My Life These Days

Since past two years, March and April have been seriously unpleasant months for me. And this year, they’ve proved to be no different. Dull, tiring, stressful, disappointing and upsetting in many possible ways.

My life these days is pretty damn hectic and stressed. There’s so much to do and there’s so little time. There’s so little time, and there’s so little will; and no hope.

From planning for a big family event that’s due for the first week of June, to attending my best friend’s wedding. From preparing for terminal exams that are scheduled in the mid of May, to dealing with the anxiety of presentations. From making peace with my past, to managing every day of my present in a slightly better way.

From struggling to make myself forgive somebody, to asking for forgiveness from the Ones-who-are-still-watching-over-me. From working to get my health back, to attempting to unknot  the misunderstandings.

From making efforts to tune out the unnecessary unpleasant stuff, to mending many other intentional and unintentional damages.

As busy as this week that had passed was, it was equally and unexpectedly pleasant. Happy, in fact. I went out shopping (I do enjoy shopping, especially when it concern weddings), celebrated my brothers’ birthday (I was disappointed when they were born because I had always wanted a sister; height of thanklessness. But honestly, when I gravely needed somebody to talk to, like those very few people who were there when nobody was, my brothers too came as saviors), planned a family gathering and attended my dear old school friend’s wedding. In this one week, I relived my life that I had back till 2009. I was back with my school friends, who were and still are the best people of my life. We exchanged the same old smiles, the hilarious laughter, the lame jokes, rejoiced the old memories --sharing some happiest moments. In this one week, I forgot about the heap of unfinished work. I forgot, that I had to go back to a place, where I’m not genuinely happy.

From missing dear old and genuinely concerned friends, to trying to fit in among a group of new and different people.

I have a whole stack of papers to fill –notes to make, writing assignments to complete, anxiety of presentations to deal with (I’m stage/audience/attention phobic), social life to manage (people actually complain) and pieces of myself to gather, everyday.

It’s Sunday (technically well, it’s Monday now), the week has already ended; and I once again stand at the verge of another week filled with more anxiety and more stress, looking forward to another week to bring some more of it, and another. And another.

But even when I’m so tightly bound with my routine, I still often find myself wandering amidst the golden fields of mustard… Or flying freely like a firefly in a dark summer night... Or swimming carelessly like a sea turtle with the current... Or lying underneath a starry sky… Away, from all the battles and free of all the shackles… And sure enough, it doesn’t take long for me to realize that this is yet another illusion, and I have several more battles to fight before I finally take refuge.

With the air of good memories lingering around me and the remembrance of good sincere people within my heart, I once again, like many other times, set off to fight yet another battle. Alone, but not really alone.

Happy exams season everyone.

Tonight.

In the middle of the night, I lay restless in my bed. What is this feeling? Have I not already buried the previous enigmas?! Have I not already decided to overlook everything? I sure have. But the previous ones are replaced by new ones. I can just not make out.

I've left the bed and I stand by my window now. The sky is clear, with soft clouds like rusty patches over a navy blue silk; very few stars could I see shining. The wind is chilly and it somehow feels uncomfortable, like I don't belong here. There’s a train of thoughts running in my mind. Each thought, vague and incomprehensible..

I look up at the sky, tracing with my eyes, the patterns the clouds make. It has always been my habit to imagine shapes and figures seeing the floating clouds…

There are some questions; some unknown questions and some uncertainty. I feel tired… And clueless.. And drained.. I need to look around and gather every piece. Everything makes perfect sense, but at the same time nothing seems to make sense at all. Maybe these stars would tell me something? Or the floating clouds might take me somewhere better? We all seek for an escape, don’t we?

The moonlight is falling on the floor coming down from the sky through this window… I have this urge to sit on this floor and absorb this cool light, and so I have settled down on this floor with my knees up to my chest, my arms locked around. I have my head up towards the sky.. Since my childhood, sky has never failed to fascinate me. Amazing how the colors change! The sun sets down making the sky go orange. Orange gradually turning to pink, pink slowly changing to purple, purple stirring to ink blue, ink blue ultimately settling to cobalt and cobalt finally turning into a canopy of saturated black sheet stretched to infinity with countless twinkling stars stitched over it.

Maybe I would just fly up there.. And touch the glowing stars, and see the ripples forming around them... Maybe I would just fly up there and sit at the moon.. Look down at the world… See the vast lanes spread out.. A train resting at its platform like a centipede in hibernation.. See the ocean waving up at me in envy for I could touch the moon which the sea desire to.. I see a time line; the vivid past, the fresh present, the bright yet hazy future...

The wind has become serene now, softly blowing my hair strands.. Soothing. It’s soothing I tell you. I cannot help but inhale deep and sigh at the radiating beauty of the night sky. Wonder if there’s somebody at any part of this world doing the same thing as I am right now? Somebody having this same feeling as I am having right now? Somebody fighting with doubts? Somebody walking uncertainly on a foggy road, unaware what’s ahead? Somebody? Somebody worrying of loosing what they hold? Somebody thinking why a person walked in and changed everything? And why a person walked away and took everything along?

Somebody thinking about how life changes and we don’t even realize? Somebody stuck in deciding between a truth and a lie when both seem equally true? Somebody having these same thoughts? –if yes, then you should know you’re not alone. Under this same sky, under this same moon light, sharing the same air; its you and its I, and we're thinking alike.

Fiction: Deceptive She Is

I was sitting in the pleasant lobby, which didn’t seem pleasant to me –not now anyway. The internal dilemma was never ceased, continuously poking my tear glands; tough battle was going on when she came up to me. That typical mocking smile of hers,
 'So the coward is sitting here. Hiding herself! You are such a perfect epitome of good-for-nothing.' 

Criticism and mockery is what I’ve got always, and honestly, I've become immune to many things but this! Everytime I get criticized or mocked, it hurts more than ever.

'You are demoralizing me!' My voice shaking, 'I can't.. I just can't..' The battle came to an end and I broke down sobbing.

‘See see! This is what I call a perfect coward! Afraid-of-everything. What are you afraid of I don’t even know!’

'Them! Its them I’m afraid of! What will they say? What will he think? How is she gonna react? No, I’m better off a coward!'  My sobbing fastened. As gradually as I was realizing every word to be absolutely true –my heart was sinking deeper, the pain was getting intense. I was flooded with tears, and my breathing was getting shallow; shallower.

‘Oh ofcourse! Haha, your they are just amazing. See, baby you are! You started with minor deception and look here, how brutally self deceptive you have become!’

'Whats wrong in that? Not knowing is better than –'

‘Are you serious? You don’t know? You really don’t know?! Hahah! Deceptive! This is what I call deceptive. Could you do anything? Anything? I doubt that honey. You just sit here, make your own philosophical theories and weep.’

I got control. A little. Every word of her was hardening me in a soft way, because I was realizing. Realization with a soothing pain. I knew I was being deceptive, and I had my reasons. But here, to this person, I didn’t want to explain anything. All this while, whenever I opened up to people, they failed to understand. They failed to figure out. And theres noway she could understand. The feeling was piercing enough to provoke a whole new tsunami of tears. I sighed, and the tears went back to where they came from.

 'Absolutely.' I answered with severe tolerance.

No more I had the strength to take any more mockery. I was fine with my decision. Never walking up, never accepting. This wasn’t my time, and for the first time in my life, I knew right. For the first time in my life, I was right; or sort of right.

*   *   *   *   *
And standing here, under the open sky, sea before me, the despair crawled up and again occupied my chest..

Sometimes, its better to keep it to yourself, better to hide. Its better to close your eyes.. I know that I should know, but then could I un-know? -No. 

The pain of not knowing is tenderly better than the pain of knowing. Deception is my way of living.

I see nothing before me now and I feel nothing within me now; except the thorny feeling that nobody, nobody could ever know....

The retreating waves in their thrilling voice, whispered to me ‘think no more; just dream, dreamer.’

I sighed.

Bliss

"The glow less eyes, the vacant heart, the world magic less;
My sun trapped behind the dreary clouds, leaving me hopeless!
I was sure but no I was wrong; patient I wasn't and patient I should have been.
It was time!
The light did come;
Straight from heaven –straight to me; to guide me through, to lead me free!
Yes, I feel alive.
Now, I'm alive."

Weather on 24th of Jan, 2012.

Fiction; Abandoned

And here I was standing on the open road trying to repeat and make sense of the break up line I just heard from my sunshine. My legs began to ache, the world seemed to wobble and I collapsed on the concrete road; my knees injured; but the pain was nothing compared to the agony my heart was tormented with!

Funny, how just yesterday I wished life to be long, and now the only desire that I could find within was of death; death, the only way which could provide me escape from this misery. Yes, miserable was what I wasn’t and miserable was the only thing I was.

No more was I the heroin, no more did I have the right to dream for a happy ending, no more was I allowed to smile to myself –what I thought to be a doubt turned out to be real, and what seemed real was absolute delusion; an absolutely beautiful dream which ended.

I rolled on my side, too numb to get up. The summer sky which was clear an hour ago was now trapped behind the heavy grey clouds, blocking the sunlight –it so significantly described my life; this sun of summer was definitely coming back again, my sun was never coming back again. My sun was gone, leaving me in this dark abyss; abandoning me.

As anticipated, it started to rain heavily. In no time I was all drenched, the numbness and despair was saturated. I was lying still on the road, no sound but the low soothing swish of rain. Waiting as I was in the hope to either die or to wake up from this horrible dream –I knew of course, I’m deceiving myself. Again. I was going to live; live to suffer, live to thoroughly go through the torturous sting of the piercing shattered pieces of my dreams, live to die. I was going to live.

She was warned. Yes she was. But Its always too late when realization struck; not that she’d die. But absolutism is what she would want and absolutism is what she wouldn’t ever get.

Battles

Its been eighteen years and five months since I'm put on the face of earth. and since the time i grew up, i've come across battles and more battles.

battle between chocolate and vodka shot

battle between a swing and a slide

battle between cocacola and miranda

between burger and pizza

between barbie and candie

~************~

Battle between biology and computer science

battle between old crush and new crush

battle between red and pink

battle between one handsome guy and another handsome guy

battle between this cool song and the other cool song

battle between this friend and the other friend

~************~

Battle between psychology and english

battle between doubts and more doubts

battle between looks and attitude

between dreams and realities

~************~

Battle between freedom and compromise..

and the most important and consistent and never ending battle, Battle with this World.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the year 2011, ended every battle which started in 2009 and years back.

But as day follows night, Another battle awaits at the doorstep of 2012.....

Oh You Life!

But for now, I'm enjoying my rest. ;)

Some Dreams I Have

Some Dreams I have, to walk through Shores of Fantasy.
Some Dreams I have, to explore The Whole New World, My destiny.

Where there is Rain, Where there is Cold,
Where You get what You desire, Where You never get Old.

Some Dreams I have, To walk through the Shores of Fantasy.
Some Dreams I have, To explore the Whole New World of, My Destiny.

Where there is much green and much blue,

Where there are many, Who are Much Like You.

Some Dreams I have, To walk through the shores of fantasy.

Some Dreams I have, To explore the whole new world, My destiny.

Where Nature is luxury, Where impossibilities disappear; amazingly.

Some Dreams I have, To walk through the shores of fantasy.

Some Dreams I have, To explore the whole new world, My destiny.

Where fairy tales come to life,

Where fancy, rises high.

These Dreams I have, These wishes need life.

To fly high into the sky, dive deep into the ocean.

Experience death, and again come back to life.

Escape I will; some day, to give these surreal wishes; at last, A Life.