Fiction: Hopeless Romantic

Dear Diary,

What it takes to be a strong person, I never knew. And to tell the truth, I always believed that it takes nothing, and even if does, why should I care.

But like always, wrong I was. And now I know, it takes everything; everything in the process of becoming strong and hard. Or maybe, you become strong just like that, for everything that you ever had goes away, what reason then are you left with to be soft and tender?

And if you think that becoming strong and hard are good things, you sure are mistaken –since you haven’t experienced the pain of it. But even after all these lessons that I’ve learned all this way, it doesn’t matter. I’m a hopeless person, I know, I’d fall again –for the same person. All over again for the same person, who is responsible for all these wounds and dents, or to be more precise, for all these lessons; but I least care..

You know it is never easy to hate that person whom every part of yours has loved madly.

So now where I stand, as what I stand, I’m still not-strong. I’m still the same, despite all the lessons boldly carved over my heart. –I don’t care. I don’t care.

I still ask the time, to take me back to the way where I lost myself. Doesn’t matter if I lost myself; at least I found love. At least, I experienced love, even if for the shortest while. I want to live it all over again; all over, with the pain. I want it to be bitterer, more miserable. Because the more painful, the more lasting; and the more lasting it would be, the more real would it feel.

I know I’ve hopelessly lost it, well then that’s a good sign, because sanity is the last thing I would ever desire. There’s no way now, for me to live again; you don’t think breathing means living, or do you?

Sense was something missing in me since always, and it still is not found; but I’m sensible enough to know, that whatever gone is not coming back. Guess that’s okay anyway, I’m holding on to the engraved memories and experiences. As long as I live, they’re going nowhere away.

I know this is life and not a movie where you succeed in killing yourself. Eating, talking, smiling and even laughing –yes I am. But the essence is no more. It’s the smile which doesn’t reaches the eyes, it’s the food which doesn’t provide nutrition, it’s the laugh with doesn’t touches the heart; it’s the surviving, and not the living.

I’m not a pessimist, but neither am I going to preach any wisdom or hope; pity, if you think it could be of any use for brutally shaken people. Perfection is what a shaken seeks, and perfection is what he never gets. Very few are aware about how negatively does absolutism repels the shaken. –And those few are the shaken themselves.

Surely I say, it’s something now you’re destined to live with; because time happens to heal every wound, but fails in altering love.

Bliss

"The glow less eyes, the vacant heart, the world magic less;
My sun trapped behind the dreary clouds, leaving me hopeless!
I was sure but no I was wrong; patient I wasn't and patient I should have been.
It was time!
The light did come;
Straight from heaven –straight to me; to guide me through, to lead me free!
Yes, I feel alive.
Now, I'm alive."

Weather on 24th of Jan, 2012.

Fiction; Abandoned

And here I was standing on the open road trying to repeat and make sense of the break up line I just heard from my sunshine. My legs began to ache, the world seemed to wobble and I collapsed on the concrete road; my knees injured; but the pain was nothing compared to the agony my heart was tormented with!

Funny, how just yesterday I wished life to be long, and now the only desire that I could find within was of death; death, the only way which could provide me escape from this misery. Yes, miserable was what I wasn’t and miserable was the only thing I was.

No more was I the heroin, no more did I have the right to dream for a happy ending, no more was I allowed to smile to myself –what I thought to be a doubt turned out to be real, and what seemed real was absolute delusion; an absolutely beautiful dream which ended.

I rolled on my side, too numb to get up. The summer sky which was clear an hour ago was now trapped behind the heavy grey clouds, blocking the sunlight –it so significantly described my life; this sun of summer was definitely coming back again, my sun was never coming back again. My sun was gone, leaving me in this dark abyss; abandoning me.

As anticipated, it started to rain heavily. In no time I was all drenched, the numbness and despair was saturated. I was lying still on the road, no sound but the low soothing swish of rain. Waiting as I was in the hope to either die or to wake up from this horrible dream –I knew of course, I’m deceiving myself. Again. I was going to live; live to suffer, live to thoroughly go through the torturous sting of the piercing shattered pieces of my dreams, live to die. I was going to live.

She was warned. Yes she was. But Its always too late when realization struck; not that she’d die. But absolutism is what she would want and absolutism is what she wouldn’t ever get.

Society: I

Note; You know when you are so lazy and useless; almost rusted like me; You sometimes fail to produce a good piece even if you're filled with anger. So if this thing is not up to the mark, then I'm sorry. But I need to release it or else I would die.
-Well, not really die. ^_^
(try ignoring the colors too. Pulease.)
*   *   *
Ever since I grew up, my parents- particularly my mother taught me to surrender before society; to care about what they would say, to be afraid of them- the people.
In my case;
Don't paste Atif Aslam's/Edward Cullen's/Taylor Lautner's/Jensen Ackles's/Paul Weasley's/Farhan Saeed's poster in your room; What would the people say?
Don't be so obsessed with novels, drama series, movies, singers; What would the people say?
Don't act like freaks when it comes to songs; What would the people say?
Don't make faces in the gathering; What would the people say?
THE HELL I CARE ABOUT WHAT WOULD THE PEOPLE SAY!
All this time, I used to get so mad about what people is she talking!?

The day I changed my subject from Medical to Literature, (My mother sort of supported me here. I would've have hanged myself or else). Those people I heard of, did come out to comment.
'Gosh! Why did you take literature? Its so Goddamn boring'.
'Ow, you're gonna study psychology? Haha, you'll become a psycho.(how much do I hate this word!? Ask me please!)
'Woah! You left medical and switched to humanities!? Are you out of your mind!'
*  *  *
The day I announced my liking about SuperNatural Stuff; The people came out again.
'Eeegh! I think Edward Cullen is gay. What do you like in him?'
'Harry Potter? You find this Hogwarts thing cool? Lol, Grow up!'
'Stephan Salvatore looks retarded! I can't believe you like HIM!'
'Jensen Ackles? From SuperNatural? Don't tell me you like Him or that show! Uhh your choice!'
*  *  *
My interest in Literature;
'Its boring. Go for Language.'
'It doesn't have any scope. Go for Mass.Com.'
'Lol, so you'll be quoting Shakespeare and Shelley every now and then.'
*  *  *
Thats not it. I cannot miss the Old Aunties of the family who are so desperate to be greeted.
'Your daughter didn't greet me' -They would tell my mother. And guess what; You walk upto them, greet them once-twice-THRICE and they wouldn't seem to even hear you.
To all these comments up there, you're not allowed to give a straight face-smacking answer; Or else you know, what would they say.

My case however is actually nothing compared as to those other girls around. Who belong with such narrow-minded typical eastern families; where they aren't allowed to wear jeans, to hangout with friends, to listen to songs, to use the internet or have a personal cellphone- Entirely because their parents are so afraid of this stupid tag line what would the people say.

My parents are well-educated and well brought; not conservative like some other parents. But since we are the part of this society where people really do comment- criticise to be more precise; they are obliged to follow this mindset our society has bred. And now it is being transmitted to us and the coming generation who seem to care too much about the people out there.
We happen to select the career, the dressing style, even likes and interests according to what they would like -and they hardly seem to like anything.
*  *  *
I added to the top on my list of New Year Resolution, IGNORE THE THOUGHT what people would say AND DO AS YOU LIKE.
Not that this is the first time I'm deciding, but from the time I began to take critical notice I realized how insane it is to miss opportunities, to kill dreams just for the sake of people who are nobodies! who don't exist! Thus, to some extent I have given up caring about what people would say. Yet, to tell the truth; somewhere sometimes, I do. Yes I do. *_*
But in the end, You know Its your life and only you have the right to decide what you should do and what you should not.
So here I release every ounce of anger I had against this tag line and the sick mindset of our society where we are slaves to these people, I hereby request them to GO TO HELL AND LET ME LIVE!!!