A little something

One year behind the line, these days were perfect. I don't even have to try to remember how it was. Every minute detail of each day is crystal clear, like it was only yesterday. The Eid day when a certain truth was revealed. And the drizzly evening when a choice was made; staying by which was the easiest decision to live with. Funny how I have never identified with people who associate rain with sorrow. The sound of sheeting rain against the window pane was overwhelming. So beautiful, to sit in the dark and let the sound and fragrance of rain fill your senses... The first blast of rain on my skin brought back the memory of a time gone by. Feels like it is the only memory of rain I am left with. It was beautiful, I am going to keep it; regardless of the consequences it brought.

*.*.*

All those people who keep telling me 'told you so' are the ones whose mouths I knew will be shut forever when the time would come. I knew they'll get their answer when my faith will win and they will see for themselves how I was right all along.

I wasn't.

I no longer have anything to say in defense like all other times. The last bit of confidence I had was crushed when my sincerity was insulted. JUST when I was beginning to improve, someone from recent past showed up, yet again, only to blame me for all the mess; like all other times. Is it really that difficult to not realize your own mistake? My caution was misunderstood. How is adhering to your limits a mistake? How is a silence of months justifiable? How telling half-truths is right? How audaciously blaming someone for the collapse is correct when you left them all alone in the middle of nowhere? It was silly of me to even think there exists a thing as self realization. I should've known that people lack the courage to accept their mistakes. Which only shows how weak they are. NOBODY has any right to demand justifications from me for their indecisiveness. Who knew, my goodwill will be thrown down the drain so effortlessly. It took me some while to get over the disappointment. But one thing was made clear, when people show up every now and then to blame you for the wrong they did, it is their defensive act of consoling their guilty conscience by projecting their guilt onto others. I no longer stress about it; it has brought me a satisfying peace.

You know what they say for every person you lose, there comes someone else to fill the gap? I don't completely agree; but I do understand what it means. When someone leaves, it creates room for people you had shut out just because you had someone much important in priority. I lost someone special over the time, but I also gained a few genuine friends in due course. I went out to meet them for the second time; Gloria Jean's it was. I'd say again like I have said before, people are not what other people say they are. People are not what they themselves say they are either. Naani would always quote a maxim, 'duniya gol hai.' I never truly understood the meaning of it until recently. Which only made me realize how all those sayings I have been listening to in my childhood are actually VERY true. All those "propositions" I have been boldly denying all these days... Well. Certain unexpected sources came up to validate them, adding more to the bizzarity of a story that is no more my concern; and for that, a simple 'I was wrong' would suffice. No more a part of a twisted story, much thankful.

As I had decided, I wouldn't waste another blog post in defining the tormenting wait and agony I had to go through. A little reflection was necessary, and so it's given.

*.*.*

I was very much sure how boring and gloomy my Eid will be. I was dreading it, literally. My sense of association and nostalgia is stronger than usual. I knew it would come back; I knew I don't want it. Three days before Eid, I looked no less than a zombie. I wasn't well, and I didn't want to see anyone. But as it is said, surprises come when you least expect them. That is why they are called 'surprises', no? My cousins returned to Pakistan for Eid. It was so good, to see them again after a month. Some people are a source of such joy, you can't put it in words. And what do you know, the Eid I was expecting to be boring and upsetting as hell turned out to be so eventful and happening. I might as well mention here the exciting 'Shaadi Week' that is now coming to an end. Don't you think good times pass quick? I think they do. But what they leave behind is a series of cherish-able moments that harbor in the mind forever.

My university began this week. I found myself feeling excited for the first day when only a week ago I was sulking about it. It turned out better than I thought. We kick started our sixth semester with loads of pictures, hilarious laughter at silly jokes and of course, Sufi ke Dhaabay pe Pathan ke parathay ka naashta. I have three Linguistic courses this semester, and Psycho Linguistics is the only one I am looking forward to. Last five months in here, unless of course I choose to come back for Masters. I haven't given much thought to it yet.

In another exciting news, MUN has at last arrived to University of Karachi! Awesome, isn't it? The conference dates will be announced soon. Really looking forward to it. Finally UoK will be having some creative fun, too.

I have friends annoyed with me for not posting Euphoria’s final sequel. Reason being: first, my laziness. I have been however trying to complete and finalize the drafts, but I am unable to; probably because I no longer have it in me. Euphoria always reflected what I felt. How do I coherently put it in symbols when I don’t anymore feel it? But I shall give it a try. Everything deserves to have an ending, Euphoria must have one to.

I have started liking it here in my new house. This place has a very calming surrounding. You know my favorite spot in the entire house? The roof top. My world so perfectly fits in there… I see a chain of images of certain events rolling chronologically at the blank slate of dark sky. It is like living a dream, only with an awakened consciousness. I lie underneath the vast sky and carve random shapes out of the floating clouds. They are empty containers, and it is so pleasing to give meaning to them. Do you know how it feels to have a meaning?...

... Complete. It feels complete.