2013 --In a nutshell.

I wanted my New Year’s post to be special. As special as 2013 was. But unfortunately, the one that I am about throw out on here is not as I wanted it to be since it is a quick thirty minutes work. Meaningful nonetheless! I managed to sneak out of yet another year, bidding adieu to 2013 forever. It's a strange feeling, I am excited and dejected at the same time and it is very difficult to understand how is that even possible.

I am not going to use clichés such as ‘eventful’ and ‘life changer’, for they wouldn’t do justice to how my year really was. I got to witness and experience the transition of life this year. Some days I thought my life has reached the prime of monotony, but then there were days when I thought my life couldn't be more happening. 2013 was the year full of surprises, with shocks every now and then. I've had some cruel disappointments this year, but I've received pleasant surprises too. I've been betrayed, but I’ve been trusted on too. I've been unfriended for petty reasons, but then I've been loved for my ordinary self too. I've feared away from challenges, but I’ve taken a risk too. Different shades, ying yang. Many things happened, many could not. And many didn’t happen the way I thought, but later I realized it was better that way.

2013 marked the completion of my twentieth year on the face of this earth. I turned twenty. I wasn't yet over the shock of turning nineteen. TWENTY? I always thought twenty was big. Like, BIG. A few months ago while clearing my closet, I found a number of old journals that I used to keep, one of which had a 'list' of stuff that I wanted to do before I cross my teenage. Here’s a quick list of stuff that I remember as for now:

1. Get myself in a medical college

2. Walk miles in pouring rain

3. Go and walk along the seashore at night

4. Attend a concern

5. Visit and spend hours alone in a library

6. Travel alone in a public bus

7. Get my hair dyed

8. Sing; despite having a pathetic vocal cord

9. Write something meaningful

10. Learn baking

11. Move to live with my grandmother

12. Find out about who my real parents were (always thought I am an adopted child)

13. Get rid of my brothers (they used to be the most painful creatures back then. Still are)

14. Wear a Saari

^^^^^DON'T judge me.

When I was twelve, I thought I’d know everything when I’d turn twenty. I'd be an efficient worker, pro at about everything and most probably be married by then. Twenty was this big for me. But I feel no different. I still feel like I’m twelve. As lazy, as senseless and as typical as I ever was. I still find bliss in staying ignorant from things that I know are sure to cause me pain. Nothing has changed much, but then again, quite a lot has changed. I am not as expressive as I used to be. I’ve learnt to hold back how I feel. I am very careful now about opening up to people. My whys have been replaced now accompanied with a few what ifs this time. Many people I thought would come along with me till here, drifted away; many others have come close. People I thought would never let me down, eventually did. People I never imagined would ever cross my way are now a major part of my life. Certain things I was sure would never happen to me, actually really happened. Certain things I intentionally avoided from knowing, in due course came into my knowledge. And my reaction to each was surprising, even for myself. I am essentially submissive by nature, everyone knows that. But I've been calm and understanding about certain things that came my way this year to change the course of my life. Somebody this year told me, "when life unfolds something very good to us, almost as if it is too good to be true, we tend to overlook it JUST because it came our way too easy. Let’s not be ungrateful to life for sometimes being easy on us." Sometimes, a few words from someone can make you rethink the entire course you had sketched for yourself which, initially, had no space for chances. Valuing what you've been offered, perhaps this is what turning twenty is about...

This year also brought an end to my 2nd year of honors in the University of Karachi. Which leaves me with just one more year in hand and I’d be done with my graduation. I don't even want to go there. Not yet. The thought of it gives me a sinking feeling… Unbelievable how just a year ago I was ready to give up and trade off everything just to get away from here. Now, it feels insane. Two years behind the line, the picture I had in mind of today was not as such. I treated university very differently, and so in return, I expected it to treat me differently too. When I joined in here, I thought I’d have a group of super-girly friends, who would admire hot pink and so I’d have to admire hot pink too. Who would share everything with me and we would party all the time and other students would envy us. Well. Except for the envy part, nothing really happened. Like I said, a lot of things didn't happen the way I had thought. But I carry no bag of regret, just a few pebbles of mistakes that somehow shaped me for good. Where a lot of things didn't happen, nevertheless, a lot many things did. I managed to gather a bunch of awesome people who're always there to pick me up when I fall, making my life so much easier.

In other news, I started praying. Out of guilt of being the most ungrateful of God’s creatures. But more importantly, out of love for Hussain (a.s). I started praying regularly from the August of this year, because I needed light which would guide me home, and that I was granted. I learnt this year how greatly blessed I am. I learnt, that an earnest prayer never goes unanswered.

This year, I also dared to pluck out the unnecessary parasitic weeds out of my life and let the useful herbs flourish. 2013 strengthened my belief in destiny and fate. I most probably would’ve been in some random university majoring in something that barely interested me had I not accepted things as they were. It’s all clear now. There was a reason why I got late for applying in Iqra and Szabist. There was a reason why I suddenly thought of writing a letter. There was a reason why the signals all directed me here. Because this is where I was meant to be. Over the course, I jumbled up my pieces. It is all sorted now. Along with bad experiences, 2013 brought me good luck. Along with gloominess, it brought me motivation. Along with disappointments and rude revelations, this year brought me love and good friends. And above all, it brought me hope. As clichéd as this might sound, end of the year is always the most ideal time for reflection. I am still having difficulty figuring how is it that time slipped out of my hand and despite everything, I did absolutely nothing. I am not going to rant about that though. I’d rather stop now. This post is longggggg already. I like writing long posts. Just as I like typing (and reading) long texts. It makes me happy. I can see a reflection of myself in the face of those immortal words.

So. Tew Thouzaand Fortewn. Can’t even pronounce it properly. Two Thousand Fourteen. Really? I never thought life after 2012 –not because I believed in the Mayans –but because… I don’t know? Perhaps that was why I couldn’t clearly register 2013 either. And just when I was beginning to, it is gone. Too soon. 2013 brought me a bunch of valuable possessions, few of which are absolutely irreplaceable. I managed to squeeze out a number of pleasant memories and a handful of genuine people. I’d like to start my New Year holding on to these two. :)

'Phir waqt ka paiyyaa ghoom gaya'

Having been hated and loved, carrying a sack of prayers and wishes, under the umbrella of good hope and celebrated in the orchard of colorful fireworks, down went the sun of 2013. Giving away some compelling stories that will live for long. Taking away my time but leaving behind a handful of precious souvenirs that I’ll treasure forever. Down it went, keeping me wonder where my life is heading. Altering certain of my beliefs and filling me with a number of realizations. Down went the sun of 2013, revealing what was better left unknown. Giving me new why’s and what if’s and answering a few unasked questions.

Behind the mighty mountains, to the bottom of the endless ocean sank the last sun of this year, changing the course of my life and leaving me with words and memories that will never cease to exist.

Adieu, 2013!

Peace!

Exams are over, I survived the disastrous exams of four deathly courses, yeaay! This is just another I-am-so-comfortable-at-home type of post. The changed template design too is in accordance with how I feel. Fresh. It is amazing how dramatically your attitude changes toward things once your situation improves. Just a few days ago, I thought I wouldn't survive to see the end of December seeing how unprepared for exams and how seriously occupied by a situation I was. Now, I have a peaceful, happy feeling.

In fact, I have already planned what I need to do in this semester break. I am going to complete my unfinished novels that keep glaring at me from the shelf. The God of Small Things, Forty Rules of Love, Secrets, The Bride, Blowing It and The Maggot Pie. Quite a diverse collection, nay? I have got two religious books too, Shareekat-ul-Hussain and Chaudaah Sitaaray that I HAVE to read. Also, I had planned to search for different marsiyaah by Mir Babar Ali Anees and Mirza Salaamat Ali Dabeer. The two awesome-est marsiyah-nigaar. Marsiyah is a Persian word. It is basically an elegy composed especially to mourn the brutal massacre of Prophet's family in the burning desert of Karbala (Nineveh, Iraq). I had also planned to learn some of my Nani's special recipes from her during this semester break, but oh the sleep woes! By the time I wake up, she had already cooked her awesomelicious food. Next in line, I have got three incomplete drafts of some vague stories that happened to me; I created a rough sketch of them, and then they just... Vanished. Vanished as fast they came. You must complete them and post them --this is me telling myself.

During exams I get creative thoughts and feel an indescribable urge to write. But once they're over, my mind is as blank as a slate. And this always happens. This reminds me I as well have to complete my research of Bulleh Shah's Sufi poetry, fragments of which I managed to collect during exams. Ohmygawd? I have got so much to do! But I feel as lazy as a sloth ever since I'm done with my exams. I sleep all day long, waste time lying on the couch flipping through TV channels, mess around with my brothers, go over at Nani's to waste some more time, come back home, and eventually fall back to sleep. I am so busy wasting time that I don't even remember taking my meals. I am living on dry fruits and chocolates. But then again, I have a peaceful feeling staying home. Most of the nights I stay up late doing nothing and just letting my mind wander. Sometimes I go out in the open to witness the moonlight falling dramatically at the dewy leaves of slumbered plants in my balcony. Serene, tranquilizing moments. The wintry feeling is still in the air, but it doesn't really feel like it's the mid of December. Winter seems to have stopped paying attention to Karachi. Seriously.

I am trying to bring myself to terms with the fact that I have even less than fifteen days in hand before I tie a final knot to the twentieth chapter of my life. I have been avoiding this question from myself ever since December has begun; where did 2013 go? Where did all my time go?! I had only now started registering 2013, and the time to let it go has already come. The fact that time is whooshing past me sometimes scares me. It is a strange feeling. I am happy and sad at the same time, and I don't know how is this even possible. You know you have an easy cozy feeling, but deep down you're well aware that anxiety is building up about something you can't quite figure. I see this time as a foggy lane. The fog has a numbing affect, but I don't know what the fog has in store for me as I move further. The thicker the fog would get, the difficult it would become for me to see what's ahead, and the fact that I wouldn't be able to see, I am afraid I might randomly stumble over and lose something precious. But then I am also happy, because more than anything, I have a hand to hold which is assuring enough for my soul that I am not lost and I wouldn't be. The feeling is overwhelming. I would like to stay this way. The rest I have left on the Stars to take care of.

For now, my pineapple ice cream is melting and I have to make an immediate decision: whether to watch Friends or complete The Forty Rules of Love?

This. Is. Tough.

Untitled

I know a little bit of a lot many things. I know how to wish upon a star, and how to communicate with the softest cloud up to the seventh heaven. I know how to make silent exchanges with the moon, and how to hold my breath and make the 11:11 wish. I know the leaf wish spell, and I also know the finger twining trick of wish making. The ways of praying. Keeping my beliefs alive. Just in case...

So basically yes, I know several of such sorts of things; I have practiced them and memorized them. So I have a lot to do when the lights are off. And there's just me and the serene stillness of the night.

...And when I am done doing all of it, I am blank. Comfortably numb; numbness, that unknots my stressed veins and sooths my bones. It's the kind of peace that I am not getting these days.

The time tells me its twenty past three, yet I can't sleep. I can hear my name being called by a fragile dream that needs to be saved; and not just that, but something that needs to be searched and found and held safely. Despite the illuminating laptop screen, it’s dark in here; but then, despite the darkness, it’s not dark in here. It’s contradictory. This place is noticeably glowing with dim lavender lights. The little wisps, that are creating vivid trails, and something tells me that I should follow them…

*Putting it less dramatically: I am up at this odd hour because I have got to study. I have been focusing on the text, doing quite well, but then came along this golden butterfly and I got carried away with the gold dust fluttering off its waxy wings.*

.... This is the height of surrealism. I don’t know what this state means, I am clueless of what am I really doing here and I have absolutely no idea when and how everything went this… Haywire. All I know is that I need to gather everything, and write. It has been over two months since I have written anything, and I already feel like I’ve lost the touch. I guess it’s the changing weather. Winter is making itself comfortable; spreading its tentacles that have begin filling the air with nostalgia. And I can wager I am not the only one who feels nostalgic at the end of the year, or who thinks that winters happen to infuse the concentrated feeling of déjàvu! ––––No? Really?! Tsk! Never mind.

Four more days before the commencement of the last month of the year 2013, and with that my fourth semester would officially come to an end. Can you believe it? I still remember my first day at the university. That all-by-myself, ‘grown up’ feeling; which didn’t last long enough. Where did the time go! I don’t know how this works. Time keeps running out of our hands and we fail to do anything about it. There was so much I wanted to do, which for one reason or the other I couldn’t. 2013 feels like a dream, the same fragile dream that I’ve been struggling to keep captive. But like dreams, time as well cannot be kept enslaved. It slips out, do whatever you can.

The only way you can treasure the time is by spending it well. That’s what I’ve learned this year. To pursue a dream you first need to believe that it’s real. Similarly, to hold and preserve time you must make every moment that you spend worthwhile. There were lots of thing that I had planned to do. But well. Lots of things didn’t happen, or turn out the way I had thought. But then again, I somehow managed to squeeze out quite a few precious memories, which are worth it.

When this year had begun, I had nothing to look forward to, just like I had nothing in mind when I began writing this post, except for a handful of beliefs. The ultimate driving force that helped me get through. And speaking of belief, I’d like to mention that the wisps have disappeared. This is one of the things about wisps and auras and dusts, or pixies and elves, or dreams and hopes; you stop believing, they stop appearing.

Perhaps I should switch back to my surrealism, since the post seems to be turning into one of Buddha’s lectures from Vedas.

But I'd rather sleep.

So, now that I’ve filled the blank space with a few disjointed words, I feel a little less dreary. And OH! Speaking of dreariness, I might as well mention about my date that I have tomorrow with Peter Barry. It’s going to be intense, I can tell. The idea of a long walk by the shores of  Beginning Theory feels awful wonderful. We’ll be having Liberal Humanism for lunch and Psychoanalytic Criticism for supper. I am so totally not excited.

p.s: I think I’d most probably be writing after the exams now. A mandatory new-year’s post with a changed layout, of course! If I wouldn’t be too lazy, that is.

October, Anjali Sharma, and Limo Paani

You know how messy it gets coming to the end of the year? When the semester is at its toughest and you seem to have ran out of almost everything –coins, paper pins, ink… Stamina –And seem to have dropped almost everything; pens, books, papers.. Hopes. When you give up drafting those flop study-time tables which by coming to the end you learn are of no use. When the schedule is so tightly packed, you absolutely fail to make out time for ‘people’ around and across; and they complain. When your thoughts are all jumbled up, pace irregular, and time too limited. When you have just SO many things to do, that you end up doing absolutely nothing. Yeah, THAT. 

Two more months, and yet another year... Gone.

It is once again that time of the year, when I find myself standing amidst the unknown fields of nowhere. I have a thick pile of reading to do, a whole stack of papers to fill and a heap of writing assignments to work at. And along with that, I need to take care of my hair (which is falling out like crazy) –please, it’s a serious matter. And of my skin (which has quite badly darkened due to sun exposure) –I am not a beauty conscious or a fitness freak, but hey, it hurts! And of my diet and health (which is declining rapidly). And of my social life (which has recently passed away) –a moment of silence please, at its sad demise. Thank you.

October has begun; the sun has however not yet ceased to torture us. The thin cotton-ish clouds scarcely ever show up, and, even when they do, they are of no help in blocking the brutal sun rays. The deepest, most desired wish that I am yearning for (after a series of other most desired wishes), is of rain. I earnestly wish to wake up to a heavy downpour, and , like always in times like these, get drenched to the bones and twirl and whirl in the swishing cool water like Anjali Sharma… Running free of all the shackles and ties and boundaries, leaving behind all that burdens a soul so fragile; but, sigh, it wouldn’t happen, because of a great number of reasons.

Reason#1:  I am (sadly) not Anjali Sharma.
Reason#2: It doesn’t rain in Octobers in Karachi. Or in Octobers. Or in Karachi.

Yes, there are only two, but they are big enough.

The purpose of this post is however not to record my rants and ramblings.

You know how sometimes a little moment of joy, a tiny adventure, a new experience, a spark and a genuine smile can practically make your day? Yes.  Hence, the motivation to write this post.

Walking from our department all the way to the university gate, that too in this heat and that too at this rate of talking, our throats had practically dried out. The water cooler at the bank had karwa paani, of which, by the way, I had taken a huge sip in sheer haste; later I spat it out. Nauseating. LITERALLY. Blekh (I hope it wasn’t cancerous. I am obsessed with cancer these days. Not that I’d die. Because, oh well, a couple of days ago a friend saw me in her dream where I died, which according to the interpretation implies that my age has increased. Pfffft).

Anyways. Back to the topic.

To help quench our thirst, a friend very confidently, with that follow-me-l-know-where-heaven-is attitude walked us out of the university gate and introduced us to a kind, and indeed a very noble gentleman.

The Limo Paani Waala.

A wooden pushcart (quite like that of street vendors, in a poorer condition though) draped with green plastic sheet, having small greenish-yellow lemons arranged at the top of medium sized kachay drinking glasses that were lined at one side, a slab of thick ice at the other and the noble gentleman at the far end dressed in a faded brown cotton shalwar kameez, holding a citrus squeezer in his hand, awaited us; accompanied by a few flies, under the neem tree that had little birdies resting at its tiny branches. Unhygienic? I don’t think so.

Unfortunately, couldn't click the picture of the real limo-paani walay bhai.

As mentioned quite many times, I am not particular about things. If there is something that I like, I like it and I’ll have it. No questions asked and no unnecessary concerns. It is always fun to try up new things; the weirder, the better.

--Yaar tum yeh piyo, bohot mazay ka hota hai.

-Bhaiya, kitnay ka glass hai?

-10 rupay. 

Affordable. Might as well take another glass.

-Bhai mujhay thaili mei dijiyega.

--Mujhay glass mei.

---Mujhay bhe glass mei!

--Yaar, tum yeh piyogi nah, tum roz aogi peenay. Itnaa achha hota hai!

-Behen,who dega tou piyungi nah?

--Haan piyo, bohot achha hota hai.

---Teeesri dafa bol rahi ho yeh baat tum! In bhai ne publicity karnay ka commission diya hai kyaa?

--Tum piyo tou saheeh!

-SHUT UP!

(She intentionally does this, just so to annoy us).

We sat at the footpath under the shade of the same neem tree with limo paani ke kachay glass and (in my case) limo paani ki thaili. Qingqi rickshaws, public buses, cars, bikes, carts, pedestrians, all went by eyeing us for a second or two, and then moving on carelessly. In this heat and in this rush, nobody cares what people are up to, as long as they’re minding their own businesses.

The chilled, energizing limo paani went tickling down our dry throats, giving start to a very random conversation.
(The conversation has been cut short and details omitted, because; #1: they are embarrassing. #2: they require a long contextual background. And #3: they wouldn't make sense). 

-I wonder where we’d be five years from now.

--Khairiat hai?

-Shushh!

---Yeah, I wonder the same…

--You have lost all the right to express uncertainty, miss engaged! We all know you would be married, and most probably a mother to a couple of troublesome kids!

---I am so going to miss this! University is fun, don’t you think?

-It definitely is. Gets quite tiring though, but I like it here.

---Would you remember me after like, 10 years from now?

-That would depend.

---Why, whut?

-Yeah… I think I have brain cancer. My brain cells are dying, I think I have Alzheimer’s…  I hardly remember stuff!

(All three of them): Oh shut up you!

---The other day you had stomach cancer!

--Yeah, and day before you had skin cancer!

-LOLLLL! Of course I would remember you. I have had the best time of my life with you guys.. Umm.. well… Skipping the early few months..Yeah, close enough to best.

-We’ve done some crazy, hilarious stuff together! Remember walking barefoot to the gate in heavy downpour?

--LOL! One of the things I had alwayyyys wanted to do!

-And that song? Mai Tharki Hun?
--Sharminda nah karo!

*fits of laughter*

--And Teri Yaadein?

*Another fit of laughter*

--Remember Sir Irfan’s comment? “Tum fauth tou nahe honay waaleen?”

-OHMYGOD! It was so embarrassing!

--You have LOST written all over your face!

-WHATEVER!

---Remember how bizarre things were exactly a year ago?

-Yeah.. I was ready to give up everything to run away from here.

--And from us.

-And from you guys, yes…

---I am glad everything’s settled.

-So am I.

--So am I!

---So, where were we?

-Here.

--Here.

-Mera limo paani khatam –

---Shush! I meant, let’s get back to the topic we were at.

--You want us to get back to your shaadi ka topic, right? Huh. Self-obsessed.

---NO! I want us to discuss (pointing) ‘her’ shaadi ka topic –

-OHMYGOD! Guess what?! ‘Somebody’ returned from the coma…

--Who…?

-GUESS!

--POKE?

-YESSSS!

*a monstrous fit of laughter*

--LOL!! What timing! Why don't normal things happen to you?

-I know, right?

--Pehlay nahe hosh aasakta thaa?!

---LOL! Tch tch tch, wait till I tell ‘people’ about this.

-Who people?

--AH! I KNOW WHO SHE’S TALKING ABOUT!

-WHO?! Oh, wait…–

---Luc –

-Shushhh!

--No no, complete your sentence–

- –SHUSHHH! I’ll throw this limo paani at you!

And with that, we went about sharing another whole lot of crazy stuff and some super-personal jokes, and laughing like retarded seals at some insanely unfunny things. We tend to laugh at the most silly things, because that is what you do, no? Being the passengers of the same boat, saving each other from drowning; and making the most out of little moments; because it is these little moments that matter the most.

Covering the long distance in a cheerful ride back home, a sudden realization that had always been there but too shy to ever show up, finally revealed itself; we, as people, are not free. This way or the other, we are bound by certain sets of values and bind by certain kinds of roots. Roots, that prevent us from crossing the lines, keep us on track and move us all in a circle that we're all connected with.
Hence, in situations like these, when imagining yourself to be Rahul Raichand's free spirited Anjali Sharma is not an option; a little gossip, a lot of laughs and a glass of limo paani is ALL what you need to get back working again.