baar baar sada nah dey,

meri hasraton ko hawa nah dey.

Mujhay aashiqo'n mei shumaar kar, mujhay aashiqi ka sila nah dey.

(Neither does my love have a beginning, nor does my love have an end.

My love alone is my God, don't give me any other.

Don't call me to yourself again and again,

don't inflame my hopeless longings.

Consider me among the noble lovers, do not reward me for love.)

~ ~ ~

I adhere to certain values. I do what is right. It is faith.

* * *

It happens again. I find myself thinking of the time gone; I rejoice in my pain. Ten minutes later, I receive a message... I hear what I had yearned to hear at one point.
The second day I am composing random rhyming couplets about a lost golden butterfly. The memory is active in my thoughts. I receive another message. The pain is reinforced. It angers me. It also compels me to do what I may have done had it not come this late.
What do I do? How do I escape from it? Help me, God. It does mean something. Show me what has it come for? I have faith in You.
It is the third day, I subconsciously anticipate for yet another message. And as I type this down, I receive a notice - and not a message - that my number has suddenly been blocked. What is it, a sign? It is God's answer. It is Him telling that the time to let go of the hurt has finally come. The last link is broken. I will not hear from the one gone ever again... It's beginning to settle in. It is finally time to let go. My chest hurts, and down flows the stream of tears. It is beyond my control. I must heave out all my pain in this one last lament.

My faith is renewed.

Euphoria: IV

Read Euphoria III here.

The hailstorm was fierce in the immediate days after he left. And yet, it failed to scare her. She had chosen to wait for him right where he had left only so he could find her easily on his return. She remained there, under the storm, unmoved, unshaken. It was after all in the wildest storm of July when she had taken his extended hand, should a fierce hailstorm really scare her? He must not think she’ll fear away from the unforeseen hurricanes when she outstood the unexpected tempest of August. She didn’t let go of his hand even in the most unfavorable weathers, this was no challenge either. The external voices had a lot to say, she chose not to listen to them. She had given her head the permission to follow the heart; she was to remain by it. He might have had a reason, he might be through something. He’d come. She’d gaze up at the grey sky, praying with all her might, hoping to see signs of Light. Hoping to see the birds again that migrated away along with him. Only she didn’t know the grey was here to stay. Longer than she had thought. Long enough, to change her world; and everything she had ever known.

Her heart had been replaced. She was no longer in possession of something that once belonged to her. The void he left between her fingers ached like a wound that deepened with every passing day. His fragrance was fading, so was the memory of his voice. She’d often hold her breath to let it from slipping...

But for how long?

There was so much she wished to say. So much she couldn’t. She kept waiting for the right time. For the time when he’d place her above all his priorities. When he’ll give her full access to his heart. For the time when she wouldn’t have to fear his departure. When she’d finally have a rightful claim on him. The right time, that wasn't ever meant to come... Only she was yet to accept it.

The nature always reflected back how she felt. Day after day, her longing grew, he never came. And the weather worsened… The river failed to bear the pain any longer and out came its emotions with a sudden gush. The current of desolated river was so strong, it pulled down the Great walls, and ruined everything that it contained within and across its radius. The grand fortress of Euphoria was reduced to rubble right before her eye, and all she could do was stare blankly. Miserably. Helplessly. The miniature elephants, the butter lamps, the color trays, all had flown off with the current and were lost somewhere under the debris of what was fondly built… The city where months ago a sacred commitment was celebrated was now abandoned. Ruined. Reduced to nothing. Under the ruins lied the fine sheesham carvings that were now moldered and left like driftwoods after flood… the festivity was long over, she barely got the chance to completely register it...

He was too many miles away to see for himself how she reveled in the misery he had inflicted upon her. Devastated and overwhelmed, in her melting numbness and hopeless denial, she chose to remain by the promises he had made, and held close the memory of words he had given her. He would come, she'd whisper his name in the quietest of nights, hoping that he'd hear her –but so much at a distance was he; he knew nothing.

The mighty Moors have, however, always known. The Moors could always see him; they, of all, knew he wasn't showing up.
... And there was no going back. How was she supposed to find her way back when she never attended to the pathways she’d been crossing all this way? And why should she have bothered anyway? He was holding her hand all along, what else mattered? They had walked together ever since the journey had begun, or so she always thought. He had offered his hand, he had pledged to guide her through all crossroads under all weathers. But now he was gone. And she was lost in the middle of nowhere. It was no longer the place she used to know. She'd often dwell in her sorrow, wondering why must an emotion, so powerful, so huge, be offended by being confined in a box of definition? He had walked by her side, and what was a joy for her greater than that? Walking in silence together with him, saying so much without saying anything at all. Weeping in his tears, smiling in his laughter. Dreaming in his sleep, musing in his speech. He was her first and only memory in this realm, she felt him better than he thought. She had clung to him in a way he never really noticed and cannot ever really know. So much it meant, if only he had understood.

She had so many questions. So many questions, answers to which were all gone with his acquaintance. And all that remained was unidentified pain somewhere in her empty chest...

The pain was a reminder of simple little things. It was a reminder of all that was once said. The why's have successfully consumed her, and over the course, something sank so low, she failed to find it.

But despite the burning agony he left her in, she continued to wait. For something, ANYTHING, that was to ensure her survival. It was a need. A need to belong. She needed a few words; a few words that will pave way for her. She still relied on him. Only a few words from him, so she could go about finding her way on her own. She longed, to hear his voice for one last time… for one last time to hear him speak, she longed…

But that was then. The longing had switched to dread, she was yet to realized.

*.*.*

The time was moving slow… It was only after she had given up all hopes, when the birds returned. It was sudden. It was unexpected. It was a regretful realization. The snowy Egrets came gracefully fluttering their delicate plumes. The moment their shadows fell on her, a petrifying sensation went down her veins. It weren’t the birds alone. It was him. It was he who had come back. Or so she thought at first.

It was only to his arrival, that she realized she no longer had the courage to face what she’d been waiting for since so long. The birds brought with them what at one point was all she wished for; they brought with them, what she no longer needed.

It was him. After seasons of heart wrenching silence, he had returned.

What for?

She couldn’t follow.

Had he brought cure?

Time would unravel.

He wasn’t the same. She could hardly hear his voice. He was cloaked in a familiar blue robe which he had worn that evening when he had first come. He spoke to her, staying at a distance, unrevealed by the shadow of a tree. Barely visible. When he spoke, he spoke in a hurry. He spoke strangely with a retreating edge to his disembodied voice.

It was clear, he hadn’t come to stay. He had come to lessen his burden and finish the business he had begun a spring ago.

He had a separate city where his Euphoria lived; of which he never fully told her, of which she learned in his absence. He had his own fortress where he originally belonged, long before he crossed her way. He had his own stories, –of which she had no knowledge, of which he had hardly ever told her.

He went on, making no reference to what he had done. He spoke of his pain, which was probably too engaging for him to even notice hers. He showed no regard to the magic they shared. She hopelessly hoped, he was too occupied. He remained behind the shadow, hidden, oblivious of her situation occupied by his own. It was yet another blow to her shaken soul. She didn’t know how to deal with it. It was a broken heart’s misery; the kind of where it was hard to decide what ached more; the knowledge of her broken soul, or the image of his anguished spirit. How was it that a few words washed away all the anger she was fostering ever since he had left? How was it, that now when she finally had the chance to release the rage of despair she’d been holding inside, she felt too weak and vulnerable?

Would hurting him when he was already wounded make her feel any better about her own misery? Was it really so easy, to hurt the one she’d loved so much? It was pain, and who else but she would know better of its torment?

Having said all he had come to say, he waited with subtle impatience for her to believe --all together, all at once. A decision was to be made --one that was to set her free and bring her peace; one, that was to decide the course her life would take from here on.

Believing was a choice she had made a year ago. She made it again.

She made herself realize his pain. She realized he had his own stories of which he never completely made her a part. She let herself follow her heart, once again –for one last time… For the sake of those hollow words that were gone with the wind; for the sake of those forgotten promises that evaporated with the first ray of the burning sun; for the sake of her own self, which was too frail, and yet too strong; but most of all, for him. She realized he had his own miles to travel and his separate wounds that he no longer needed her to cure.

Would not one have asked, who gave him the right to break her in the process of mending himself? There was no denying that he was in pain, but she was in no less. The nature of their pain was different; and it was unsettling for her on several levels. But quiet. It is hearts who have held love close, that remain quiet and let their tormentors walk away, if that is what they desire; regardless of whatever blow they may have dealt.

But no later had she answered, that he returned back from the shadow into the mysterious abyss where he had come from, showing no regard to the journey they had covered together. Too engrossed in his own justifications, too occupied by himself, he didn’t even once look up to see how she was keeping up… He didn’t waste another second and disappeared back into the realm of his own. He disappeared, again, without even giving her a chance to say proper good bye. He hurried back, without letting her bid proper farewell. Why, was the need not felt? Did it not matter? Such was his notion of love; easy to walk in, convenient to walk out… To her, however, love had not come easy, like some sweet feeling bound to come and go away quickly. To her, love was a sacred state. It was an inspiration. To her, love was a fixed mark. It was a defining force that had given her wings; she flew as high as she could, assured that he wouldn’t let her fall. It was faith she was holding close. A faith that he had given her himself. He walked out of her life as conveniently he had walked in.

His delay didn’t hurt as much as his disregard did. His turning away without even looking back at her for the last time explained how much she concerned him. He was gone, with the wind… Gone as if he never existed. Having her deeply diseased in the process of finding cure for him, he was gone…

***

Holding her heart with both her hands, she sat by the river side, wallowing in her sorrow. The prayer she had sent was returned unanswered in the form of heavy sleet.

It was a dream. A dream so fragile, she shouldn’t even have whispered it.


Read Euphoria V here

Withdrawal

I am the kind of person, who needs to write to really know what exactly is running in mind. Things get really hazy when I don’t write for too long. Although I scribbled down incoherent details hastily of how my life is these days in my previous post, there’s still a lot that I missed out; and a lot that happened after it. And to bring it out in proper words seem like quite a task. But I shall try.

Throughout this time, I have been having a sharp transition of perspectives.  I felt bad and I felt miserable; I believed in what I had believed since the first day, but the evidences then compelled me to see what as well seemed pretty much the truth. I fought with people who asserted their judgment on me, and I remained silent. I accepted my vulnerability, and I also overcame it. I have had to make a lot of choices ever since. But it has been quite some time since I’ve stopped telling people my reasons. I only smile now, to whatever theories they propose. When there’s a secret you’ve got to protect, that’s the best you can do. –Yes, it has been over a month, and I still get to receive ‘comments’ and failed-heart-consoling propositions from people who know nothing. Consolations that I don't even need! People around make up things, sometimes I guess to really make me feel good; and sometimes, perhaps, to make themselves. I have all the right to think whatever I wish against or in favor of someone I used to know, but I can’t allow anyone else to speak badly of someone they don’t even know. I have been badly hurt, yes, and I am extremely angry, yes; but I still feel some... Some... I don't know... Some kind of... How do I put it? How do I explain what I feel when I fail to hold up my anger for long? I am essentially not a mean person. I hate it when I see myself failing in holding up my anger for someone who handed me a bouquet of twisted stories and lies, and disappeared without even bidding proper farewell --that's just the tragedy with me; not being able to accept the wrong people can do to your sincerity. But that's my problem, why do people find it so hard to mind their goddamn business?! They would keep asking if I’m OK, which would only remind me that I am not. Hence, the seclusion. I no longer bother about people. I no longer speak to anyone. I absolutely no longer let people talk about it to me. I didn't know I was capable of being rude to people. But then there were many other things of which as well I thought I wasn't capable.

I had my fourth appointment with the doctor just yesterday; he said I’m doing well. Only two more to go and then I’d be done. It has been a long way…

I turned Twenty-One a couple of weeks ago. I was excited and nervous and secretly despairing; but feeling special about my birthday was exceptionally not the deal this year, like I always used to. It feels like yesterday how I used to hold my breath and count the minutes of my birthday only to make sure I thoroughly lived my birth day. Now when I look back, it feels like I’ve come so far, having lost everything behind. I assumed June 19th to feel like… Just another day. Just another day when I would wake up struggling against a shriveling lump in my heart. The plan was to spend the day reading Kahlil Gibran. His writings are out of this world. You would wonder, how a person, perhaps just so ordinary yet too thoughtful, can fathom thoughts so perfectly into ethereal words? Words, those are likely to stay with you for long. But the day did not turn out the way I had thought (like many other things, of course). I couldn’t have the day to myself. I did not know my Chachi and cousins have planned to surprise me with a cake and stuff at midnight; until my mother told me ten minutes before their arrival that they are coming. I was a little disappointed, she ruined my surprise!? But that was because she said "kaheen tum rona nah shuru hojao". I mean... Whatever. So I had to 'act' surprised when they came. It was good anyhow, to see them all screaming happy birthday in my ear. The next day my entire nanihaal (sparing you the pain of reading those long names) landed at our place with a cake (which was heavenly!!!) and just some other ‘party’ stuff. Naani  hugged me, and wished me good health; she said I must make a fresh start this year, and I swear I welled up. Later we went out to the only place that really makes me happy; the beach. I guess it was better that way. Having people around does make it easier. A couple of days later my best friend came home to post-celebrate my birthday. She said she wanted to make this birthday as special for me as she could. How much effort they all put in only to keep our pieces together. My cousins however flew back at the end of my birthday week. They had me engaged long enough to find my way back. But then, they too, left. I’m not going to rant over that though, I had an extremely amazing time with them. In fact, the sole reason why I recovered from my illness was because they were here to help and support me in every possible way. I cried BUCKETS when they left, creating a whole scene at the airport (why does it feel funny now when I replay it in my head?). But it was OK. It was upsetting, but it wasn’t painful, because they weren’t gone.

I also made few new friends on Twitter. The same good people I used to dislike JUST because I saw them through someone else's perspective. They and their lives are opposite of what I was told. It's a pity. You know that feeling, when you see certain contradictory statements unraveling right before your eyes? You are disappointed, angered, despaired. And yet, you can't even go back and throw them in the face. Why? Because not doing that makes you a better person. Knowing that you have a clear conscience is, I tell you, a blessing. 'Cause whether you admit or not, regrets happen to eat your soul. I maintained my limits and was always truthful, that saves my soul. I also resumed interaction with my old followers on Twitter that I had suspended just because I had my priorities sorted, unlike some. It felt good, being back; with my guards multiplied and up.

I discovered few new places with my creepy cousins too. One was this café, Le Grand Coffee Lounge. Somewhere at… I don’t know, Zamzama? Whatever place it was, it was amazing. Too colorful and lively. I don’t particularly like cafés; one reason honestly being that I have never really been to any except for ghisaa pitaa  Gloria Jean’s (I hate their peach iced tea, blekh!) and Dunkin' Donuts (if you feel like counting it as a cafe). This place was good.  I tried their Chicken Lasagna (although that place is particularly famous for its flavored sheesha), and to be fair, it lacked spices and THE LASAGNA taste. Another place that I liked better than Le Grand, was Espresso. They make some delicious chocolate cookies! And Sattar Buksh, a weird place. But incredibly creative. They have a funny menu. Bhinnot Bun Kabab. Badtameez Burger. Topless Besharam Burger. Dehshatgard Pizza. Lol! We also relived our childhood by paying a visit to the only amusement park we loved; Sindbad. That place contains too many, JUST TOO MANY memories! I don’t know when was the last time I was there… We repeated the tradition of taking double rides of every ride available. The Crazy Bus. Dumbo. Log Slide. Dodging Car. DRAGON TRAIN. There are also many new additions. I guess Sindbad is the only place that still sells Polka cup ice-creams. Oh, the childhood joys!
I might as well mention here the damn load of movies I was forced to watch. Prometheus, Lone Survivor, Wolf of the Wall Street, Holiday, Nightmare at the Elm Street, Olympus has Fallen, Her, Iron-Man, Highway and a couple of which I don’t remember. I avoided re-watching Silver Linings Playbook.  I fell in love with Her, and Highway was beautiful. The rest were so boring, so boring, so boring... I don’t even know how boring. But I watched them anyway only because they watched the movies I had suggested. We completed our Friends marathon and re-watched the Hangover Series thrice to soak in as much Allen Garner as we could.  The time really flew by with them, and I didn’t even realize that I am improving.

In another news, I and my family have moved to a new house. It's only been three days. I have spent a major part of my life in there; it was difficult. That place and that time still lingers in my thoughts. All the change had come so suddenly, I didn't know how to deal with it. I realized I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms when I woke up and it took me some time to register that I am no longer on my gray iron bed, in my old lilac painted room. The walls here are painted silver gray. Everything's new, everything has changed, and I don't exactly know how I feel about it. Also, I no longer share room with my brothers. I thought I'd be happy at this. I'm not.

I had conditioned my mind to leave everything behind in that old house. I wasn't ready, but the time had come. So I pretty much knew I would have to bear withdrawal anxiety, when I finally decided to empty my phone memory. Who was I keeping it all for, when I didn't even for once reread the hollow words after cutting off the last link? It was only a prominent reminder which I was saving just because I wasn't willing to let go. I wanted to believe that maybe, some of it, was really true. I just wanted to see the old reflection. They said getting rid of the reminders is the first step of letting go. I took it. I also got myself a hair cut. Although I had decided I wouldn't get a haircut because I was told not to get it cut short. After a year, I've had it anyway. Because really, whose wish was I adhering to? This was another little step. They also said a new place and open air (since this new house is away from the hustle of main city) will make it much easier for me to get my health back and make a new start. Well.

I vented out all my grievances in a letter to Imam Hussain -we call it areeza- which he received on the 15th of Shaban. Awesome, isn't it? My answers, I have faith, will be delivered soon. And ever since, the pain has substantially lessened, but has not really left. I play well in showing that I am improving, it only hurts when I realize that if there is someone who suffered and is still struggling, it is me. The one responsible has walked away absolutely unaffected. It's a shame, how people fix themselves by breaking others. Why?! I get so agitated when I think of it. What wrong did I do? And what difference did my last few words make anyway? Although I muted the tweets and blocked out all profiles and sources that would, even accidentally, update me of the whereabouts. I have never known in all my life of what I must do; but I have always known what I must not. I am good at avoiding stuff that I know will cause me pain. And yet, it at times hurts; mistake me not, it's no more that sacred feeling. For me, love is rooted in respect. I lost it from my heart the day I realized I am being taken as nothing but an option. And this, in reality, is what aches. It is this betrayal that keeps coming back to me. How I had so effortlessly put someone in priority. I trusted. I vowed to support till the end. I made every effort to convince everyone. Against all, I invested my faith in someone.  And what did I get for my goodwill? Except for countless "I told you so" statements from people? -Not even a single appropriate reason. Only a dreary silence. I just never had wished to remember and be remembered as someone who didn't care, or wasn't willing enough, or changed her mind, or backed off. I can never know how I am remembered, neither do I want to find out; dejection falls on me only when I see myself remembering the time and person in it in all the ways I thought I won't. You can't help feeling bad about things that you revered beautiful once, now, can you? People and the words they say to you don't usually turn out the way they seem and are spoken. People and their plans change, once they're out of danger.

It’s not that I am not trying. I am trying harder than I thought I am capable of. It might be easy for others, but it is not for me. I am going to take my time. As much as it requires. I decided not to talk about again; but the truth is, I have never had a blow as sharp as this one, and so I can’t help it. In all this mess, however, one thing was clear; if everyone is saying the same thing, there must be at least some truth in it. It is plain stupidity to ignore the evident and believe in superficial propositions just because you want to. My life was pretty simple. But I guess sometimes despite all our goodwill and good intention, fate wins anyway. Now here I am. Drained, but stronger. Paying visits to hospital. For I don’t even know what. For trusting too much, maybe. For expecting too much. For depending too much. For revering promises way to much. And for a lot of other stuff –the reflection on which I’d keep till the New Year ’s Eve. That would be for the last time I’d ever talk about it --(I haven't completely given up my timing habit).

Also, Ramzan has just begun. One year behind the line, I was a genuinely happy person, looking forward to certain promises. Now I have to put in a certain amount of effort to feel happy. I remember how I was eager to master culinary skills. I have given up on that. I remember how I was changing... And sure enough, I did. Just not the way I had thought. The only good change that happened, was that I started praying regularly. And I thankfully still do. Except that I no longer pray for someone the way I always had. I am not as noble to pray with goodwill even after how awfully someone may break my heart, my trust, my promises and pretty much my every belief. I don't know where the limits are anymore. I don't know, what to believe in anymore. Not even a single day passes by when I don't tell God how much it had ached; not even a single day goes by, when I don't tell Him how I am unable to forgive. He listens.

Anyway. I am trying to get used to here, in my new house. It lacks a terrace, but has an open corridor and a spacious roof top; which means I can still see the sky. I was in a hospital when I checked my emails after quite some time, and I was delighted to see messages from people appreciating Euphoria. I really had no idea so many people actually follow it. It was heart warming, really. I have drafted the final two episodes; it is a tragedy how my Euphoria ended within only five posts... But that is just how it was supposed to be. This place inspires me to write. Too much greenery around; too good a therapy. So I think I'd be writing more often now.

I still have a couple of weeks before my final semester begins. Interesting how only a few months ago I had it all decided, and now I am clueless of what would I do after I'm done with my final semester. I am leaving it on time to decide for me, like it always has.

I am back listening to Keane and Snow Patrol. They are doing wonders for me. Pure nostalgia; which is helping find my lost bits and pieces.

An Unfinished Portrait

You know what’s annoying? When the unforeseen circumstances spring out of nowhere and hinder your plans. My exams are continuously getting postponed and I am frustrated! I’d say again, like I have often said before, why is it that time crawls like a snail when we want it to pass by fast? I have been counting every second till my exams get over to finally sigh out what I’ve been holding inside since so long. Heart begins to sink when it is loaded with a bulk of things. It can contain in it only so much. And so to keep it afloat, it is important to let a few things out. And what a terrible mistake it is, to have no one to talk you out of your despair. Like I read in one of Mitch Albom’s books, you need to keep people close.

A year ago, my life was free from stains of abandoned promises and broken expectations. I was a happy, enthusiastic person like I’ve always been. I remember talking endlessly and laughing at and cracking silly jokes. I remember my hunger attacks; I remember dragging my friends to the cafeteria and then wondering what to eat. I remember readily believing in everything people told me about themselves and how they appeared, it was the simplest thing. I remember how I always believed that people are essentially good. I remember enjoying and gaining something out of each day that passed. Now when I look back, it seems like I’ve come so far since then. I don’t act much now. Don’t feel like talking, don’t feel like eating. I don’t feel anything at all these days.

Or *felt.

Things have been coming to me since the very beginning, only I was a fool to deliberately overlook them. Because that is what you do when you want to save your relationship, no? It came to me only later, that you make sacrifices only when there is hope; it is otherwise an act of dishonoring your own self. A few of the incidents that happened during the course which helped me find my way back are worth mentioning.

A couple of weeks ago it rained in Karachi. I have never identified rain with despair. It has always been a source of joy, contentment, and tranquility for me. I remembered how I always texted everyone telling them it’s raining outside; knowing that it need not to be told that it’s raining, that it’s obvious, but that was just another little thing that I loved doing. That was just another thing that made me ‘me’. This time for some reasons, I didn’t feel like texting anyone. I remained in my room, inhaling and absorbing the scent of verdant earth. My phone vibrated, and much to my amusement, simultaneously came the texts of two of my very old friends. Both asking me why haven’t I texted them yet about the weather like I always used to. I missed myself. But that wasn’t it, a while later, my phone rang and it was my Chachu on the other side, and the first thing he asked, after I said hello, was if I was OK. “Yes… Why?” I asked, puzzled by his question. “It’s raining outside. I kept waiting for your text exclaiming it’s raining or ohmygod look at the weather; but it never came. Are you OK, little one?” My heart sank… Really? And that was when I realized that people miss me too. People who care. People who have always cared. And I have been very unjust to all of them.

When people who really love you come to you at unlikely times, you find something truly important which teaches you to live again. Down came to Karachi few of my old cousins almost a month back. I grew up with them and together we have shared a childhood that I will cherish forever. Being beach lovers since always, we went down to sea view a number of times, and talked about old days and reflected on what life has become today. Sunsets and the sound of sea waves induce nostalgia, does it not? From each other, we learn to live. All of us, if you look closely, are trying to save each other from falling apart. Where words can act like injurious weapons; they can also function as healing catalyst to the same wounds. A cousin come best friend, in her far off tone told me a few things that I wished she hadn't told me, but also for which I was really thankful. It was a state of ambivalence. She said it cannot be love if doesn’t make you a better person. It cannot really be love which requires you to get on your knees to win it. How could a person claim to love you, when he is trapped in his public persona? If he cares more of how people would judge him should he hold your hand, you know where you stand. If a person has his way only with words but doesn’t have the courage to come up and ask for your hand, you know what you gotta do."What good is love if it is uncommitted, no? You have always settled for things lesser than you really deserve. Love needs courage and honesty. It needs to be genuinely felt. People who treat it as just some emotion easy to walk in and give hasty promises in their temporary feeling only to conveniently walk out of them, are not worth it. There is always a reason why a person ends up alone. It’s not because love didn’t come to him. It is because he didn’t treat it well when it actually did. Don’t always sympathize with those who are alone. Sometimes they really are at fault. Sometimes, they really deserve being alone. You must know that those who always see others at fault are the ones who are at fault themselves. Your simplistic views don’t change the fact that half truths are more or less similar to lies. Your fanciful approach to life doesn’t change the fact that one sided stories are… Well. Just remember, losing yourself for those who messed up your happy life just because they couldn’t have one of their own is not justifiable. Because that is unfair; to those who still wish to see you the way you were, and also to your own self. Pull yourself together, revisit the memory for one last time and destroy it, so you could accommodate new ones, pleasant ones.  Let it hurt you all at once than allowing it to kill you in episodes. Do what you are being signaled to do. You’ve been given several chances, why does it not occur to you that Nature is trying to save you? Why does it not occur to you, that this is an answer to your prayer, to your letters that you’ve written? Where did all your faith go? Everything, everything happens for a reason. Do, what you must."

I pulled up a smile, and stared back at the vast sea that stretched endlessly before me. There wasn’t a single word that did not make sense. It all did. Only I wasn’t ready to accept it. That is just how nauseatingly obedient and convinced I was. The waves kept coming back to the shore, they hopelessly kept coming back. And with them, they brought questions that I was, and still am, yet to answer. Should those, who you loved so dearly at one point in your life, deserve to be despised regardless of how they treated you? Should those who made a mess of your life and abandoned you deserve forgiveness? Should moments that you once cherished, deserve a woeful reminiscence? And most of all, is it really time?

You know, while something is happening, we don't realize how grand it is until some time passes, and then we look back at it with great fondness. For me however, certain events were already so 'grand' while they were happening, I didn't require time. I was well aware in the moments, and felt every bit of em just when they were happening. I felt it when I was entering 2014 that this year will be a life changer. I felt it when I walked bare foot in pouring rain soaking the water of heaven in my bones. I felt it when I bunked the compulsory 8:30 class with my friends for the sake of our little adventure to a dhaaba for halwa poori ka naashta. I felt it when I laughed at the most ridiculous jokes with my friends until my stomach ached and I couldn't breathe. When I first experienced a new emotion and decided to take a leap of faith, I felt it. I felt it walking down the parking lot on a drizzly afternoon of August. I felt it when I made a choice and decided to fight for it. I felt each bit of it. I also felt the intensity of those certain moments that came to me time by time showing the transition of life right before my eyes, and transforming me into somebody I was sure I'd never be. Sitting there, absorbing the sound of sea waves, I wondered again, is it really time to put an end? I sighed.

...And I heard myself say yes.

Prior to that, I also got certain of my wrongly stated facts corrected from the most unexpected sources. I remembered what Naani always told us, Duniya gol hai. Never truly understood the correct meaning until the time came. The contradictions were striking, so was the disappointment. But I chose not to go into details to spare myself of knowing anything else. Whatever the story maybe, what did it matter anyway now? I had endured enough. What felt bad was how my sincerity was mistaken as stupidity; how even being a curious and an intuitive person, I remained silent to the obvious lies and contradictions which was sadly mistaken as my dumbness. I was filled with a number of ambiguous emotions. But of all, the most powerful was of gratitude. To The Lights. I then found the courage to add final strokes to an unfinished portrait. I shrugged off all my prejudices against people I didn’t even know. I shrugged off my dislike against people I always saw through someone else’s perspective. It felt silly. I was never this person.

It is very amazing how a little daring act can bail you out of a number of burdens that were not even yours to carry in the first place. I did what I believed was right. Like it is said, a graceful refusal is better than a lengthy promise. I have heard and read a thousand narratives of how Imams kept their promises and what it is meant to give a promise. I set about keeping the ones I had given, regardless of how the ones I was given were broken. I was sincere, that made me weak. I was hurt, that filled me with anger of despair. But in my anger, I did not forget who I am. Because had I been brutal with my words, that would have made me no different. It wasn’t easy, but it did dispel the phantoms that turned me into an emotional wreck, and helped me break free of a vicious circle of twisted mysteries. All those years when I was growing up, I listened in different majalis how God doesn’t forgive the one who has hurt you as long as you don’t. I grew up with Naani telling me that we must forgive people who hurt us so that God forgive them too. We must not inflict such a curse on someone. She said forgiving people only makes us better and raises us in the eyes of God. All that time, I thought I am capable of forgiving people. It was only now that I learned I’m not. I don’t have the ability to forgive those who walked out of my life as conveniently they had walked in giving away hollow promises in sheer haste. They might be mere words for them, but they weren’t for me. I don’t have the capacity to forgive those who were ‘kidding’ themselves all along, and in that they created a mess of my life. Forgiving is a right, and it’s up to me whether I use it or not. And I choose not to. Not anywhere soon at least.

Another significant thing that I learned, was how wrong I was in timing myself. I had only limited myself to time-marks blindly believing that things will work out only after my calculated time. I wouldn’t do what I must do until so and so month. I wouldn’t start working to get myself back until this date. I wouldn’t blog until the exams get over. And so on. What I didn’t realize, despite being well aware, that time is fluid and life is happening. By the time you cover a certain milestone, a lot of unforeseen incidents take place and plans ultimately change. I had only bound my actions to unnecessary time-posts that only delayed my peace. I didn’t do what I should have done earlier just because I had timed myself. I didn’t do what I thought I’d do when I will find the will to completely let go, and then it was too late. It was only after how a friend told me, that what I cannot do today, cannot be done tomorrow either. "What can be done tomorrow, can also be done today. Find the will. Only you can change your life." Where words are capable of depriving you of hope; they also serve well to fill you with inspiration. I really sometimes fail to believe they are my friends, how do they do that? Because surprisingly enough, she had me convinced. Something... Clicked.

So. I broke my time marks, and the membrane of vulnerability. My exams are still on, and I posted a blog. Because I had decided that after I write a post about it, I might get some closure. I will no more look back at it with regret, that wouldn’t be fair. I am slowly getting back to socializing and practicing more talking. The last week has been quite well. Chachu was leaving for Dubai again, this time for a long stay, so I had a good family time when we went over to stay at his place and then planned a grand farewell dinner for him. And then luckily, the people I hold very dear, the people who had flown thousand miles away, are back for vacations to where they really belong –Home. So I spent most of my time with them, going out at night to the beach or watching seasons of Friends and ordering food or simply talking all night. I feel amazingly healthy. And you thought right, I do have my exams going on. Yeah well.

Tomorrow there is Milaad and Niyaaz at home, so everyone will be here tonight, keeping up the tradition of making meethi pooriyan together. I love how traditions tie us in a strong bond. I love how family’s support helps you get over every sorrow. Life feels a lot less dreary when you have such a family that knows how to value relations and adhere to traditions, and a handful of genuine friends who keep you from falling apart. They didn't give up on me even after how hopelessly I gave up on myself. Having felt their concerns so closely, I am truly grateful. And this had to be confessed, 'cause gratitude that is not expressed is of no good to anyone.

The dreams however have completely stopped appearing. But in due course, I am convinced, they will appear again. There are a few more updates, but I will keep them to share later. I am writing after some time, so I've tried quite hard to make the post appear cohesive. Hope it does. I will also share the pictures of the food and milaad as well in my next post.

…It is only now that I realize what my portrait really consists of.

A broken heart would do.

d you ever wanted something so badly that you were afraid of actually having it? Had ever you’ve been in a vicious circle that all you could think of doing for escape was to hold your breath and shut your eyes tight? And count to ten… Maybe suddenly your eyes will pop open and it would turn out all to be a bad dream?

Had you ever trusted in people so blindly, so religiously, that it became impossible to believe they’ve lied to you? Had you ever regarded certain things absolutely impossible to ever happen to you? Had you ever avoided saying it out loud to yourself, fearful that it might sweep you off your feet and you'd break into tiny, irreparable pieces? Had you ever, in life, attended a reality in episodes? Only so it will hurt just a little less…

Most nights I come here, trying to bring together pieces of my crumbled world. Most nights I go out in the open and stare blankly up at the sky; searching for the only thing that I’ve always been afraid to lose. The soft light of moon keeps trying to pass through the frame of thin clouds, but seldom does it succeed in reaching down at me. Why can I no longer see?

I cannot help but muse on how in a matter of few odd days everything changed ‘cause of reasons untold. It’s been over a month now since I’ve last had a dream; which is very unusual for me. –Maybe because I no longer get to have a continuous sleep. My unconscious keeps pushing me off at intervals, I keep waking up in the middle of the night as if I’m waiting for something... I am still engaged in untying an endless knot, because sure enough, my wait isn’t over yet. Though I’ve decided (and very much hoping) not to wreak a mess any more. I’ve done enough damage to people around me, and I cannot bear to take on any further guilt. Falling terribly sick, almost ruining a family wedding, having my friends worried to the core and agonizing my family –I don’t think I could’ve hurt as many people in several ways all at once any more, even if I’d tried. It is a complex feeling, when people you’ve hurt the most so effortlessly forgive you and attempt to reach back JUST because they love you. Is it not insane, how love can give someone the power to break you?

Over the course, something’s sunk so low inside me, I can’t find it anymore. I wake to a familiar feeling of pain and with the same feeling I return back to sleep. From a hearty laughter I abruptly switch to sobbing without even realizing. I drift into another realm of universe ruminating over little things that were so much more than just words and actions for me. There’s perhaps nothing more dangerous than an unspoken emotion. There was so much I wished to say, so much I couldn’t. I kept waiting for the right time, but it never came. And I’m yet to completely register that it’s likely to never come.—Initially, none of it made sense. I kept waiting hopelessly –for just one reason –just an answer –just a word! But, nothing. I kept digging to find out what went wrong, where did I go wrong? And again, nothing. I kept going back to make sense how one day my world was perfect and the other day suddenly it was flipped upside down, and to trace an answer to how’s and why's; but all that followed was a heart wrenching silence. —Now, the space has shrunk so small as to accommodate the arrival of any reason, any word. Now it wouldn't change anything; it will rather, in fact, just add more to an ache that never leaves me. The wait has been internalized and the pain's been here long enough, I’ve become immune to it. It’s devastating once you realize you have been wronged, that too by the one you least expected. It can tear you apart and you cannot even wince. You can only wait. And so I am. The how’s and why’s keep lingering around me –I deliberately overlook them. Certain associations put me in a fast train back few months, tears well up–I force them back to where they come from. And that is when it returns, hurting a bit more than usual, giving rise to an unidentified twinge somewhere in my chest which aches bitterly; but slowly, gradually, disappears back into the emptiness…

As unreal this particular instance feels, the pain is just as real. I hold my breath in a hope that maybe, just maybe, this is all a part of some bad dream that I’m into. But I can hold my breath for only so long; and when I ultimately sigh out, I find myself just where I was left. For how long will I go on with this disoriented mental state, I cannot quite tell. But it’s better that way. I know I cannot completely escape, and eventually I will have to come back to it. And so I will. But now isn’t the right time. Maybe after the semester. Maybe after I’ve compensated for the damage I’ve caused to people around me. Maybe after I’ve gathered enough strength to embrace the void and face whole of it directly. Maybe after I am sure. Maybe then.

The reason as well why I came here tonight was to hear myself say it out loud to myself. I knew I had to gather it all and just write. It’s comforting. Tonight is probably the last time I am exhausting my tear glands and letting my mind go haywire; the last time I am holding on tight whatever little I still have, before finally letting it go. Till then, –along with my academic studies that I cannot right now afford to risk on –watching movies and reading would do to keep me going. I’ll find solace in Disney films, and would conform to everything my friends and family say. If my eating proper and smiling and talking again will compensate for the hurt, I’ll do. I can spend only so much time playing with kids and cartoons can make me laugh only for so long, but it would do. Till then, denial is healthy and numbness would do. Till then... A broken heart would do.