Circle

Don't hate this five minutes work. Please.

I've been struggling so hard to not let go of my sanity and prevent my mind from wandering off, but in vain do I try for this is the time when all the hurdles disappear and my psyche goes on roaming in the planes of impossibilities and pure fantasies. This is the time when all the shackles loosen, all the burdens take a break; when there’s no jury of critics to force condemnation at me for thinking out of the box, or denounce my preferences. It’s finally night time --and this explains the energy that has forced me out of the bed and compelled me to write.

Every now and then, I receive a sharp pang of certain realizations, of certain bitter facts rather, which leaves me feeling helpless and powerless against the hoop of time and space that I’m bound in. –That we all are bound in.

With every step that I cover, there’s a detail being missed, and a detail being noticed at the same time. With every moment that I cross, there’s a memory from the past getting blur. Blurrier. Just now, while going through the stack of memories that I’ve collected in the journey of the previous 18 years and this distinct 1 year, a realization that a change has approached and a memory is being erased has filled me in.

Had I known any possible way of holding on to the memoirs that I've gathered all this way, I’d have done it straight away, preventing them from slipping off; but they are. They are slipping off… Like sand from my hand; slowly, gradually.

And as I dwell upon the disappearing remains of my past, I naturally start thinking about how I was or how will I be after a few years from now? About how I've become, or if I've become anything so far? I wonder if there's something that I've earned all this way? Or found somebody for life? If I could really take a refuge from here, onto the planet of caprice? If I could really un-know certain things and live back in oblivion, happy again? All those fantasies and yearnings that have occupied me since quite a while now come before me and I notice, how every wish is connected with another; compelling me to move in a circle, in an ellipse. I feel being driven by a one-way wheel, that prohibits me from going back.

Bizarre

....Because I was caught talking to myself aloud, like a complete retard...

If there was a trend in Pakistan of seeing a psychiatrist, my parents wouldn't have wasted time in giving a second thought to the idea! They strongly believe that I’m in severe need of counseling; 5 sittings, minimum.

---And I wouldn't say no if they really take me. Like seriously.

Things are bizarre. -Again; And I'm a total fool. ---I guess we all are; at some time in our life, we all are.

Tonight.

In the middle of the night, I lay restless in my bed. What is this feeling? Have I not already buried the previous enigmas?! Have I not already decided to overlook everything? I sure have. But the previous ones are replaced by new ones. I can just not make out.

I've left the bed and I stand by my window now. The sky is clear, with soft clouds like rusty patches over a navy blue silk; very few stars could I see shining. The wind is chilly and it somehow feels uncomfortable, like I don't belong here. There’s a train of thoughts running in my mind. Each thought, vague and incomprehensible..

I look up at the sky, tracing with my eyes, the patterns the clouds make. It has always been my habit to imagine shapes and figures seeing the floating clouds…

There are some questions; some unknown questions and some uncertainty. I feel tired… And clueless.. And drained.. I need to look around and gather every piece. Everything makes perfect sense, but at the same time nothing seems to make sense at all. Maybe these stars would tell me something? Or the floating clouds might take me somewhere better? We all seek for an escape, don’t we?

The moonlight is falling on the floor coming down from the sky through this window… I have this urge to sit on this floor and absorb this cool light, and so I have settled down on this floor with my knees up to my chest, my arms locked around. I have my head up towards the sky.. Since my childhood, sky has never failed to fascinate me. Amazing how the colors change! The sun sets down making the sky go orange. Orange gradually turning to pink, pink slowly changing to purple, purple stirring to ink blue, ink blue ultimately settling to cobalt and cobalt finally turning into a canopy of saturated black sheet stretched to infinity with countless twinkling stars stitched over it.

Maybe I would just fly up there.. And touch the glowing stars, and see the ripples forming around them... Maybe I would just fly up there and sit at the moon.. Look down at the world… See the vast lanes spread out.. A train resting at its platform like a centipede in hibernation.. See the ocean waving up at me in envy for I could touch the moon which the sea desire to.. I see a time line; the vivid past, the fresh present, the bright yet hazy future...

The wind has become serene now, softly blowing my hair strands.. Soothing. It’s soothing I tell you. I cannot help but inhale deep and sigh at the radiating beauty of the night sky. Wonder if there’s somebody at any part of this world doing the same thing as I am right now? Somebody having this same feeling as I am having right now? Somebody fighting with doubts? Somebody walking uncertainly on a foggy road, unaware what’s ahead? Somebody? Somebody worrying of loosing what they hold? Somebody thinking why a person walked in and changed everything? And why a person walked away and took everything along?

Somebody thinking about how life changes and we don’t even realize? Somebody stuck in deciding between a truth and a lie when both seem equally true? Somebody having these same thoughts? –if yes, then you should know you’re not alone. Under this same sky, under this same moon light, sharing the same air; its you and its I, and we're thinking alike.

I Have A Wish. :)

"Because there's no wrong in wishing upon a star."