Adieu 2011

By the end of every year, I turn pretty nostalgic; I repeatedly ask this one question, ‘where did this year go?’ And sure enough, the answer is a deep sigh.

I remember not-welcoming 2011. Because I was sad, for the fact that time is running out of my hands!

I expected nothing from this year. I thought it to be like 2010, boring and absolutely unwanted!

When I was standing at the end of 2010, I had no words to define how my year 2010 was because it went unusually fast! There was altogether nothing super cool or evergreen about it; it was a boring speedy year.

However, now when I’m standing at the end of the year 2011, I could gladly answer the question how my year 2011 was.

2011 has given me answers to my questions, more questions, more experiences, more lessons and most of all,
2011 was like a dead end to everything I had from past. Everything I had, sort of wrapped up in 2011 in the form of just memories.....

2011 was a life changer. A true life changer.

2011 brought numerous new colors to my life.

It taught me to get over the regrets from my past, taught me to manage facing the world, taught me how to pull myself back every time I trip, and helped me construct that concealing wall around me.

2011 showed me who I am and what I want to do; it supplied me with chunks of courage to walk through uncertainties, and most of all, it provided me the strength to continue running in this race.

It made me realize that this life is a gift; that I wouldn’t get to live back again, so instead of wasting time in regretting and worrying and fighting and hating, I should live life.
Live it the way I want to, Experience every single moment, Make wrong decisions, Smile at my past mistakes, Step into the fog of uncertainty with concrete hope!
2011 helped me repair myself.
I owe this *New Me* to 2011.
So after 2008 and 2009, I hereby add 2011 to the list of Unforgetable Years.
Adieu 2011..

You changed me and my life.
I will really really miss you~*

Fiction. Journal Entry; She.

Page 1.

-Anonymous

 

Here I was, Sitting idle in the hall full of guests.

and there my husband was, with another woman.

a very silly part of me wanted to feel proud for what he was doing. He was pretending to save the life of a woman who belonged with his past; who intended to kill herself, If he came closer to any other woman.

Sure, she knew I'm His wife, but she was told that I and He have differences so vast; that I and He are living a life of compromise; that He loves her only.

This wasn't true though. He loved Me. He assured me that She was his past. And I am his present and future. He assured me that I'm his everything now!

The thought of doubting him made me feel guilty! I trusted him. I still trust him.

But even then, watching someone else holding his hand, made me feel insecure; watching his hand around someone Else's waist, made me feel lonely.

No, I wasn't doubting HIM, I was doubting my fate.

I was experiencing the feelings of a woman.

In that entire room however, no matter where He was, he had his eyes fixed on me.

He was trying to read my expressions, he was trying to predict my thoughts; But I was blank! Completely blank.

I was feeling no sensation at all. Just numbness, and a hint of an unidentified pain somewhere in my chest.

All this time, I was avoiding his gaze, avoiding eye contact with him. Because I knew, the moment his piercing gaze would touch my eyes, I would break! I would fail to hold back the boiling tears any longer.

And I was not in a state to afford it.

So there I was, alone. Inspite of his following eyes, I was ALL alone.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Page.2

The reception was over soon..

It was time to have him next to me after so long tonight; It was time to walk home.

It was Time, to walk with him......

He looked at Me after so long tonight -Like looked at Me, not Studied Me; Which He was doing all this time tonight. And his expression ........ I don't know what it said. His big brown eyes had so much in them!

We started to walk.

And for the first time Tonight; When I was walking right next with him at last --I felt lonely. Miserably lonely....

Un-Special. Un-Normal

Seems so long to me since I last blogged. Have been pretty busy.

Had this feeling.. No, actually Yeah -duh!- Yeah I'm pretty messed up!

Yes, I've been having this feeling since a while. I just realized how un-normal I am- No I'm not talking about ab-normal. The tag line to 'story of my life'  is Un-normal.

Humans, come up with different ways in order to fit in this society. In this World.

Change their habits, replace their preferences, develop qualities in order to be special. Well yeah, every one here does have at least something special about them.

And being special is the sign of being normal -Here at least.

From the very beginning, I did have this I-deee-aa, that I'm not special.
Special people love to be under the spot light, they love to be the centre of attention. And in my case, to have everyone's attention on me is the worst thing I could imagine;
To be under the lights, to have eyes on me is the thing I've hated the most since forever. Because basically for that, You need to be amazing, and I knew (I know still) that there is nothing absolutely amazing about me, That there is something absolutely wrong with me.
* * * *

Yeahh, No super power like Matilda.

No Boy like Edward.

No Companion like Jacob either.

No God Father like Sirius.
*snifff*

Oh-kay. Now on a little practical note.

Yes, I'm not a fragile delicate girl.

Yes, I don't have issues with taking medicines.

Yes, I can tolerate the sight of blood.

Yes, I don't get sick frequently - actually, don't get sick at all!

Yes, I love to gossip.

Yes, I'm an absolutely lazy person.

No, I don't have an extra caring elder sibling.

No, I don't have that lovey-dovey relation with my younger siblings.

Nop, No richie-rich type family.

No super cool gangly friends.

No, I'm not an extra ordinary student.
No, I'm not a bold outgoing girl.

Its a list with the most common qualities. No "Oh-my-Gaaaad" type thingie.

Yup, that's all typical.

But now on a more serious note, The Un-normal element comes here, In my head. My thought processes.

My mental frequency runs parallel with everybody Else's. Rather than running together. 

Never on the same track. Always having an entirely different angle.

Always thinking about things and people who existed either in past or didn't exist at all. Always thinking about impossibilities. Always thinking about the least anticipated thing.

Having sympathy with Villains. Having that curious feeling to explore the sentiments of cold people. Missing people I never met. Crying for people I don't know. Having those deep thoughts about the wheel of time. Imagining things that could have happened. Having that strong believe in happenings of fate. Loving the most odd things. Having fascination for darkness.

Detecting magic in every-single-bit.

The Un-normal factor is this. Having that third opinion, which deviates from real and falls into surreal.
-Ohkay now, if this you think makes me special, it does not. Well even if does, it is in an un-normal way.
So what is it? 
A Messy head?

Mental Disorder?

Fault in Brain Wiring?

Must be. *Sigh*

A letter to God

"Hey God! I was thinking of you lately. Its been ages since I've talked to you. So here I go, asking you to spare a minute for me.

Nay- This time I don't want to ask anything for myself. I want this minute because..

Well, because .. Err ohkay I'm blushing. It'll take some time.

Hmm.. So ohkay. I want you to spare a minute so that ..

So that I could Thank You for being so kind to me. For making me happy when I least expect it. For granting my wish before I utter it. For every breath I take. For this life. For everything. Though I know I don't deserve a bit of your kindness and You know it too that I am a sinner; Yet You continue showering Your blessings upon me! How shall I thank you?
I can not.

I am amazed at your greatness. And here I stand, bowing before You.

God, I love You.*"