Hibernation Ends

Creating random errors was common now. Forgetting things, literally not seeing the things in front, lack of attention, absent mind, lethargy, fever, and mind occupied of something unknown; couldn’t be more of a mess! Needed a serious break. A long period of hibernation.

A month over; semester break at its end. I. did. Nothing. Nothing at all. All those plans to write, paint, draw, click, learn to cook and so much more didn’t happen. I did nothing except for sleeping and watching tv. But to tell the truth, I don’t regret it, because somewhere, I really needed that. Sleep and distraction; so much of sleep and so much of distraction to fix myself...

Have you ever tried fixing yourself? Try some time. It isn’t easy. Because even when you’re in hibernation, they crawl down to you and unintentionally gives a jerk to the tower of efforts you’ve lain down, making it collapse. You are thus back from where you started with nothing but a wreckage of efforts.

I watched tv all the time. Comedy shows, favorite childhood movies, favorite Disney cartoons; drowned myself in total fantasies and past memories. Avoided every possible medium which would make me see, and so I stopped using social websites from computer. A total cut off with everyone. No meeting ups. No texts. No calls. Sometimes you need it, right?

Made me angry at times, what a terrible shake! Wasn’t this. But everything seems worth enduring for what I've received now. Surprising you might find, all of these things helped. I got better. No more frequent fevers. No more lack of hunger. No more absent-minded attitude. So you see, what bad they say about closing your eyes isn’t much true. I closed my eyes, and I got better. Forgot to shut my ears, for which received a jerk to the walls I made around; I managed to overcome the quake anyhow, and got better.

Image Source: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/ibnasad/popular-interesting/

Day after tomorrow marks the beginning of another new race. Leaving behind everything, I'm now looking forward to a normal and a better start. Good luck. =)

Silence

-Have you ever noticed, that the curves of rainbow are similar to the curves on forehead when we frown?
-Wow! I never did! I rather notice and marvels at the striking colors!
-Hmm.. Thats smart of you, to not notice the imperfection.
-Or say, thats rather too dumb of me..

*Silence*

The Unseen Didn't Miss It

It was an overcast day at university; I was walking down the block towards the parking. Too occupied, wandering into the shell of my own with an internal debate going on about the various sorts of battles I am into. Maybe I’m not happy. Dizziness would seldom leave me these days, and it was just back! Despair started to settle down.

This didn’t happen! No no no! This didn’t happen! Even when you’ve learned to have it right, to move on, to look over –why would you feel this way now? Are you not at the extreme of inconsistency?! Think again. Think again. This can’t be. Enough weird happenings! It’s not in my hands! It’s absolutely not! Oh, so you won.

I was finally numb, my legs refused to take me any further, I thought I'd collapse. There was nobody around and I was thankful. I didn't want any stranger to come and ask me what's wrong, didn't want to start crying and look like a total fool in front somebody and then spend rest of my university years hiding from that person. The road was littered with dead leaves and feathers and dispersed pollens. If this was an ordinary situation and I were in my normal senses, I would've started designing patterns with those. But it wasn't an ordinary situation and my senses were stiff. To avoid falling down, I finally sat at the footpath facing the road, with my right hand against my chest (cause when anything would go wrong, an unidentified feeling would boil up into my chest, my heart would start to sink and instinctively my hand would reach up there to calm it). My hand was shaking, and it was then when I realized I haven't eaten anything since almost two days now. Sigh. I felt unusually weak. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally weak. Pathetically weak. I was dragged into another twister of thoughts. What have I become? A total emotional disaster! I sat there with my head resting at my knees; my right hand never moving from my chest. My breathing was still shallow. How long will all this go on? How am I ever going to be the way I was? Wish there was an escape... Life is weird. Life is unfair. I hate this.

I was running lethargically in vague circles in my mind, complaining and sulking. My traitor tears didn't miss a chance to betray me like everybody, they came out rolling. My knees were soon wet with my tears.
I felt a sudden change in the wind. It was soft and cool now. I looked up and saw that the clouds were ready to pour down. The breeze became a bit fierce, making the pollens on the road twirl. And soon enough, there was a number of pollen twisters twirling and whirling on the road. My thoughts were gone, I was now staring absently at the twirling pollens and dead leaves. Round and round they went, weightless and free. I started twirling and whirling with them in my imagination. It started to drizzle. Soft and buoyant drops, each making me feel a little more alive. Each slowly dodging away the dizziness. I wish it may start raining hard. I wish it may start raining heavy. The more hard would be the blow of rain, the more alive will I feel, and feeling alive was everything I wished for that instance. I was going round and round in my imagination, moving slowly slowly in the spray of water coming from heaven, the world fading behind, my eyes closed...
Every drop falling on me would generate a whole new image in my mind, I was retaining consciousness. The numbness was leaving, the dizziness was fading and my senses were active now. I was breathing normally now. I opened my eyes, and slowly moved my hand from my chest; yes, its okay now. My watch showed me its 2:30, time I get going for my van. I stood up trusting my legs, and continued walking towards the parking area.

Nature came to gather me up again. I was smiling now, thinking that the Unseen didn't miss it. The curtain of breeze passed over me, whispering gently, 'You could go on like this for few more days..'

Time, When Things Happened

You've been deceived, you've been disappointed. You've been abandoned, you've been ditched. They called you weird, termed you a total left out. Criticized you, blamed you for starting the silence, refused to understand your condition. Didn't listen to you, been biased. Left you under the rubble of a mess they dragged you in, and walked off blameless. You've had months of sheer worry, constant drained feeling, mind totally occupied, unidentified feelings boiling in your chest, questions taking birth and most of all, the anxiety for what-will-happen. --But you know you've always had this tendency to actually enjoy every moment filled with every sort of emotion whether it be joy, anger, despair, anxiety or whatsoever. You've always believed in your self-created beliefs, you've always thought things and possibilities which sound odd to who ever you'll tell; and for these exact reasons, you somehow don't really mind it all. You've forgiven the people, you've started to overlook what they say, you sit and listen but don't speak much. You've made your choice and picked the uncertainty yourself, for yourself. You've gotten immune to whatever is happening; not that you don't still think a lot, not that you still at times fail to believe what you wasn't supposed to know, not that you've gotten over the feeling of uncertainty, but somewhere, you like it. You like this feeling. You know, that whatever happened and is happening, will be worth remembering after a year or two or three. Therefore, you're living it and letting everything happen. Making the wrong choice, playing odd with your tracks, wasting time over thinking too much, enjoying the uncertainty, showing off your feelings--cause you know this is one of the many lanes you're crossing. Sooner or later, this will pass, this will end; and eventually there would come a time when you'd be standing to start a whole new walk on a whole new lane. Would you not then, want to look at the previous journey and sigh with a smile.?