It was an
overcast day at university; I was walking down the block towards the parking. Too occupied, wandering into the
shell of my own with an internal debate going on about the various sorts of
battles I am into. Maybe I’m not happy. Dizziness would seldom leave me these days, and it was just back! Despair started to settle down.
This didn’t happen! No no
no! This didn’t happen! Even when you’ve learned to have it right, to move
on, to look over –why would you feel this way now? Are you not at the extreme
of inconsistency?! Think again. Think again.
This can’t be. Enough weird happenings! It’s
not in my hands! It’s absolutely not! Oh, so you won.
I was finally numb, my legs refused to take me any further, I thought I'd collapse. There was nobody around and I was thankful. I didn't want any stranger to come and ask me what's wrong, didn't want to start crying and look like a total fool in front somebody and then spend rest of my university years hiding from that person. The road was littered with dead leaves and feathers and dispersed pollens. If this was an ordinary situation and I were in my normal senses, I would've started designing patterns with those. But it wasn't an ordinary situation and my senses were stiff. To avoid falling down, I finally sat at the footpath facing the road, with my right hand against my chest (cause when anything would go wrong, an unidentified feeling would boil up into my chest, my heart would start to sink and instinctively my hand would reach up there to calm it). My hand was shaking, and it was then when I realized I haven't eaten anything since almost two days now. Sigh. I felt unusually weak. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally weak. Pathetically weak. I was dragged into another twister of thoughts. What have I become? A total emotional disaster! I sat there with my head resting at my knees; my right hand never moving from my chest. My breathing was still shallow. How long will all this go on? How am I ever going to be the way I was? Wish there was an escape... Life is weird. Life is unfair. I hate this.
I was running lethargically in vague circles in my mind, complaining and sulking. My traitor tears didn't miss a chance to betray me like everybody, they came out rolling. My knees were soon wet with my tears.
I felt a sudden change in the wind. It was soft and cool now. I looked up and saw that the clouds were ready to pour down. The breeze became a bit fierce, making the pollens on the road twirl. And soon enough, there was a number of pollen twisters twirling and whirling on the road. My thoughts were gone, I was now staring absently at the twirling pollens and dead leaves. Round and round they went, weightless and free. I started twirling and whirling with them in my imagination. It started to drizzle. Soft and buoyant drops, each making me feel a little more alive. Each slowly dodging away the dizziness. I wish it may start raining hard. I wish it may start raining heavy. The more hard would be the blow of rain, the more alive will I feel, and feeling alive was everything I wished for that instance. I was going round and round in my imagination, moving slowly slowly in the spray of water coming from heaven, the world fading behind, my eyes closed...
Every drop falling on me would generate a whole new image in my mind, I was retaining consciousness. The numbness was leaving, the dizziness was fading and my senses were active now. I was breathing normally now. I opened my eyes, and slowly moved my hand from my chest; yes, its okay now. My watch showed me its 2:30, time I get going for my van. I stood up trusting my legs, and continued walking towards the parking area.
Nature came to gather me up again. I was smiling now, thinking that the Unseen didn't miss it. The curtain of breeze passed over me, whispering gently, 'You could go on like this for few more days..'
I felt a sudden change in the wind. It was soft and cool now. I looked up and saw that the clouds were ready to pour down. The breeze became a bit fierce, making the pollens on the road twirl. And soon enough, there was a number of pollen twisters twirling and whirling on the road. My thoughts were gone, I was now staring absently at the twirling pollens and dead leaves. Round and round they went, weightless and free. I started twirling and whirling with them in my imagination. It started to drizzle. Soft and buoyant drops, each making me feel a little more alive. Each slowly dodging away the dizziness. I wish it may start raining hard. I wish it may start raining heavy. The more hard would be the blow of rain, the more alive will I feel, and feeling alive was everything I wished for that instance. I was going round and round in my imagination, moving slowly slowly in the spray of water coming from heaven, the world fading behind, my eyes closed...
Every drop falling on me would generate a whole new image in my mind, I was retaining consciousness. The numbness was leaving, the dizziness was fading and my senses were active now. I was breathing normally now. I opened my eyes, and slowly moved my hand from my chest; yes, its okay now. My watch showed me its 2:30, time I get going for my van. I stood up trusting my legs, and continued walking towards the parking area.
