2013 --In a nutshell.

I wanted my New Year’s post to be special. As special as 2013 was. But unfortunately, the one that I am about throw out on here is not as I wanted it to be since it is a quick thirty minutes work. Meaningful nonetheless! I managed to sneak out of yet another year, bidding adieu to 2013 forever. It's a strange feeling, I am excited and dejected at the same time and it is very difficult to understand how is that even possible.

I am not going to use clichés such as ‘eventful’ and ‘life changer’, for they wouldn’t do justice to how my year really was. I got to witness and experience the transition of life this year. Some days I thought my life has reached the prime of monotony, but then there were days when I thought my life couldn't be more happening. 2013 was the year full of surprises, with shocks every now and then. I've had some cruel disappointments this year, but I've received pleasant surprises too. I've been betrayed, but I’ve been trusted on too. I've been unfriended for petty reasons, but then I've been loved for my ordinary self too. I've feared away from challenges, but I’ve taken a risk too. Different shades, ying yang. Many things happened, many could not. And many didn’t happen the way I thought, but later I realized it was better that way.

2013 marked the completion of my twentieth year on the face of this earth. I turned twenty. I wasn't yet over the shock of turning nineteen. TWENTY? I always thought twenty was big. Like, BIG. A few months ago while clearing my closet, I found a number of old journals that I used to keep, one of which had a 'list' of stuff that I wanted to do before I cross my teenage. Here’s a quick list of stuff that I remember as for now:

1. Get myself in a medical college

2. Walk miles in pouring rain

3. Go and walk along the seashore at night

4. Attend a concern

5. Visit and spend hours alone in a library

6. Travel alone in a public bus

7. Get my hair dyed

8. Sing; despite having a pathetic vocal cord

9. Write something meaningful

10. Learn baking

11. Move to live with my grandmother

12. Find out about who my real parents were (always thought I am an adopted child)

13. Get rid of my brothers (they used to be the most painful creatures back then. Still are)

14. Wear a Saari

^^^^^DON'T judge me.

When I was twelve, I thought I’d know everything when I’d turn twenty. I'd be an efficient worker, pro at about everything and most probably be married by then. Twenty was this big for me. But I feel no different. I still feel like I’m twelve. As lazy, as senseless and as typical as I ever was. I still find bliss in staying ignorant from things that I know are sure to cause me pain. Nothing has changed much, but then again, quite a lot has changed. I am not as expressive as I used to be. I’ve learnt to hold back how I feel. I am very careful now about opening up to people. My whys have been replaced now accompanied with a few what ifs this time. Many people I thought would come along with me till here, drifted away; many others have come close. People I thought would never let me down, eventually did. People I never imagined would ever cross my way are now a major part of my life. Certain things I was sure would never happen to me, actually really happened. Certain things I intentionally avoided from knowing, in due course came into my knowledge. And my reaction to each was surprising, even for myself. I am essentially submissive by nature, everyone knows that. But I've been calm and understanding about certain things that came my way this year to change the course of my life. Somebody this year told me, "when life unfolds something very good to us, almost as if it is too good to be true, we tend to overlook it JUST because it came our way too easy. Let’s not be ungrateful to life for sometimes being easy on us." Sometimes, a few words from someone can make you rethink the entire course you had sketched for yourself which, initially, had no space for chances. Valuing what you've been offered, perhaps this is what turning twenty is about...

This year also brought an end to my 2nd year of honors in the University of Karachi. Which leaves me with just one more year in hand and I’d be done with my graduation. I don't even want to go there. Not yet. The thought of it gives me a sinking feeling… Unbelievable how just a year ago I was ready to give up and trade off everything just to get away from here. Now, it feels insane. Two years behind the line, the picture I had in mind of today was not as such. I treated university very differently, and so in return, I expected it to treat me differently too. When I joined in here, I thought I’d have a group of super-girly friends, who would admire hot pink and so I’d have to admire hot pink too. Who would share everything with me and we would party all the time and other students would envy us. Well. Except for the envy part, nothing really happened. Like I said, a lot of things didn't happen the way I had thought. But I carry no bag of regret, just a few pebbles of mistakes that somehow shaped me for good. Where a lot of things didn't happen, nevertheless, a lot many things did. I managed to gather a bunch of awesome people who're always there to pick me up when I fall, making my life so much easier.

In other news, I started praying. Out of guilt of being the most ungrateful of God’s creatures. But more importantly, out of love for Hussain (a.s). I started praying regularly from the August of this year, because I needed light which would guide me home, and that I was granted. I learnt this year how greatly blessed I am. I learnt, that an earnest prayer never goes unanswered.

This year, I also dared to pluck out the unnecessary parasitic weeds out of my life and let the useful herbs flourish. 2013 strengthened my belief in destiny and fate. I most probably would’ve been in some random university majoring in something that barely interested me had I not accepted things as they were. It’s all clear now. There was a reason why I got late for applying in Iqra and Szabist. There was a reason why I suddenly thought of writing a letter. There was a reason why the signals all directed me here. Because this is where I was meant to be. Over the course, I jumbled up my pieces. It is all sorted now. Along with bad experiences, 2013 brought me good luck. Along with gloominess, it brought me motivation. Along with disappointments and rude revelations, this year brought me love and good friends. And above all, it brought me hope. As clichéd as this might sound, end of the year is always the most ideal time for reflection. I am still having difficulty figuring how is it that time slipped out of my hand and despite everything, I did absolutely nothing. I am not going to rant about that though. I’d rather stop now. This post is longggggg already. I like writing long posts. Just as I like typing (and reading) long texts. It makes me happy. I can see a reflection of myself in the face of those immortal words.

So. Tew Thouzaand Fortewn. Can’t even pronounce it properly. Two Thousand Fourteen. Really? I never thought life after 2012 –not because I believed in the Mayans –but because… I don’t know? Perhaps that was why I couldn’t clearly register 2013 either. And just when I was beginning to, it is gone. Too soon. 2013 brought me a bunch of valuable possessions, few of which are absolutely irreplaceable. I managed to squeeze out a number of pleasant memories and a handful of genuine people. I’d like to start my New Year holding on to these two. :)

'Phir waqt ka paiyyaa ghoom gaya'

Having been hated and loved, carrying a sack of prayers and wishes, under the umbrella of good hope and celebrated in the orchard of colorful fireworks, down went the sun of 2013. Giving away some compelling stories that will live for long. Taking away my time but leaving behind a handful of precious souvenirs that I’ll treasure forever. Down it went, keeping me wonder where my life is heading. Altering certain of my beliefs and filling me with a number of realizations. Down went the sun of 2013, revealing what was better left unknown. Giving me new why’s and what if’s and answering a few unasked questions.

Behind the mighty mountains, to the bottom of the endless ocean sank the last sun of this year, changing the course of my life and leaving me with words and memories that will never cease to exist.

Adieu, 2013!

Peace!

Exams are over, I survived the disastrous exams of four deathly courses, yeaay! This is just another I-am-so-comfortable-at-home type of post. The changed template design too is in accordance with how I feel. Fresh. It is amazing how dramatically your attitude changes toward things once your situation improves. Just a few days ago, I thought I wouldn't survive to see the end of December seeing how unprepared for exams and how seriously occupied by a situation I was. Now, I have a peaceful, happy feeling.

In fact, I have already planned what I need to do in this semester break. I am going to complete my unfinished novels that keep glaring at me from the shelf. The God of Small Things, Forty Rules of Love, Secrets, The Bride, Blowing It and The Maggot Pie. Quite a diverse collection, nay? I have got two religious books too, Shareekat-ul-Hussain and Chaudaah Sitaaray that I HAVE to read. Also, I had planned to search for different marsiyaah by Mir Babar Ali Anees and Mirza Salaamat Ali Dabeer. The two awesome-est marsiyah-nigaar. Marsiyah is a Persian word. It is basically an elegy composed especially to mourn the brutal massacre of Prophet's family in the burning desert of Karbala (Nineveh, Iraq). I had also planned to learn some of my Nani's special recipes from her during this semester break, but oh the sleep woes! By the time I wake up, she had already cooked her awesomelicious food. Next in line, I have got three incomplete drafts of some vague stories that happened to me; I created a rough sketch of them, and then they just... Vanished. Vanished as fast they came. You must complete them and post them --this is me telling myself.

During exams I get creative thoughts and feel an indescribable urge to write. But once they're over, my mind is as blank as a slate. And this always happens. This reminds me I as well have to complete my research of Bulleh Shah's Sufi poetry, fragments of which I managed to collect during exams. Ohmygawd? I have got so much to do! But I feel as lazy as a sloth ever since I'm done with my exams. I sleep all day long, waste time lying on the couch flipping through TV channels, mess around with my brothers, go over at Nani's to waste some more time, come back home, and eventually fall back to sleep. I am so busy wasting time that I don't even remember taking my meals. I am living on dry fruits and chocolates. But then again, I have a peaceful feeling staying home. Most of the nights I stay up late doing nothing and just letting my mind wander. Sometimes I go out in the open to witness the moonlight falling dramatically at the dewy leaves of slumbered plants in my balcony. Serene, tranquilizing moments. The wintry feeling is still in the air, but it doesn't really feel like it's the mid of December. Winter seems to have stopped paying attention to Karachi. Seriously.

I am trying to bring myself to terms with the fact that I have even less than fifteen days in hand before I tie a final knot to the twentieth chapter of my life. I have been avoiding this question from myself ever since December has begun; where did 2013 go? Where did all my time go?! I had only now started registering 2013, and the time to let it go has already come. The fact that time is whooshing past me sometimes scares me. It is a strange feeling. I am happy and sad at the same time, and I don't know how is this even possible. You know you have an easy cozy feeling, but deep down you're well aware that anxiety is building up about something you can't quite figure. I see this time as a foggy lane. The fog has a numbing affect, but I don't know what the fog has in store for me as I move further. The thicker the fog would get, the difficult it would become for me to see what's ahead, and the fact that I wouldn't be able to see, I am afraid I might randomly stumble over and lose something precious. But then I am also happy, because more than anything, I have a hand to hold which is assuring enough for my soul that I am not lost and I wouldn't be. The feeling is overwhelming. I would like to stay this way. The rest I have left on the Stars to take care of.

For now, my pineapple ice cream is melting and I have to make an immediate decision: whether to watch Friends or complete The Forty Rules of Love?

This. Is. Tough.

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I know a little bit of a lot many things. I know how to wish upon a star, and how to communicate with the softest cloud up to the seventh heaven. I know how to make silent exchanges with the moon, and how to hold my breath and make the 11:11 wish. I know the leaf wish spell, and I also know the finger twining trick of wish making. The ways of praying. Keeping my beliefs alive. Just in case...

So basically yes, I know several of such sorts of things; I have practiced them and memorized them. So I have a lot to do when the lights are off. And there's just me and the serene stillness of the night.

...And when I am done doing all of it, I am blank. Comfortably numb; numbness, that unknots my stressed veins and sooths my bones. It's the kind of peace that I am not getting these days.

The time tells me its twenty past three, yet I can't sleep. I can hear my name being called by a fragile dream that needs to be saved; and not just that, but something that needs to be searched and found and held safely. Despite the illuminating laptop screen, it’s dark in here; but then, despite the darkness, it’s not dark in here. It’s contradictory. This place is noticeably glowing with dim lavender lights. The little wisps, that are creating vivid trails, and something tells me that I should follow them…

*Putting it less dramatically: I am up at this odd hour because I have got to study. I have been focusing on the text, doing quite well, but then came along this golden butterfly and I got carried away with the gold dust fluttering off its waxy wings.*

.... This is the height of surrealism. I don’t know what this state means, I am clueless of what am I really doing here and I have absolutely no idea when and how everything went this… Haywire. All I know is that I need to gather everything, and write. It has been over two months since I have written anything, and I already feel like I’ve lost the touch. I guess it’s the changing weather. Winter is making itself comfortable; spreading its tentacles that have begin filling the air with nostalgia. And I can wager I am not the only one who feels nostalgic at the end of the year, or who thinks that winters happen to infuse the concentrated feeling of déjàvu! ––––No? Really?! Tsk! Never mind.

Four more days before the commencement of the last month of the year 2013, and with that my fourth semester would officially come to an end. Can you believe it? I still remember my first day at the university. That all-by-myself, ‘grown up’ feeling; which didn’t last long enough. Where did the time go! I don’t know how this works. Time keeps running out of our hands and we fail to do anything about it. There was so much I wanted to do, which for one reason or the other I couldn’t. 2013 feels like a dream, the same fragile dream that I’ve been struggling to keep captive. But like dreams, time as well cannot be kept enslaved. It slips out, do whatever you can.

The only way you can treasure the time is by spending it well. That’s what I’ve learned this year. To pursue a dream you first need to believe that it’s real. Similarly, to hold and preserve time you must make every moment that you spend worthwhile. There were lots of thing that I had planned to do. But well. Lots of things didn’t happen, or turn out the way I had thought. But then again, I somehow managed to squeeze out quite a few precious memories, which are worth it.

When this year had begun, I had nothing to look forward to, just like I had nothing in mind when I began writing this post, except for a handful of beliefs. The ultimate driving force that helped me get through. And speaking of belief, I’d like to mention that the wisps have disappeared. This is one of the things about wisps and auras and dusts, or pixies and elves, or dreams and hopes; you stop believing, they stop appearing.

Perhaps I should switch back to my surrealism, since the post seems to be turning into one of Buddha’s lectures from Vedas.

But I'd rather sleep.

So, now that I’ve filled the blank space with a few disjointed words, I feel a little less dreary. And OH! Speaking of dreariness, I might as well mention about my date that I have tomorrow with Peter Barry. It’s going to be intense, I can tell. The idea of a long walk by the shores of  Beginning Theory feels awful wonderful. We’ll be having Liberal Humanism for lunch and Psychoanalytic Criticism for supper. I am so totally not excited.

p.s: I think I’d most probably be writing after the exams now. A mandatory new-year’s post with a changed layout, of course! If I wouldn’t be too lazy, that is.