A Memory From Chandni Chowk

It has been centuries since I've written something. There’s so much that’s been happening lately; oh well, the whole 2012 passed away with me saying the same damn thing. Where did it go? I wonder.

A midst the havoc, I stand. I stand, a midst the havoc; in the middle of nowhere. Something left behind, something coming ahead. Nothing is enough. Knowing isn't enough, not knowing isn't OK, understanding isn't easy, explaining isn't possible. I’m losing the strings. Yes. Jee haan.

There's a tough schedule that I'm bound in. Exams coming up, assignments to complete, notes to prepare, friends to meet, relatives to pretend with, relationships to manage; and I, am nowhere.

And in this rush with thoughts totally scattered, life bizarre, under the constant cover of uncertainty, when everything has just blurred; I've come to a halt, held my breath, closed my eyes and  assume myself to be the Anjali Sharma of Rahul Raichand running down the street of Chandni Chowk in pouring rain. I’m once again the crazy ten year old obsessed with Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Free from all the shackles, going where the heart takes.

Amen to the strong childhood memories which somehow gives me strength and I manage to maintain the track, and go on in one piece.

High time that I start studying and prepare for my semester terminals.

Buona Fortuna.

Zindagi Megzara --Life Goes On

A five minute production.

Only from the heart could you touch the sky. –Rumi.

All those years when I was growing up, I knew a change is approaching; I knew I’d change. I was aware that time is flying by and sooner or later, I’d lose people I love. I knew something would happen, something which I guarantee can never catch me, eventually will. I was aware that something’s missing; something I don’t know, but something for sure. I knew as further I’d go, everything meaningful will lose all the essence it ever had. I knew the strings would change color, time would slip off, shackles would tighten and burden would get heavier. The wheel would however continue to spin, life would continue to move and the thoughts would continue to go round in circles, in a hoop; never ending.
But with every passing year, the desire to touch the sky and fly high grew even intense. Despite the chains I'm bound with, the wish to grab the shining stars didn't grow light, didn't fade. I may be 19, but I still dream to lay there at the cool grass, look up at the evening sky crowded with floating lights and marvel at the sensation of freedom they provide. I still wish to glide away to Never Land with these lanterns; A land where all the shackles would loosen and I'd never grow up.

Aimless these lanterns fly high; wish I were they, I’d pass this all by, and touch the sky.

Somebody I Am.

Rain.

Nights.

Books.

Coke.

Greenery.

Memories.

Coffee.

Long Texts.

Romance.

Construction Sites.

Fantasies.

Caterpillars.

Long Walks.

Shadows.
Cigarette Smoke. 

Wind.

Tea.

Writing.

Imagination.

Car Headlights.

Sky.

Clouds.

Bubbles.

Boats.

Farms.

Laughter.

Colors.

Winter.

Thinking.

Hyper.
Windows.

Buildings.
Cricket.

Wide Roads.

Fountains.

Music.

Intense Thoughts.

Lady Birds.

Confusions.

Doubts.

Water Falls.

Stand Out.

Disney Movies.

Weird.

Excited.

Nail Paints.

Vulnerable.

Brown Lights.

Turtles.

Chandeliers.

Pillows.

Pendants.

Sign Boards.

Chocolate Chips.

Candles.

Sea.

Dry Leaves.

Moon.

Socks.

Fog.

Ducks.

Tears.

Umbrellas.

Blankets.

Busy Streets.

Rocks.

Benches.

Traffic Jams.

Libraries.

Emotional Disaster.

Curtains.

Checker Pajamas.

Old Dresses.

Damp Tangled Hair.

Sweaters.

Faces.

Fishes.

Dreams.

Submissive.

Crayons.

Unusual Events.

Companions.

Circle

Don't hate this five minutes work. Please.

I've been struggling so hard to not let go of my sanity and prevent my mind from wandering off, but in vain do I try for this is the time when all the hurdles disappear and my psyche goes on roaming in the planes of impossibilities and pure fantasies. This is the time when all the shackles loosen, all the burdens take a break; when there’s no jury of critics to force condemnation at me for thinking out of the box, or denounce my preferences. It’s finally night time --and this explains the energy that has forced me out of the bed and compelled me to write.

Every now and then, I receive a sharp pang of certain realizations, of certain bitter facts rather, which leaves me feeling helpless and powerless against the hoop of time and space that I’m bound in. –That we all are bound in.

With every step that I cover, there’s a detail being missed, and a detail being noticed at the same time. With every moment that I cross, there’s a memory from the past getting blur. Blurrier. Just now, while going through the stack of memories that I’ve collected in the journey of the previous 18 years and this distinct 1 year, a realization that a change has approached and a memory is being erased has filled me in.

Had I known any possible way of holding on to the memoirs that I've gathered all this way, I’d have done it straight away, preventing them from slipping off; but they are. They are slipping off… Like sand from my hand; slowly, gradually.

And as I dwell upon the disappearing remains of my past, I naturally start thinking about how I was or how will I be after a few years from now? About how I've become, or if I've become anything so far? I wonder if there's something that I've earned all this way? Or found somebody for life? If I could really take a refuge from here, onto the planet of caprice? If I could really un-know certain things and live back in oblivion, happy again? All those fantasies and yearnings that have occupied me since quite a while now come before me and I notice, how every wish is connected with another; compelling me to move in a circle, in an ellipse. I feel being driven by a one-way wheel, that prohibits me from going back.

Bizarre

....Because I was caught talking to myself aloud, like a complete retard...

If there was a trend in Pakistan of seeing a psychiatrist, my parents wouldn't have wasted time in giving a second thought to the idea! They strongly believe that I’m in severe need of counseling; 5 sittings, minimum.

---And I wouldn't say no if they really take me. Like seriously.

Things are bizarre. -Again; And I'm a total fool. ---I guess we all are; at some time in our life, we all are.

Tonight.

In the middle of the night, I lay restless in my bed. What is this feeling? Have I not already buried the previous enigmas?! Have I not already decided to overlook everything? I sure have. But the previous ones are replaced by new ones. I can just not make out.

I've left the bed and I stand by my window now. The sky is clear, with soft clouds like rusty patches over a navy blue silk; very few stars could I see shining. The wind is chilly and it somehow feels uncomfortable, like I don't belong here. There’s a train of thoughts running in my mind. Each thought, vague and incomprehensible..

I look up at the sky, tracing with my eyes, the patterns the clouds make. It has always been my habit to imagine shapes and figures seeing the floating clouds…

There are some questions; some unknown questions and some uncertainty. I feel tired… And clueless.. And drained.. I need to look around and gather every piece. Everything makes perfect sense, but at the same time nothing seems to make sense at all. Maybe these stars would tell me something? Or the floating clouds might take me somewhere better? We all seek for an escape, don’t we?

The moonlight is falling on the floor coming down from the sky through this window… I have this urge to sit on this floor and absorb this cool light, and so I have settled down on this floor with my knees up to my chest, my arms locked around. I have my head up towards the sky.. Since my childhood, sky has never failed to fascinate me. Amazing how the colors change! The sun sets down making the sky go orange. Orange gradually turning to pink, pink slowly changing to purple, purple stirring to ink blue, ink blue ultimately settling to cobalt and cobalt finally turning into a canopy of saturated black sheet stretched to infinity with countless twinkling stars stitched over it.

Maybe I would just fly up there.. And touch the glowing stars, and see the ripples forming around them... Maybe I would just fly up there and sit at the moon.. Look down at the world… See the vast lanes spread out.. A train resting at its platform like a centipede in hibernation.. See the ocean waving up at me in envy for I could touch the moon which the sea desire to.. I see a time line; the vivid past, the fresh present, the bright yet hazy future...

The wind has become serene now, softly blowing my hair strands.. Soothing. It’s soothing I tell you. I cannot help but inhale deep and sigh at the radiating beauty of the night sky. Wonder if there’s somebody at any part of this world doing the same thing as I am right now? Somebody having this same feeling as I am having right now? Somebody fighting with doubts? Somebody walking uncertainly on a foggy road, unaware what’s ahead? Somebody? Somebody worrying of loosing what they hold? Somebody thinking why a person walked in and changed everything? And why a person walked away and took everything along?

Somebody thinking about how life changes and we don’t even realize? Somebody stuck in deciding between a truth and a lie when both seem equally true? Somebody having these same thoughts? –if yes, then you should know you’re not alone. Under this same sky, under this same moon light, sharing the same air; its you and its I, and we're thinking alike.

I Have A Wish. :)

"Because there's no wrong in wishing upon a star."

Hibernation Ends

Creating random errors was common now. Forgetting things, literally not seeing the things in front, lack of attention, absent mind, lethargy, fever, and mind occupied of something unknown; couldn’t be more of a mess! Needed a serious break. A long period of hibernation.

A month over; semester break at its end. I. did. Nothing. Nothing at all. All those plans to write, paint, draw, click, learn to cook and so much more didn’t happen. I did nothing except for sleeping and watching tv. But to tell the truth, I don’t regret it, because somewhere, I really needed that. Sleep and distraction; so much of sleep and so much of distraction to fix myself...

Have you ever tried fixing yourself? Try some time. It isn’t easy. Because even when you’re in hibernation, they crawl down to you and unintentionally gives a jerk to the tower of efforts you’ve lain down, making it collapse. You are thus back from where you started with nothing but a wreckage of efforts.

I watched tv all the time. Comedy shows, favorite childhood movies, favorite Disney cartoons; drowned myself in total fantasies and past memories. Avoided every possible medium which would make me see, and so I stopped using social websites from computer. A total cut off with everyone. No meeting ups. No texts. No calls. Sometimes you need it, right?

Made me angry at times, what a terrible shake! Wasn’t this. But everything seems worth enduring for what I've received now. Surprising you might find, all of these things helped. I got better. No more frequent fevers. No more lack of hunger. No more absent-minded attitude. So you see, what bad they say about closing your eyes isn’t much true. I closed my eyes, and I got better. Forgot to shut my ears, for which received a jerk to the walls I made around; I managed to overcome the quake anyhow, and got better.

Image Source: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/ibnasad/popular-interesting/

Day after tomorrow marks the beginning of another new race. Leaving behind everything, I'm now looking forward to a normal and a better start. Good luck. =)

Silence

-Have you ever noticed, that the curves of rainbow are similar to the curves on forehead when we frown?
-Wow! I never did! I rather notice and marvels at the striking colors!
-Hmm.. Thats smart of you, to not notice the imperfection.
-Or say, thats rather too dumb of me..

*Silence*

The Unseen Didn't Miss It

It was an overcast day at university; I was walking down the block towards the parking. Too occupied, wandering into the shell of my own with an internal debate going on about the various sorts of battles I am into. Maybe I’m not happy. Dizziness would seldom leave me these days, and it was just back! Despair started to settle down.

This didn’t happen! No no no! This didn’t happen! Even when you’ve learned to have it right, to move on, to look over –why would you feel this way now? Are you not at the extreme of inconsistency?! Think again. Think again. This can’t be. Enough weird happenings! It’s not in my hands! It’s absolutely not! Oh, so you won.

I was finally numb, my legs refused to take me any further, I thought I'd collapse. There was nobody around and I was thankful. I didn't want any stranger to come and ask me what's wrong, didn't want to start crying and look like a total fool in front somebody and then spend rest of my university years hiding from that person. The road was littered with dead leaves and feathers and dispersed pollens. If this was an ordinary situation and I were in my normal senses, I would've started designing patterns with those. But it wasn't an ordinary situation and my senses were stiff. To avoid falling down, I finally sat at the footpath facing the road, with my right hand against my chest (cause when anything would go wrong, an unidentified feeling would boil up into my chest, my heart would start to sink and instinctively my hand would reach up there to calm it). My hand was shaking, and it was then when I realized I haven't eaten anything since almost two days now. Sigh. I felt unusually weak. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally weak. Pathetically weak. I was dragged into another twister of thoughts. What have I become? A total emotional disaster! I sat there with my head resting at my knees; my right hand never moving from my chest. My breathing was still shallow. How long will all this go on? How am I ever going to be the way I was? Wish there was an escape... Life is weird. Life is unfair. I hate this.

I was running lethargically in vague circles in my mind, complaining and sulking. My traitor tears didn't miss a chance to betray me like everybody, they came out rolling. My knees were soon wet with my tears.
I felt a sudden change in the wind. It was soft and cool now. I looked up and saw that the clouds were ready to pour down. The breeze became a bit fierce, making the pollens on the road twirl. And soon enough, there was a number of pollen twisters twirling and whirling on the road. My thoughts were gone, I was now staring absently at the twirling pollens and dead leaves. Round and round they went, weightless and free. I started twirling and whirling with them in my imagination. It started to drizzle. Soft and buoyant drops, each making me feel a little more alive. Each slowly dodging away the dizziness. I wish it may start raining hard. I wish it may start raining heavy. The more hard would be the blow of rain, the more alive will I feel, and feeling alive was everything I wished for that instance. I was going round and round in my imagination, moving slowly slowly in the spray of water coming from heaven, the world fading behind, my eyes closed...
Every drop falling on me would generate a whole new image in my mind, I was retaining consciousness. The numbness was leaving, the dizziness was fading and my senses were active now. I was breathing normally now. I opened my eyes, and slowly moved my hand from my chest; yes, its okay now. My watch showed me its 2:30, time I get going for my van. I stood up trusting my legs, and continued walking towards the parking area.

Nature came to gather me up again. I was smiling now, thinking that the Unseen didn't miss it. The curtain of breeze passed over me, whispering gently, 'You could go on like this for few more days..'

Time, When Things Happened

You've been deceived, you've been disappointed. You've been abandoned, you've been ditched. They called you weird, termed you a total left out. Criticized you, blamed you for starting the silence, refused to understand your condition. Didn't listen to you, been biased. Left you under the rubble of a mess they dragged you in, and walked off blameless. You've had months of sheer worry, constant drained feeling, mind totally occupied, unidentified feelings boiling in your chest, questions taking birth and most of all, the anxiety for what-will-happen. --But you know you've always had this tendency to actually enjoy every moment filled with every sort of emotion whether it be joy, anger, despair, anxiety or whatsoever. You've always believed in your self-created beliefs, you've always thought things and possibilities which sound odd to who ever you'll tell; and for these exact reasons, you somehow don't really mind it all. You've forgiven the people, you've started to overlook what they say, you sit and listen but don't speak much. You've made your choice and picked the uncertainty yourself, for yourself. You've gotten immune to whatever is happening; not that you don't still think a lot, not that you still at times fail to believe what you wasn't supposed to know, not that you've gotten over the feeling of uncertainty, but somewhere, you like it. You like this feeling. You know, that whatever happened and is happening, will be worth remembering after a year or two or three. Therefore, you're living it and letting everything happen. Making the wrong choice, playing odd with your tracks, wasting time over thinking too much, enjoying the uncertainty, showing off your feelings--cause you know this is one of the many lanes you're crossing. Sooner or later, this will pass, this will end; and eventually there would come a time when you'd be standing to start a whole new walk on a whole new lane. Would you not then, want to look at the previous journey and sigh with a smile.?

Its May, Again

Its May. My heart is heavy; not with the pain, neither with sorrow. Its an unidentified heaviness.. Or may be I'm familiar with it; its contradictory. So much has changed, or may be nothing has changed.

Its May. The summer clouds are back, fluffy and thick, yet weightless. The wind is warm again, but its pleasant, filling me with nostalgia.

Its May, and its only now, that I don't really mind the sun; for reasons unknowingly known.

The same trees, identical to the images I possess from that time. Its the same journey, or may be its no more..

Like every year, I'm back once again, sitting under the shades of the trunks of the slim trees. All of us. I remember the sun, the blowing of warm pleasant wind, the clouds, the open ground, the rush, us --more clearly than ever at this time of the year. It marks the accuracy. Everything is the same, but everything has changed..

Me, my words, my priorities, my boundaries, my circle and most probably, my lane as well..

The unchanged change is telling me, its May, again.

Untitled

I look around and see different people, having different stories.

Stories happen. Every day comes with a whole new story. Your own story; and the people you see, their story. The more you'll try relating yourself with their story, the better will you understand.

However, the reason why I’m writing this post is really vague. Ever came across that urge to write, even though you’re totally out of thoughts –proper sensible thoughts –yet still, you want to sit and pen down every single chunk that’s coming into your head and its hell frustrating when you try to digest back those random circling thoughts!

Circling thoughts remind me, of how utterly tired have I become! Tired of so-many-things; tired, of everything.

The judgmental-heads would come to comment  criticize this ‘negative approach’ of mine. So to tell them, I’m not being a pessimist or some sort of looser; but the walls that I have around which I’ve built just cause of people like you out there, they happen to collapse and the concealed spills out..

What exactly am I tired of, you cannot know now, since I’m not particular about it either.

Yes, the particularities are yet to hit my head; and when they will, I won’t miss to mention them. But just to provide you with a little hint and intimate epilogue; there has been a lot happening –with me, and around me –which has again brought me to the verge of nothingness!

And again, those who’ll take the gist that I am considering my unidentifiable conflicts as world’s biggest issues, and that I’m just too insensitive to others’ problems and troubles –well, how much I wish to rip their head off just with my words and loud expression for their lame and pathetic judgment! However though, I would do no such thing but tell them enough that since they do-NOT know me; Yes, YOU donot know me, hence, you should avoid judging me just on the basis of what I appear to be!!!

This triggers a whole new topic on which I could write and write and write. I’m surely coming back on this, for how much I hate this society which I’m a part of. The mindless trends they’ve bred, and I am being victimized!

Sadly, I have no escape. Like always, I’ve ended up in this battle with a thrashing defeat on myself before society and religion.

Sighhh.

Fiction: I'd Like To See Her Again

On the far side of the park in the pouring rain, she sat at the vacant bench.

See her face, what do you see?

She fell in love; in the wrong time, in the wrong place, with the wrong person.

But could she be blamed? Since love is inevitable. It just happens; in the oddest time, with an extremely wrong person. And fate is always there to make you realize that.

She wouldn’t wince, no matter how sharp is the blow of this heavy rain falling upon her. It was like, the sharper was the blow; the more unreal would she take the pain to be. The more drenched she’d be, the more real will she find her own existence. It was like, she’s trying to make sure if she is alive or not. She was trying to put the fallen things together; herself.

Even in this dim light, I managed to see those bruises of despair on her face being dissolved into smooth lines of resignation and acceptance.

That moment, she seemed totally drowned in desolation, absolutely lifeless and dejected; puzzled and lost. And this moment, her anguish was transformed into ease. It was obvious, that she has finally submitted to her ironical fate. She has successfully put the fallen together –herself; leave alone the uncertain duration; because sooner or later, she was going to fall apart, again.

Was she crying? Or were they sigh of submission? I know not. I wanted to go up and tell her how courageous she is, to sit by her side and tap her shoulder for her braveness and endurance. I wanted to tell her how proud I am of her; of course I didn’t know here, but I felt this unknown connection between her and myself. A very powerful connection for that profound instance; because her story, was pretty much my story.

I looked up, and she was gone. When did she go, I don’t know. Where did she go, this I don’t know either; but she wasn’t there anymore.

I was left alone, with a feeling of regret to have missed a chance of talking with somebody whose story was in union with mine.

Her face revealed a story, a heart wrenching story; story of love, story of pain, story of despair, story of loss, story of separation, story of dejection –story of contentment.

I wish to God, to see her again. Yes, I’d like to see her again.

 

You know, fate could be really brutal at times. For some, it begins with misery and ends in happiness; but for some, the misery gets worst towards the end.

Summer Is Here!

Just yesterday, after a long boring day at university; tired, I stepped into the house. The epilogue insists on letting you know, that the first thing I do when I enter my house, is to see myself in the mirror. There, following my routine, I went before the mirror and received a minor heart attack when I saw the evident skin tan! Boy, can I go presentable anywhere now?! *sulking*

Just then I realized, Summer is here!

Despite the ruin to my skin, the stupid tan, the sweat, the heat, and the prickles –summer has its charm! –for me it does have it, still. It reminded me of my childhood.

The summer evenings, when nani used to water the plants and I used to just buzz around until finally she’d agree to give me the turn! The session of picking green mangoes from the tree nani had at her backyard and taking active part in helping her pickle them!

I still remember how I used to sit at the backyard of nani’s house in my sleeveless vast and used to eat the ripe mangoes in the most indecent manner possible; with the mango sap running down my hands to my elbows!

Eating kachi imli and Kerry, and taking a promise from nani that she won’t tell my mother. Sure enough, she’d always agree before my innocent plea. Not to mention the consequences when my mother would discover the reason of my sore throat.
Can I forget the big green water melons; I would always insist on eating the red pulp direct without having it separated from its green skin –my father would agree, thinking it really cute but my mother would usually intervene for the sake of manners! Dang!

And when the summer would reach at its peak, lassi (a chilled drink made of yoghurt with ice in it) would get in; and my day would never begin unless a big mug of lassi is consumed! I would first drink the entire mug, and then pick the ice out of it and eat it; used to love the katar katar sound of it! Of course, I cannot forget to mention the smoothies my father used to make me.

Every night I would get a stomach ache; and a chilled glass of sprite with salt would always be the remedy of this complaint.

The monsoon season would come, and I’d go crazy with my cousins; going up at the roof and getting all soaked, playing kho kho and cricket at the lawn! Nothing would please me more, than aalu ke pakoray and nani be so kind to treat us all with jalebi. It would stop raining, I’d go in for a proper bath, get sober and change to dry clothes; in a while, it’d start raining again and I’d go again to get drenched! –my mother would shout at me, not that I’d listen ever.

Everyday used to be like a whole new experience; good great happiness in tiny little things.

Never mind where it has all gone; I had it once, and I’ll cherish it forever. You had it too, right? So survive the heat, endure the tan & prickles, and let it happen; Happy Summer. =)

See

She was telling him the concept she carry about love and falling in love.

Uh, you see, I don’t understand any point when all of a sudden you state to have found some undefined feelings for a total stranger –stranger in a sense; you haven’t known him since always, right?

My idea of love comes from tragedy though. I like the concept of death in romance or some tragic reason. I know that’s weird, but the more tragic is the story the more true I perceive the love to be. Oh-kay well right, not really death; say, delay in union? Right.

Oh me? Well, that’s never happening, you see. I can’t make myself even think of it. I'm more than just sure.
Oh I don't know why is it 'not' possible.. I just think it isn't.

Though I think I would like to believe that I’m in love. Charming as it seems to be. I mean who doesn’t idealize about having an extremely super duper love story? With lots of drama, lots of romance and her very own Mr. Perfect! Since I think and idealize a lot, so I’m more likely to believe that I’m in love when probably I wouldn’t be.

The thought which sometimes trouble me is how am I going to know that if it’s really love or just my idealization? And what if it turned out to be really love which it most definitely wouldn’t, like of course; but just in case.. And and, what am I gonna do in such a situation? I mean, many social hurdles would definitely color my decision; and choices and options are something I hate! Like really hate. And what about the person who I'll fall in love with? What if he'd be just flirting and I got serious? I'm not sure if I'll even survive a heart break! I'm likely to get serious, you see. Not even knowing if this is what I want or not. Sadly somewhere I do identify with that particular school of thought which naturalize love. Pure impact of this mindless society!

Oh well, that bothers me too much at times. So yeah, my love story –if I get any –it should be just awesome! I just don't know how am I going to know? I just hope everything happens like it does in fairy tales. I am much in love with the idea of falling in love.

All this while when she was talking, he had his eyes on her. Now that she stopped talking; he didn't know what to say, just too amused as he was. Though coming from the beginning towards the end, he didn't miss the gradual contradiction of views she had.
He was smiling now, at his own certainty which was proportional to her uncertainty. He knew exactly what it was.

This Is Not My Story

The trails and hues I talked of;

The shades of grey and the tinges of gold –no more do I see any.

The charm encircling me no more; no more should I search for it either.

The magic is there, better I conceal it; and crush the aureole –for that’s not supposed to happen.

And that shouldn’t happen; for this isn’t my story.

Change the track and switch the path;

However though, neither would help.

Remember I will, always; somewhere on this way, I got lost –and never was found.

So much of mist, so much of haze;

–So much of uncertainty, so much of nothing.

In the wrong time, in the wrong circle; I stand, in the middle of nowhere.

Step back and retrieve, I should; for this is not my story.

Fiction: Wish Fulfilled

......... "Hahah! Oh theres no way I'm ever falling in love!"
 -"Well, when did I say 'falling in love'? I'm talking about experiencing a heart break."
 "There isn't much of a difference to it, or is there?"
 -"Well.. There is."
"Fine then, I want to experience a heart break."
-"No, you don't. Trust me."
"Really? Why not?"
-"Its the most painful experience."
"How much painful?"
-"Beyond your imagination."
"Really?"
-"Really."
"Cool. I still want to experience a heart break."
-"Think before you make a wish, silly!"
"Haha, Oh come on! I'm gonna experience a heart break only when I'll be in a relationship, and theres no way I'm ever going in a relationship."
-"Its not about being in a relationship, its about being in love."
"And I'm never falling in love, like I said."
-"You never know. You can't be sure."
"Haha, nah. I'm more than just sure. Thats never happening.."

And here I am. My wish fulfilled.

Fiction: Deceptive She Is

I was sitting in the pleasant lobby, which didn’t seem pleasant to me –not now anyway. The internal dilemma was never ceased, continuously poking my tear glands; tough battle was going on when she came up to me. That typical mocking smile of hers,
 'So the coward is sitting here. Hiding herself! You are such a perfect epitome of good-for-nothing.' 

Criticism and mockery is what I’ve got always, and honestly, I've become immune to many things but this! Everytime I get criticized or mocked, it hurts more than ever.

'You are demoralizing me!' My voice shaking, 'I can't.. I just can't..' The battle came to an end and I broke down sobbing.

‘See see! This is what I call a perfect coward! Afraid-of-everything. What are you afraid of I don’t even know!’

'Them! Its them I’m afraid of! What will they say? What will he think? How is she gonna react? No, I’m better off a coward!'  My sobbing fastened. As gradually as I was realizing every word to be absolutely true –my heart was sinking deeper, the pain was getting intense. I was flooded with tears, and my breathing was getting shallow; shallower.

‘Oh ofcourse! Haha, your they are just amazing. See, baby you are! You started with minor deception and look here, how brutally self deceptive you have become!’

'Whats wrong in that? Not knowing is better than –'

‘Are you serious? You don’t know? You really don’t know?! Hahah! Deceptive! This is what I call deceptive. Could you do anything? Anything? I doubt that honey. You just sit here, make your own philosophical theories and weep.’

I got control. A little. Every word of her was hardening me in a soft way, because I was realizing. Realization with a soothing pain. I knew I was being deceptive, and I had my reasons. But here, to this person, I didn’t want to explain anything. All this while, whenever I opened up to people, they failed to understand. They failed to figure out. And theres noway she could understand. The feeling was piercing enough to provoke a whole new tsunami of tears. I sighed, and the tears went back to where they came from.

 'Absolutely.' I answered with severe tolerance.

No more I had the strength to take any more mockery. I was fine with my decision. Never walking up, never accepting. This wasn’t my time, and for the first time in my life, I knew right. For the first time in my life, I was right; or sort of right.

*   *   *   *   *
And standing here, under the open sky, sea before me, the despair crawled up and again occupied my chest..

Sometimes, its better to keep it to yourself, better to hide. Its better to close your eyes.. I know that I should know, but then could I un-know? -No. 

The pain of not knowing is tenderly better than the pain of knowing. Deception is my way of living.

I see nothing before me now and I feel nothing within me now; except the thorny feeling that nobody, nobody could ever know....

The retreating waves in their thrilling voice, whispered to me ‘think no more; just dream, dreamer.’

I sighed.

Fiction: Hopeless Romantic

Dear Diary,

What it takes to be a strong person, I never knew. And to tell the truth, I always believed that it takes nothing, and even if does, why should I care.

But like always, wrong I was. And now I know, it takes everything; everything in the process of becoming strong and hard. Or maybe, you become strong just like that, for everything that you ever had goes away, what reason then are you left with to be soft and tender?

And if you think that becoming strong and hard are good things, you sure are mistaken –since you haven’t experienced the pain of it. But even after all these lessons that I’ve learned all this way, it doesn’t matter. I’m a hopeless person, I know, I’d fall again –for the same person. All over again for the same person, who is responsible for all these wounds and dents, or to be more precise, for all these lessons; but I least care..

You know it is never easy to hate that person whom every part of yours has loved madly.

So now where I stand, as what I stand, I’m still not-strong. I’m still the same, despite all the lessons boldly carved over my heart. –I don’t care. I don’t care.

I still ask the time, to take me back to the way where I lost myself. Doesn’t matter if I lost myself; at least I found love. At least, I experienced love, even if for the shortest while. I want to live it all over again; all over, with the pain. I want it to be bitterer, more miserable. Because the more painful, the more lasting; and the more lasting it would be, the more real would it feel.

I know I’ve hopelessly lost it, well then that’s a good sign, because sanity is the last thing I would ever desire. There’s no way now, for me to live again; you don’t think breathing means living, or do you?

Sense was something missing in me since always, and it still is not found; but I’m sensible enough to know, that whatever gone is not coming back. Guess that’s okay anyway, I’m holding on to the engraved memories and experiences. As long as I live, they’re going nowhere away.

I know this is life and not a movie where you succeed in killing yourself. Eating, talking, smiling and even laughing –yes I am. But the essence is no more. It’s the smile which doesn’t reaches the eyes, it’s the food which doesn’t provide nutrition, it’s the laugh with doesn’t touches the heart; it’s the surviving, and not the living.

I’m not a pessimist, but neither am I going to preach any wisdom or hope; pity, if you think it could be of any use for brutally shaken people. Perfection is what a shaken seeks, and perfection is what he never gets. Very few are aware about how negatively does absolutism repels the shaken. –And those few are the shaken themselves.

Surely I say, it’s something now you’re destined to live with; because time happens to heal every wound, but fails in altering love.

Bliss

"The glow less eyes, the vacant heart, the world magic less;
My sun trapped behind the dreary clouds, leaving me hopeless!
I was sure but no I was wrong; patient I wasn't and patient I should have been.
It was time!
The light did come;
Straight from heaven –straight to me; to guide me through, to lead me free!
Yes, I feel alive.
Now, I'm alive."

Weather on 24th of Jan, 2012.

Fiction; Abandoned

And here I was standing on the open road trying to repeat and make sense of the break up line I just heard from my sunshine. My legs began to ache, the world seemed to wobble and I collapsed on the concrete road; my knees injured; but the pain was nothing compared to the agony my heart was tormented with!

Funny, how just yesterday I wished life to be long, and now the only desire that I could find within was of death; death, the only way which could provide me escape from this misery. Yes, miserable was what I wasn’t and miserable was the only thing I was.

No more was I the heroin, no more did I have the right to dream for a happy ending, no more was I allowed to smile to myself –what I thought to be a doubt turned out to be real, and what seemed real was absolute delusion; an absolutely beautiful dream which ended.

I rolled on my side, too numb to get up. The summer sky which was clear an hour ago was now trapped behind the heavy grey clouds, blocking the sunlight –it so significantly described my life; this sun of summer was definitely coming back again, my sun was never coming back again. My sun was gone, leaving me in this dark abyss; abandoning me.

As anticipated, it started to rain heavily. In no time I was all drenched, the numbness and despair was saturated. I was lying still on the road, no sound but the low soothing swish of rain. Waiting as I was in the hope to either die or to wake up from this horrible dream –I knew of course, I’m deceiving myself. Again. I was going to live; live to suffer, live to thoroughly go through the torturous sting of the piercing shattered pieces of my dreams, live to die. I was going to live.

She was warned. Yes she was. But Its always too late when realization struck; not that she’d die. But absolutism is what she would want and absolutism is what she wouldn’t ever get.

Society: I

Note; You know when you are so lazy and useless; almost rusted like me; You sometimes fail to produce a good piece even if you're filled with anger. So if this thing is not up to the mark, then I'm sorry. But I need to release it or else I would die.
-Well, not really die. ^_^
(try ignoring the colors too. Pulease.)
*   *   *
Ever since I grew up, my parents- particularly my mother taught me to surrender before society; to care about what they would say, to be afraid of them- the people.
In my case;
Don't paste Atif Aslam's/Edward Cullen's/Taylor Lautner's/Jensen Ackles's/Paul Weasley's/Farhan Saeed's poster in your room; What would the people say?
Don't be so obsessed with novels, drama series, movies, singers; What would the people say?
Don't act like freaks when it comes to songs; What would the people say?
Don't make faces in the gathering; What would the people say?
THE HELL I CARE ABOUT WHAT WOULD THE PEOPLE SAY!
All this time, I used to get so mad about what people is she talking!?

The day I changed my subject from Medical to Literature, (My mother sort of supported me here. I would've have hanged myself or else). Those people I heard of, did come out to comment.
'Gosh! Why did you take literature? Its so Goddamn boring'.
'Ow, you're gonna study psychology? Haha, you'll become a psycho.(how much do I hate this word!? Ask me please!)
'Woah! You left medical and switched to humanities!? Are you out of your mind!'
*  *  *
The day I announced my liking about SuperNatural Stuff; The people came out again.
'Eeegh! I think Edward Cullen is gay. What do you like in him?'
'Harry Potter? You find this Hogwarts thing cool? Lol, Grow up!'
'Stephan Salvatore looks retarded! I can't believe you like HIM!'
'Jensen Ackles? From SuperNatural? Don't tell me you like Him or that show! Uhh your choice!'
*  *  *
My interest in Literature;
'Its boring. Go for Language.'
'It doesn't have any scope. Go for Mass.Com.'
'Lol, so you'll be quoting Shakespeare and Shelley every now and then.'
*  *  *
Thats not it. I cannot miss the Old Aunties of the family who are so desperate to be greeted.
'Your daughter didn't greet me' -They would tell my mother. And guess what; You walk upto them, greet them once-twice-THRICE and they wouldn't seem to even hear you.
To all these comments up there, you're not allowed to give a straight face-smacking answer; Or else you know, what would they say.

My case however is actually nothing compared as to those other girls around. Who belong with such narrow-minded typical eastern families; where they aren't allowed to wear jeans, to hangout with friends, to listen to songs, to use the internet or have a personal cellphone- Entirely because their parents are so afraid of this stupid tag line what would the people say.

My parents are well-educated and well brought; not conservative like some other parents. But since we are the part of this society where people really do comment- criticise to be more precise; they are obliged to follow this mindset our society has bred. And now it is being transmitted to us and the coming generation who seem to care too much about the people out there.
We happen to select the career, the dressing style, even likes and interests according to what they would like -and they hardly seem to like anything.
*  *  *
I added to the top on my list of New Year Resolution, IGNORE THE THOUGHT what people would say AND DO AS YOU LIKE.
Not that this is the first time I'm deciding, but from the time I began to take critical notice I realized how insane it is to miss opportunities, to kill dreams just for the sake of people who are nobodies! who don't exist! Thus, to some extent I have given up caring about what people would say. Yet, to tell the truth; somewhere sometimes, I do. Yes I do. *_*
But in the end, You know Its your life and only you have the right to decide what you should do and what you should not.
So here I release every ounce of anger I had against this tag line and the sick mindset of our society where we are slaves to these people, I hereby request them to GO TO HELL AND LET ME LIVE!!!

Fiction; Her Love ..

"When We said love will break you, love will give pain, pain and nothing but pain. -She contradicted. Because she didn't know. She was willingly dragging herself .. In fire. A Ceaseless Fire."~
*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
You know now you're eighteen, miles away in a hostel; You feel like a grown up. You know, now is the time to live life, to experience it. Now is the perfect age to fall in love ..
You fall in love with everything associated to love. They say red is the color of love; You start to love red. They say Roses symbolize love; You start to buy roses. They say you don't have to speak out your feelings when you're in love; You start to read eyes. Everything about love starts looking soo .. Lovable. All your life, you probably never really believed in Happily Ever Afters, but now you do. Yes you do.
And I knew I was in love.
Ohh Bliss ..♥
*   *   *   *   *   *
"Though She didn't know... It does come with bliss, but ends with misery .."