A broken heart would do.

d you ever wanted something so badly that you were afraid of actually having it? Had ever you’ve been in a vicious circle that all you could think of doing for escape was to hold your breath and shut your eyes tight? And count to ten… Maybe suddenly your eyes will pop open and it would turn out all to be a bad dream?

Had you ever trusted in people so blindly, so religiously, that it became impossible to believe they’ve lied to you? Had you ever regarded certain things absolutely impossible to ever happen to you? Had you ever avoided saying it out loud to yourself, fearful that it might sweep you off your feet and you'd break into tiny, irreparable pieces? Had you ever, in life, attended a reality in episodes? Only so it will hurt just a little less…

Most nights I come here, trying to bring together pieces of my crumbled world. Most nights I go out in the open and stare blankly up at the sky; searching for the only thing that I’ve always been afraid to lose. The soft light of moon keeps trying to pass through the frame of thin clouds, but seldom does it succeed in reaching down at me. Why can I no longer see?

I cannot help but muse on how in a matter of few odd days everything changed ‘cause of reasons untold. It’s been over a month now since I’ve last had a dream; which is very unusual for me. –Maybe because I no longer get to have a continuous sleep. My unconscious keeps pushing me off at intervals, I keep waking up in the middle of the night as if I’m waiting for something... I am still engaged in untying an endless knot, because sure enough, my wait isn’t over yet. Though I’ve decided (and very much hoping) not to wreak a mess any more. I’ve done enough damage to people around me, and I cannot bear to take on any further guilt. Falling terribly sick, almost ruining a family wedding, having my friends worried to the core and agonizing my family –I don’t think I could’ve hurt as many people in several ways all at once any more, even if I’d tried. It is a complex feeling, when people you’ve hurt the most so effortlessly forgive you and attempt to reach back JUST because they love you. Is it not insane, how love can give someone the power to break you?

Over the course, something’s sunk so low inside me, I can’t find it anymore. I wake to a familiar feeling of pain and with the same feeling I return back to sleep. From a hearty laughter I abruptly switch to sobbing without even realizing. I drift into another realm of universe ruminating over little things that were so much more than just words and actions for me. There’s perhaps nothing more dangerous than an unspoken emotion. There was so much I wished to say, so much I couldn’t. I kept waiting for the right time, but it never came. And I’m yet to completely register that it’s likely to never come.—Initially, none of it made sense. I kept waiting hopelessly –for just one reason –just an answer –just a word! But, nothing. I kept digging to find out what went wrong, where did I go wrong? And again, nothing. I kept going back to make sense how one day my world was perfect and the other day suddenly it was flipped upside down, and to trace an answer to how’s and why's; but all that followed was a heart wrenching silence. —Now, the space has shrunk so small as to accommodate the arrival of any reason, any word. Now it wouldn't change anything; it will rather, in fact, just add more to an ache that never leaves me. The wait has been internalized and the pain's been here long enough, I’ve become immune to it. It’s devastating once you realize you have been wronged, that too by the one you least expected. It can tear you apart and you cannot even wince. You can only wait. And so I am. The how’s and why’s keep lingering around me –I deliberately overlook them. Certain associations put me in a fast train back few months, tears well up–I force them back to where they come from. And that is when it returns, hurting a bit more than usual, giving rise to an unidentified twinge somewhere in my chest which aches bitterly; but slowly, gradually, disappears back into the emptiness…

As unreal this particular instance feels, the pain is just as real. I hold my breath in a hope that maybe, just maybe, this is all a part of some bad dream that I’m into. But I can hold my breath for only so long; and when I ultimately sigh out, I find myself just where I was left. For how long will I go on with this disoriented mental state, I cannot quite tell. But it’s better that way. I know I cannot completely escape, and eventually I will have to come back to it. And so I will. But now isn’t the right time. Maybe after the semester. Maybe after I’ve compensated for the damage I’ve caused to people around me. Maybe after I’ve gathered enough strength to embrace the void and face whole of it directly. Maybe after I am sure. Maybe then.

The reason as well why I came here tonight was to hear myself say it out loud to myself. I knew I had to gather it all and just write. It’s comforting. Tonight is probably the last time I am exhausting my tear glands and letting my mind go haywire; the last time I am holding on tight whatever little I still have, before finally letting it go. Till then, –along with my academic studies that I cannot right now afford to risk on –watching movies and reading would do to keep me going. I’ll find solace in Disney films, and would conform to everything my friends and family say. If my eating proper and smiling and talking again will compensate for the hurt, I’ll do. I can spend only so much time playing with kids and cartoons can make me laugh only for so long, but it would do. Till then, denial is healthy and numbness would do. Till then... A broken heart would do.

February

Ever since New Year’s Eve, I feel like a lot of time has passed. But it’s just February yet. Why is it that when we want the time to pass quickly, it crawls like a lethargic snail. And when we want it to stop, it flies by in a blink of an eye? A lot has happened in this span of time. Little little events, that somehow forced me back into a shell that I had left after persevere insistence; gradually decreasing the enthusiasm that I had maintained for this year. I seldom get to see any stars at night these days. The magic line seems to have depleted. Few expectations gone wrong, few plans modified, few beliefs altered –and that too just in the beginning of the year that in my Utopia I had marked to be the one which will be the brightest of all the years I have seen so far. Or maybe, it’s just too early for me to pass any such declaration.
 

I don’t know why  Having so much difficulty moving on and worrying about things that are not in my control. I’ve always known I have self-deceptive tendencies. I find it difficult to register painful, almost unreal truths. I go into a state of sharp denial, pretending to be still ignorant; conveniently hiding myself from all the glaring realities. That is one reason why I sleep a lot when upset. Lying under my quilt, I feel safe. Hidden from the world, hidden from my own self. Hidden from the fears that desire to savage me, hidden from my own life that can suddenly pounce on me whenever it would want.

Hidden and invisible.

But for how long…

The lump in my heart is getting heavier. Day by day. But I’m not letting it take the toll on me. Not yet.  I’m not letting it lose as yet. Not unless I know everything. Not unless I earn every single right to set it free and let the pain prevail. Not yet. So as for now, I’m setting about doing all that might provide me with the slightest of joy, which sooner or later I’m sure to miss. A part of me suggests I must take a break from all this thinking. Perhaps I really think too much. But then, I’m also not being helped! The reasons just keep increasing. And then they come looming over me and I lose my touch. I have been blaming myself for thinking too much –losing my appetite in this course –and creating a problem that wasn’t even there. I am doing that no more. I have reasons valid enough to think. And worry. And join the dots to find out what life has in store for me. Last week I went over to stay with my grandmother. Naani. She knows me best. She could see right through me, no matter how normal I try to behave. I kept avoiding eye contact with her the whole time, but in vain. I knew she wouldn’t let it go and honestly, I didn’t want her to let it go either. She asked my mum to let me stay with her tonight. I knew it was time I tell her all that’s been piling up on me. For how long can one bare to handle the fears all alone? She made me sit close and asked me to tell her every single thing that’s been causing me to cry abruptly at about every little thing. You know how some feelings are? Too difficult to be correctly articulated. I finally allowed it to come out in incoherent and broken syllables. She tenderly hugged me when I was finally done. I never knew she could be so understanding about certain matters. The warmth of her motherly embrace somehow healed the brokenness that was aching my soul. All my insecurities were gone for that instance. I felt safe, invisible almost. It was the prime of vulnerability. I was drained and tired; as weak as I could ever be. Helpless. It was the moment I realized I’ve become somebody I was sure I’d never be. An uninterested, desolated, vulnerable person. Few of the possible harsh truths she told me broke my heart. I cried bitterly and she allowed me to empty myself right before her. But she also told me that I must remain positive. That if I’ve made a vow, I must stand by it and cooperate with the troubles somebody could be going through. I must understand the reasons. She told me that I must wait and cling to what I’ve been holding on to since the very beginning. Faith. She told me, “You prayed at every step, didn’t you? So if you believe Lights have guided you up till here, you must know that Lights will guide you further on.”  She held me close and with her hand in my hair, she soothed me to sleep. I chose to rely on what she’d said. I have soaked all of it in. Believing was a choice I made a few months ago. I am not going to abandon it.  My fears however remain, but they have taken a back seat for now.

I guess in my desire of making things great, I am unknowingly ignoring the good that I already have. Perhaps it’s time I refrain just a little from caring too much. It’s time I fight off certain unnecessary fears. It’s high time I return to people who STILL care. A few days ago a friend told me she’s likely to get a brain hemorrhage worrying about me. I am a selfish thankless person. Another concerned friend genuinely looking into my eyes told me I must not take life so seriously…  She is probably right. I must return to being the light happy person that I’ve always been. So here’s the plan. This week, typical desi breakfast at Sufi’s Dhaba it is! *cross*A movie day out and Cream Cheese Pasta party with these girls. *cross* A combine Skype conference with my school mates. *double cross* I am  planning on attending the Sindhi Festival that’d be coming to Karachi in a week or so as well, with a friend who is just the right amount of insane as I am. *final cross* And, I’m also on to cook something for Amma this very month. *a tentative cross*…
I need to do all this before I get buried under heaps of course work. This semester is going to be tough. Like, toughhhhh. And I say that about every semester. No, really, this is tough!!! But it’s better that way, I guess. The busier I’d be, the lesser I’d get to attend to myself and the fears that will eventually find their way back.

I hope to return with a post much happier than this one. Every year at the commencement of a new semester our university organizes a grand book fair. You can find about every book just there and that too at a very reasonable cost. There are two books I am yearning to get my hands on. How It Happened by Shazaf Fatima Haider and The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom. I might mention what a good read they turned out to be, making my next post naturally a pleasant one.

And by the way, I still strongly consider myself blessed. For reasons that from hindsight I can tell I’d be revealing soon enough. 

 ...

I hope not. I hope not.

2013 --In a nutshell.

I wanted my New Year’s post to be special. As special as 2013 was. But unfortunately, the one that I am about throw out on here is not as I wanted it to be since it is a quick thirty minutes work. Meaningful nonetheless! I managed to sneak out of yet another year, bidding adieu to 2013 forever. It's a strange feeling, I am excited and dejected at the same time and it is very difficult to understand how is that even possible.

I am not going to use clichés such as ‘eventful’ and ‘life changer’, for they wouldn’t do justice to how my year really was. I got to witness and experience the transition of life this year. Some days I thought my life has reached the prime of monotony, but then there were days when I thought my life couldn't be more happening. 2013 was the year full of surprises, with shocks every now and then. I've had some cruel disappointments this year, but I've received pleasant surprises too. I've been betrayed, but I’ve been trusted on too. I've been unfriended for petty reasons, but then I've been loved for my ordinary self too. I've feared away from challenges, but I’ve taken a risk too. Different shades, ying yang. Many things happened, many could not. And many didn’t happen the way I thought, but later I realized it was better that way.

2013 marked the completion of my twentieth year on the face of this earth. I turned twenty. I wasn't yet over the shock of turning nineteen. TWENTY? I always thought twenty was big. Like, BIG. A few months ago while clearing my closet, I found a number of old journals that I used to keep, one of which had a 'list' of stuff that I wanted to do before I cross my teenage. Here’s a quick list of stuff that I remember as for now:

1. Get myself in a medical college

2. Walk miles in pouring rain

3. Go and walk along the seashore at night

4. Attend a concern

5. Visit and spend hours alone in a library

6. Travel alone in a public bus

7. Get my hair dyed

8. Sing; despite having a pathetic vocal cord

9. Write something meaningful

10. Learn baking

11. Move to live with my grandmother

12. Find out about who my real parents were (always thought I am an adopted child)

13. Get rid of my brothers (they used to be the most painful creatures back then. Still are)

14. Wear a Saari

^^^^^DON'T judge me.

When I was twelve, I thought I’d know everything when I’d turn twenty. I'd be an efficient worker, pro at about everything and most probably be married by then. Twenty was this big for me. But I feel no different. I still feel like I’m twelve. As lazy, as senseless and as typical as I ever was. I still find bliss in staying ignorant from things that I know are sure to cause me pain. Nothing has changed much, but then again, quite a lot has changed. I am not as expressive as I used to be. I’ve learnt to hold back how I feel. I am very careful now about opening up to people. My whys have been replaced now accompanied with a few what ifs this time. Many people I thought would come along with me till here, drifted away; many others have come close. People I thought would never let me down, eventually did. People I never imagined would ever cross my way are now a major part of my life. Certain things I was sure would never happen to me, actually really happened. Certain things I intentionally avoided from knowing, in due course came into my knowledge. And my reaction to each was surprising, even for myself. I am essentially submissive by nature, everyone knows that. But I've been calm and understanding about certain things that came my way this year to change the course of my life. Somebody this year told me, "when life unfolds something very good to us, almost as if it is too good to be true, we tend to overlook it JUST because it came our way too easy. Let’s not be ungrateful to life for sometimes being easy on us." Sometimes, a few words from someone can make you rethink the entire course you had sketched for yourself which, initially, had no space for chances. Valuing what you've been offered, perhaps this is what turning twenty is about...

This year also brought an end to my 2nd year of honors in the University of Karachi. Which leaves me with just one more year in hand and I’d be done with my graduation. I don't even want to go there. Not yet. The thought of it gives me a sinking feeling… Unbelievable how just a year ago I was ready to give up and trade off everything just to get away from here. Now, it feels insane. Two years behind the line, the picture I had in mind of today was not as such. I treated university very differently, and so in return, I expected it to treat me differently too. When I joined in here, I thought I’d have a group of super-girly friends, who would admire hot pink and so I’d have to admire hot pink too. Who would share everything with me and we would party all the time and other students would envy us. Well. Except for the envy part, nothing really happened. Like I said, a lot of things didn't happen the way I had thought. But I carry no bag of regret, just a few pebbles of mistakes that somehow shaped me for good. Where a lot of things didn't happen, nevertheless, a lot many things did. I managed to gather a bunch of awesome people who're always there to pick me up when I fall, making my life so much easier.

In other news, I started praying. Out of guilt of being the most ungrateful of God’s creatures. But more importantly, out of love for Hussain (a.s). I started praying regularly from the August of this year, because I needed light which would guide me home, and that I was granted. I learnt this year how greatly blessed I am. I learnt, that an earnest prayer never goes unanswered.

This year, I also dared to pluck out the unnecessary parasitic weeds out of my life and let the useful herbs flourish. 2013 strengthened my belief in destiny and fate. I most probably would’ve been in some random university majoring in something that barely interested me had I not accepted things as they were. It’s all clear now. There was a reason why I got late for applying in Iqra and Szabist. There was a reason why I suddenly thought of writing a letter. There was a reason why the signals all directed me here. Because this is where I was meant to be. Over the course, I jumbled up my pieces. It is all sorted now. Along with bad experiences, 2013 brought me good luck. Along with gloominess, it brought me motivation. Along with disappointments and rude revelations, this year brought me love and good friends. And above all, it brought me hope. As clichéd as this might sound, end of the year is always the most ideal time for reflection. I am still having difficulty figuring how is it that time slipped out of my hand and despite everything, I did absolutely nothing. I am not going to rant about that though. I’d rather stop now. This post is longggggg already. I like writing long posts. Just as I like typing (and reading) long texts. It makes me happy. I can see a reflection of myself in the face of those immortal words.

So. Tew Thouzaand Fortewn. Can’t even pronounce it properly. Two Thousand Fourteen. Really? I never thought life after 2012 –not because I believed in the Mayans –but because… I don’t know? Perhaps that was why I couldn’t clearly register 2013 either. And just when I was beginning to, it is gone. Too soon. 2013 brought me a bunch of valuable possessions, few of which are absolutely irreplaceable. I managed to squeeze out a number of pleasant memories and a handful of genuine people. I’d like to start my New Year holding on to these two. :)

October, Anjali Sharma, and Limo Paani

You know how messy it gets coming to the end of the year? When the semester is at its toughest and you seem to have ran out of almost everything –coins, paper pins, ink… Stamina –And seem to have dropped almost everything; pens, books, papers.. Hopes. When you give up drafting those flop study-time tables which by coming to the end you learn are of no use. When the schedule is so tightly packed, you absolutely fail to make out time for ‘people’ around and across; and they complain. When your thoughts are all jumbled up, pace irregular, and time too limited. When you have just SO many things to do, that you end up doing absolutely nothing. Yeah, THAT. 

Two more months, and yet another year... Gone.

It is once again that time of the year, when I find myself standing amidst the unknown fields of nowhere. I have a thick pile of reading to do, a whole stack of papers to fill and a heap of writing assignments to work at. And along with that, I need to take care of my hair (which is falling out like crazy) –please, it’s a serious matter. And of my skin (which has quite badly darkened due to sun exposure) –I am not a beauty conscious or a fitness freak, but hey, it hurts! And of my diet and health (which is declining rapidly). And of my social life (which has recently passed away) –a moment of silence please, at its sad demise. Thank you.

October has begun; the sun has however not yet ceased to torture us. The thin cotton-ish clouds scarcely ever show up, and, even when they do, they are of no help in blocking the brutal sun rays. The deepest, most desired wish that I am yearning for (after a series of other most desired wishes), is of rain. I earnestly wish to wake up to a heavy downpour, and , like always in times like these, get drenched to the bones and twirl and whirl in the swishing cool water like Anjali Sharma… Running free of all the shackles and ties and boundaries, leaving behind all that burdens a soul so fragile; but, sigh, it wouldn’t happen, because of a great number of reasons.

Reason#1:  I am (sadly) not Anjali Sharma.
Reason#2: It doesn’t rain in Octobers in Karachi. Or in Octobers. Or in Karachi.

Yes, there are only two, but they are big enough.

The purpose of this post is however not to record my rants and ramblings.

You know how sometimes a little moment of joy, a tiny adventure, a new experience, a spark and a genuine smile can practically make your day? Yes.  Hence, the motivation to write this post.

Walking from our department all the way to the university gate, that too in this heat and that too at this rate of talking, our throats had practically dried out. The water cooler at the bank had karwa paani, of which, by the way, I had taken a huge sip in sheer haste; later I spat it out. Nauseating. LITERALLY. Blekh (I hope it wasn’t cancerous. I am obsessed with cancer these days. Not that I’d die. Because, oh well, a couple of days ago a friend saw me in her dream where I died, which according to the interpretation implies that my age has increased. Pfffft).

Anyways. Back to the topic.

To help quench our thirst, a friend very confidently, with that follow-me-l-know-where-heaven-is attitude walked us out of the university gate and introduced us to a kind, and indeed a very noble gentleman.

The Limo Paani Waala.

A wooden pushcart (quite like that of street vendors, in a poorer condition though) draped with green plastic sheet, having small greenish-yellow lemons arranged at the top of medium sized kachay drinking glasses that were lined at one side, a slab of thick ice at the other and the noble gentleman at the far end dressed in a faded brown cotton shalwar kameez, holding a citrus squeezer in his hand, awaited us; accompanied by a few flies, under the neem tree that had little birdies resting at its tiny branches. Unhygienic? I don’t think so.

Unfortunately, couldn't click the picture of the real limo-paani walay bhai.

As mentioned quite many times, I am not particular about things. If there is something that I like, I like it and I’ll have it. No questions asked and no unnecessary concerns. It is always fun to try up new things; the weirder, the better.

--Yaar tum yeh piyo, bohot mazay ka hota hai.

-Bhaiya, kitnay ka glass hai?

-10 rupay. 

Affordable. Might as well take another glass.

-Bhai mujhay thaili mei dijiyega.

--Mujhay glass mei.

---Mujhay bhe glass mei!

--Yaar, tum yeh piyogi nah, tum roz aogi peenay. Itnaa achha hota hai!

-Behen,who dega tou piyungi nah?

--Haan piyo, bohot achha hota hai.

---Teeesri dafa bol rahi ho yeh baat tum! In bhai ne publicity karnay ka commission diya hai kyaa?

--Tum piyo tou saheeh!

-SHUT UP!

(She intentionally does this, just so to annoy us).

We sat at the footpath under the shade of the same neem tree with limo paani ke kachay glass and (in my case) limo paani ki thaili. Qingqi rickshaws, public buses, cars, bikes, carts, pedestrians, all went by eyeing us for a second or two, and then moving on carelessly. In this heat and in this rush, nobody cares what people are up to, as long as they’re minding their own businesses.

The chilled, energizing limo paani went tickling down our dry throats, giving start to a very random conversation.
(The conversation has been cut short and details omitted, because; #1: they are embarrassing. #2: they require a long contextual background. And #3: they wouldn't make sense). 

-I wonder where we’d be five years from now.

--Khairiat hai?

-Shushh!

---Yeah, I wonder the same…

--You have lost all the right to express uncertainty, miss engaged! We all know you would be married, and most probably a mother to a couple of troublesome kids!

---I am so going to miss this! University is fun, don’t you think?

-It definitely is. Gets quite tiring though, but I like it here.

---Would you remember me after like, 10 years from now?

-That would depend.

---Why, whut?

-Yeah… I think I have brain cancer. My brain cells are dying, I think I have Alzheimer’s…  I hardly remember stuff!

(All three of them): Oh shut up you!

---The other day you had stomach cancer!

--Yeah, and day before you had skin cancer!

-LOLLLL! Of course I would remember you. I have had the best time of my life with you guys.. Umm.. well… Skipping the early few months..Yeah, close enough to best.

-We’ve done some crazy, hilarious stuff together! Remember walking barefoot to the gate in heavy downpour?

--LOL! One of the things I had alwayyyys wanted to do!

-And that song? Mai Tharki Hun?
--Sharminda nah karo!

*fits of laughter*

--And Teri Yaadein?

*Another fit of laughter*

--Remember Sir Irfan’s comment? “Tum fauth tou nahe honay waaleen?”

-OHMYGOD! It was so embarrassing!

--You have LOST written all over your face!

-WHATEVER!

---Remember how bizarre things were exactly a year ago?

-Yeah.. I was ready to give up everything to run away from here.

--And from us.

-And from you guys, yes…

---I am glad everything’s settled.

-So am I.

--So am I!

---So, where were we?

-Here.

--Here.

-Mera limo paani khatam –

---Shush! I meant, let’s get back to the topic we were at.

--You want us to get back to your shaadi ka topic, right? Huh. Self-obsessed.

---NO! I want us to discuss (pointing) ‘her’ shaadi ka topic –

-OHMYGOD! Guess what?! ‘Somebody’ returned from the coma…

--Who…?

-GUESS!

--POKE?

-YESSSS!

*a monstrous fit of laughter*

--LOL!! What timing! Why don't normal things happen to you?

-I know, right?

--Pehlay nahe hosh aasakta thaa?!

---LOL! Tch tch tch, wait till I tell ‘people’ about this.

-Who people?

--AH! I KNOW WHO SHE’S TALKING ABOUT!

-WHO?! Oh, wait…–

---Luc –

-Shushhh!

--No no, complete your sentence–

- –SHUSHHH! I’ll throw this limo paani at you!

And with that, we went about sharing another whole lot of crazy stuff and some super-personal jokes, and laughing like retarded seals at some insanely unfunny things. We tend to laugh at the most silly things, because that is what you do, no? Being the passengers of the same boat, saving each other from drowning; and making the most out of little moments; because it is these little moments that matter the most.

Covering the long distance in a cheerful ride back home, a sudden realization that had always been there but too shy to ever show up, finally revealed itself; we, as people, are not free. This way or the other, we are bound by certain sets of values and bind by certain kinds of roots. Roots, that prevent us from crossing the lines, keep us on track and move us all in a circle that we're all connected with.
Hence, in situations like these, when imagining yourself to be Rahul Raichand's free spirited Anjali Sharma is not an option; a little gossip, a lot of laughs and a glass of limo paani is ALL what you need to get back working again.