d you ever wanted something so badly that you were afraid of
actually having it? Had ever you’ve been in a vicious circle that all you could think
of doing for escape was to hold your breath and shut your eyes tight? And count
to ten… Maybe suddenly your eyes will pop open and it would turn out all to be
a bad dream?
Had you ever trusted in people so blindly, so religiously, that it
became impossible to believe they’ve lied to you? Had you ever regarded certain things absolutely impossible to ever
happen to you? Had you ever avoided saying it out loud to yourself, fearful
that it might sweep you off your feet and you'd break into tiny, irreparable pieces? Had you ever, in life, attended a
reality in episodes? Only so it will hurt just a little less…
Most nights I come here, trying to bring together pieces of
my crumbled world. Most nights I go out in the open and stare blankly up at the
sky; searching for the only thing that I’ve always been afraid to lose. The
soft light of moon keeps trying to pass through the frame of thin clouds,
but seldom does it succeed in reaching down at me. Why can I no longer see?
I cannot help but muse on how in a matter of
few odd days everything changed ‘cause of reasons untold. It’s been over a
month now since I’ve last had a dream; which is very unusual for me. –Maybe because I no longer get to have a continuous sleep. My unconscious keeps pushing me off at intervals, I keep
waking up in the middle of the night as if I’m waiting for something... I am
still engaged in untying an endless knot, because sure enough, my wait isn’t
over yet. Though I’ve decided (and very much hoping) not to wreak a mess any
more. I’ve done enough damage to people around me, and I cannot bear to take on
any further guilt. Falling terribly sick, almost ruining a family wedding,
having my friends worried to the core and agonizing my family –I don’t think I could’ve
hurt as many people in several ways all at once any more, even if I’d tried. It
is a complex feeling, when people you’ve hurt the most so effortlessly forgive
you and attempt to reach back JUST because they love you. Is it not insane, how
love can give someone the power to break you?
Over the course, something’s sunk so low inside me, I can’t
find it anymore. I wake to a familiar feeling of pain and with the same feeling
I return back to sleep. From a hearty laughter I abruptly switch to sobbing without even realizing. I drift into another realm of universe ruminating
over little things that were so much more than just words and actions for me. There’s
perhaps nothing more dangerous than an unspoken emotion. There was so much I
wished to say, so much I couldn’t. I kept waiting for the right time, but it
never came. And I’m yet to completely register that it’s likely to never come.—Initially, none of it made sense. I kept
waiting hopelessly –for just one reason –just an answer –just a word! But, nothing.
I kept digging to find out what went wrong, where did I go wrong? And again, nothing. I kept going back to make sense how one day my world was perfect and the other day suddenly it was flipped upside down, and to trace an answer to how’s and why's; but all that followed was a heart wrenching silence. —Now, the space has shrunk so small as to accommodate the arrival of any reason, any word. Now it wouldn't change anything; it will rather, in fact, just add more to an
ache that never leaves me. The wait has been internalized and the pain's been
here long enough, I’ve become immune to it. It’s devastating once you realize you have been wronged, that too by the one you least expected. It can tear you apart and you cannot even wince. You can only wait. And so I am. The how’s
and why’s keep lingering around me –I deliberately overlook them. Certain
associations put me in a fast train back few months, tears well up–I force them
back to where they come from. And that is when it returns, hurting a bit more
than usual, giving rise to an unidentified twinge somewhere in my chest which
aches bitterly; but slowly, gradually, disappears back into the emptiness…
As unreal this particular instance feels, the pain
is just as real. I hold my breath in a hope that maybe, just
maybe, this is all a part of some bad dream that I’m into. But I can hold my
breath for only so long; and when I ultimately sigh out, I find myself just
where I was left. For how long will I go on with this disoriented mental state,
I cannot quite tell. But it’s better that way. I know I cannot completely
escape, and eventually I will have to come back to it. And so I will. But now
isn’t the right time. Maybe after the semester. Maybe after I’ve compensated
for the damage I’ve caused to people around me. Maybe after I’ve gathered
enough strength to embrace the void and face whole of it directly. Maybe after I am sure. Maybe then.
